2:00

that it has never felt before. You won't

2:02

have to wonder if there's a new episode.

2:04

It just will appear for you. We are

2:06

recording this episode a day late because we

2:08

had a little bit of a mom fail

2:11

on my part. Do tell. We were supposed

2:13

to record two days ago. Well,

2:15

we've had a series of unfortunate events. I think

2:17

if you saw me on Facebook, we're having our

2:19

roof replaced, which is, let me just

2:22

tell you, the worst thing you can possibly do

2:24

because it is wildly expensive, involves money you don't

2:26

have. And there's

2:28

nothing better. It looks exactly the same when

2:30

it's done. Very low enjoyment. It's absolutely killing

2:32

my soul, but it's so loud. And they

2:35

are still working today. So if you hear

2:37

some banging in the background,

2:40

that is why. And I

2:42

had a brilliant idea that we had to get

2:44

out of the house. I'm babysitting. I'm babysitting. I'm

2:46

taking care of my sister's two kids. So we

2:48

went to a high ropes adventure course, if you

2:50

know what that is. They string logs

2:52

through trees. And you have to harness in

2:54

and make your way across. It's like an

2:57

obstacle course, but it's in the trees. And

2:59

by the way, I want to say the reason you did

3:01

this, we're like, there's so much banging I have to get

3:03

out of this. So that's because of the roof that you

3:06

went. I was like, I'd rather be on a high ropes

3:08

adventure course with five children than in my home, which is

3:10

often how I feel, but even more so with the banging.

3:13

And then one of

3:15

our participants was having

3:17

a lot of trouble and had got a little panicked,

3:19

and we could not get him out of the tree.

3:21

And so I had to text Amy and be like,

3:23

I'm going to be late to our recording session because

3:25

there is literally a child stuck in a tree. My

3:27

nephew is stuck in a tree. And

3:29

so that delayed us to the point where

3:31

I was. And also let me tell you,

3:33

as an oldilocks high rope adventure course is

3:35

pretty much the most exhausting thing I've done

3:38

in 10 months. Like really? I was so

3:40

we eventually could not set child out of

3:42

the tree to the point where we had

3:44

to just postpone our recording. And then when

3:46

I got home, I was so glad we

3:48

weren't recording because I felt like I'd done

3:50

like 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. Even Mike

3:53

Tyson is an oldilocks alert. Back

3:55

in my day. I don't know. I couldn't name a

3:57

modern boxer. I think he's like a Scottish dude. but

3:59

I don't know who that is. It's

4:01

like a balancing, and then you kind of

4:04

knock yourself into trees by accident and stuff.

4:06

Anyway, I'm exhausted, but my nephew did eventually

4:08

come out of the tree. Thank goodness. So

4:12

now we're ready to talk about advice we

4:14

hate. Advice we love is consider the high

4:16

ropes course very carefully before going or something.

4:18

Well, don't do a high ropes course on

4:21

a tight schedule is my first piece of

4:23

advice. And that is advice you should not

4:25

hate. That is some solid advice right here.

4:27

We went to our Facebook page and our

4:30

Facebook group, and we asked everybody to tell

4:32

us what's a piece of advice parenting or

4:34

non-parenting related that you just really hate, that

4:36

is just the opposite of useful in your

4:38

opinion. And the floodgates opened. Oh

4:41

my gosh. I mean, often we put

4:43

stuff out more like, hey, quick question.

4:45

And you know, the advice trickles in.

4:47

This is clearly a lava topic that

4:49

like we struck oil. I'm mixing my

4:51

metaphors, but like it came gushing out of

4:53

people. People were like, oh, advice we hate. I've got a

4:55

million of them. I'm gonna come in

4:57

hot, Amy. All right, go ahead. It's not usually

5:00

when I say I'm gonna come in hot, I'm

5:02

saying something kind of controversial. This is not controversial,

5:04

but I feel like it's something that people don't

5:06

understand. And it is this simple

5:08

fact that no one wants advice from anyone

5:10

else, fundamentally. I

5:12

mean, people say unsolicited advice, but like,

5:14

is there a lot of, that's

5:17

not true. Right before we started recording, I'm

5:19

having a little problem with one of my

5:21

middle schoolers and like some texting trauma. And

5:23

so right before we recorded, I said to

5:25

Amy, do you have any

5:27

advice about how you handled group texts

5:30

and your kids? It's the first time

5:32

I'm confronting it. Amy gave me some

5:34

advice. Like that is clearly solicited advice

5:36

on a single topic. Yes. So

5:39

I guess there is some solicited advice,

5:41

but most advice is unsolicited and basically

5:43

people don't want your stupid opinion. Keep

5:45

it to yourself. And I would say

5:47

that mothers, particularly new mothers and pregnant

5:49

women get the most unsolicited advice out

5:51

of anybody ever in the world, right?

5:53

Like they, just people think that because

5:55

you're walking down the street pregnant or

5:57

pushing a new baby in a stroll.

10:00

a staircase, like, yes, but

10:03

I don't know. And I mean, mine aren't teenagers

10:05

yet, so maybe I'm going to rue the day

10:07

I ever said this, but you will never convince

10:09

me that 11, 10, and eight, what

10:12

I have right now, isn't exponentially

10:14

easier than three, two, and infant.

10:16

I mean, I don't know. For

10:19

me, that's a non-starter. Let's jump in

10:21

with a funny piece of bad advice.

10:23

Tara Lynn lives in San Diego, and

10:26

she says, this is rampant here. Did

10:28

you try essential oil for fill in

10:30

the blank? An oil

10:32

for anything. The worst is

10:34

the people who inbox you on Facebook, and they're

10:36

like, I saw you were having a problem. Have

10:38

you tried my wonderful essential oil? And you're like,

10:41

who are you? And leave me alone. She says

10:43

this, whatever it is, it's supposed to be way

10:45

better than actual medicine or whatever it's trying to

10:47

replace. I am busting out the Tylenol as poisonous

10:49

as you might think it is, it makes me

10:51

and my baby feel better for real. Yeah,

10:54

I mean, God bless you. I know people who

10:56

like essential oils, and I like a little, what's

10:58

it called? Eucalyptus, I like a little eucalyptus in

11:01

my life once in a while, but yeah, have

11:03

you tried essential oils? It's maybe

11:05

not the most helpful advice. I'll go in on that.

11:08

Let's start with some greatest hits. Don't

11:10

spoil the baby. Spoiling the baby by picking them up

11:12

too much. That you could

11:14

just ignore. There's no such thing as

11:16

that. Well, I mean, a hundred years

11:18

ago, there were books telling parents

11:21

to do that, and it's seriously screwed up,

11:23

and so there was a little residue of

11:25

that still running through things. No, you can't

11:27

spoil your baby by holding them too much.

11:29

The word spoiled implies a sort of permanence,

11:32

right? Like once fruit is spoiled, you throw

11:34

it out. Right, it can never come back,

11:36

yeah. Your kid is ruined because you held

11:38

him too much when he was three weeks

11:40

old and fussy. No, that's not

11:42

going to happen. Well, the whole theme,

11:45

I feel like, one of our big themes on

11:47

the podcast is this idea of like, there

11:50

are doors, and one door is the spoiled

11:52

door, and the other door is the regular

11:54

door. And guess what? I have a kid

11:56

who loves cookie witches, like, you

11:59

know, chocolate chip cookies. be

16:00

something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't

16:02

know. I'm not a fortune teller. But

16:04

I can tell you not to spend

16:06

a fortune and shop low prices for

16:09

school on Amazon. Okay, good

16:11

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your happy price, Priceline! Amy,

16:46

this is the thing. The enjoy every moment

16:49

advice. It's like biologically impossible and frustrating. And

16:51

I've used this example before, so I'm going

16:53

to say it very quickly. But as a

16:55

very young man, my father, who is now

16:57

in his 80s, so this is something that

16:59

happened in the 40s, had

17:02

a large piece of

17:04

his lung removed. And because of

17:07

the medicine at the time, they had a lot

17:09

of trouble draining liquid from people's bodies. And so

17:11

with a lesser lung, you didn't want to get

17:13

any liquid in it. So they made him completely

17:16

stop drinking for like two and a half days,

17:18

like almost as long as you could go without

17:20

drinking and still survive. And

17:22

at some point he had to stop having visitors.

17:25

You would think because they would drink in front

17:27

of him and it would make him crazy. But

17:29

it was because he couldn't stand to look at

17:31

people not drinking. Like he was like,

17:33

how could you be wasting this precious time of your life

17:35

when you could be drinking and

17:37

you're just sitting there not drinking? But they couldn't

17:39

drink it from him because that was torture, too.

17:42

But I think of that story. That

17:44

is the ultimate version of like, enjoy

17:46

every minute, right? You can't drink liquid

17:48

24 hours a day because someday

17:50

you may not be able to drink liquid because

17:52

you're having an operation. Like that's

17:54

not the way it works. And that's not the

17:56

way enjoying your baby works. Right. Nikki says this

17:58

enjoy every second thing as far as she

18:00

says, I feel so guilty when she hears this,

18:02

not enjoying it. In general, I enjoy it very

18:05

much just to clarify, she says, but I feel

18:07

so guilty not enjoying it because I'm only going

18:09

to get to go through this once and I'm

18:11

missing it and it just doesn't work that way.

18:13

It doesn't work that way. Like could you someday

18:15

lose your arm? Yes. Should you spend

18:17

24 hours a day ignoring your life and

18:19

stroking your arm and praising its virtues? No,

18:21

not realistic. How about

18:24

I used to hate this. I'd

18:26

be out with my kids. My babies were all

18:28

just, I would say bad sleepers, but even that,

18:31

it's like the judgment of the world. I would

18:33

like my babies were poor sleepers. They did. They

18:35

liked to get up a lot at night and

18:37

I believe me tried all the

18:39

things, right? I tried each different technique

18:42

and I just had light, fussy sleepers

18:44

and everywhere you go, you

18:46

know, my daughter would be like five months old and they'd say, she's

18:48

sleeping through the night for you. And I'd say no. And

18:51

they'd say, she's not, you know, like then

18:53

I had him on top of not getting

18:55

enough sleep. I had to feel like I

18:57

had to feel bad about that on top

18:59

of it. Know what I mean? Oh

19:01

yeah. Like I have to say, I've been

19:03

a little guilty of this only because my

19:05

sister-in-law is a sleep guru and she really

19:07

helped me with a system that really helped

19:09

my baby sleep. And so

19:12

all my babies slept through the night, recognize that this

19:14

is not possible for everybody. But I

19:16

feel like when that was given to me, I

19:18

was like, Oh, I should share this with other

19:20

people because it helped me

19:23

so, so much. And there were

19:25

a couple of people who reached out to me and I

19:27

was like, here it is. Take it or leave it. We

19:29

call it the system. I'm like, here's the system. And

19:33

but I realized that I was a little too

19:35

into it for a while and I was like,

19:37

I have a system. It's incredible. The system. You

19:39

should try it. I have an email and

19:41

I had to course correct on that a

19:43

little. But you know, there are people listening who are like,

19:45

there's a system, right? They're crawling through the desert. Yeah,

19:49

it's tricky. That's a tricky one because I

19:52

do think that there are things that can

19:54

really work, but not for everybody. And then

19:56

they may not work for everybody and this

19:58

and that. And there's another. factor. I mean,

20:01

the really good advice that I got from

20:04

my sister-in-law's mom's a pediatrician, and

20:07

she said, you should do everything. Half

20:09

what works for you, half what works for the

20:11

baby. And so this system involves a lot of

20:14

like putting the baby kind of away from you

20:16

and letting it sleep through the night, kind of

20:18

come what may. I'm speaking in giant generalized terms.

20:20

Please do not do anything based on what I'm

20:22

saying. This is not a good description of the

20:24

system. But for some people, it was so anxiety

20:26

producing that like they couldn't do it. They didn't

20:28

want to do it. It cuts down a little

20:30

bit on breastfeeding. Some people don't want to do

20:32

that. Like it's also that nothing's right for

20:34

everybody. That's the rule, you know, and

20:37

nothing right for every baby. My first

20:39

baby was reflux and he was a

20:41

nightmare with, right. A baby that's got

20:43

reflux, a baby that's got all

20:45

sorts of different issues that might not work

20:47

for. I got a good one here from

20:49

Lauren. She says she hates the advice. This

20:51

too shall pass. No dip, Susan. I'm under

20:53

no impression that my baby will still be

20:55

waking up 15 times a night when he's

20:57

34. But knowing that a

21:00

hard stage won't last forever doesn't make me feel

21:02

any better about the hard thing I'm going through

21:04

now. Yep. This is a good one. They

21:06

won't be in diapers when they're 40. It's

21:08

like, right. That doesn't help me when I'm

21:10

changing man sized poop diapers in my three

21:12

and a half year old. Like that is

21:15

not the advice I need right now. You

21:17

know what my sister, Molly, calls out, but

21:19

she really hates that. I totally agree with

21:22

is the unasked for side recommendation. Like if

21:24

she goes on her town's, you know, Facebook

21:26

parents page, like, Hey, anybody know a great

21:28

resource for kids birthday cakes? And somebody has

21:30

to say, why don't you make it yourself?

21:32

Why don't you make your own birthday cake?

21:34

Right? Why don't you create a high ropes

21:37

course in your own backyard and so paying

21:39

for it? Like I didn't ask you that,

21:41

but that she lost her mind because she

21:43

has four little boys and it was when

21:45

she her fourth was a baby and like

21:47

number two was turning four or something like

21:50

that. Right. They're all like incredibly young, like

21:52

the preposterousness of me saying, where can I

21:54

get a birthday cake? And the response is

21:56

why don't you make it is like, it's

21:59

infuriating. I'm I'm going to tack on

22:01

to that Abigail's, oh, have you tried mindfulness

22:03

yoga to help your ADD autistic child focus

22:05

and calm? Oh. It's like

22:08

this is in the essential oils category, right?

22:10

Which is like you've got

22:12

a child who's got very

22:15

specific needs that perhaps

22:17

people who do not deal with that

22:19

do not understand. And they're like, try

22:21

yoga. You're like, what if I try

22:23

punching you really hard in the throat?

22:25

Would that be a good suggestion? Because

22:27

that's what I'm thinking of right now.

22:29

Or just try disciplining your child better,

22:32

right? And then they wouldn't be completely

22:34

inattentive or hyperactive. I was

22:36

thinking this the other day in relation

22:38

to something I don't know what about

22:40

having sympathy versus empathy and the ability

22:42

to see things from another

22:45

person's point of view. And

22:47

I just have such a revelation about having

22:50

had that idea, having had such a

22:52

clear idea about children before I had

22:54

children, that like, oh, well, all you

22:56

do is you don't let them watch a lot of

22:58

screens, and you have family dinners, and you discipline them

23:00

all. And it's like, oh,

23:03

there's such a wide range of

23:05

kids and such a

23:07

wide range of behaviors in those

23:09

kids. And that there

23:11

is always a temptation to

23:13

say this bad behavior would

23:15

never happen with one of my children

23:18

because I understand, duh, duh, duh, duh,

23:20

duh, duh. And that must

23:22

be resisted at all costs. How

23:24

about they'll eat when they're hungry? This was

23:26

a popular one. Yes. We've

23:29

talked about this one. Amy and I both have kids

23:31

who will not eat when they're hungry. Thank you very

23:33

little for your advice and go away. Let

23:36

me give you some reassurance from here. I

23:38

did have a kid who would not eat

23:40

when he was hungry. He just didn't eat

23:42

lunch at school at all. And then, you

23:44

know, like it was really hard and trying

23:46

new foods for him was difficult. This kid

23:49

is now a high schooler who, like

23:51

I can't keep enough food in the house to

23:53

feed this kid. And he will

23:56

eat just about anything because he's so

23:58

hungry all the time. For

24:00

me, it got better

24:02

when he got hungry, puberty

24:04

and got hungry. So if you're hearing this and

24:06

you have a kid who won't just eat if

24:09

you let him be hungry enough, if he's just

24:11

hungry all the time, for me it kind of

24:13

self resolved with time and work. I mean, you

24:15

have to push against it a little bit, but

24:17

the idea that the elite when they're hungry is

24:19

always said by somebody who has never experienced a

24:21

picky eater. I mean, go back and listen to

24:24

our picky eater episode cause there's a lot of

24:26

things like this, but I feel like every year

24:28

I have a theme that emerges and it usually

24:30

emerges around April or May for me. And

24:34

one year it was the double edged sword. Like that's

24:36

right. Everything is going to be a little bit good

24:38

and a little bit bad. Like that was my theme

24:40

one year. I can't remember a lot of them,

24:42

but I always think to myself like, oh, this is my kind of

24:44

years theme. I don't know if I make it up. I don't know

24:46

if it comes to me. I don't know what happens. But

24:48

my theme has emerged for the year. And

24:51

my theme this year is I don't show

24:53

my work. Like I constantly have

24:55

the problem of like people coming and being like,

24:57

you know what you should have done? And I'm

24:59

like, listen, I'm a person of a certain age.

25:02

I've been working professionally in a couple of fields for

25:04

a really long time and I know what I'm doing.

25:07

So if you hire me to do a job or

25:09

you ask me to serve on a committee, I

25:12

will present you with my findings and I will do

25:14

a good job, but I will not go back and

25:16

justify all of my choices to you that led me

25:19

to this moment. At the age

25:21

that I have achieved, I no longer show my

25:23

work. You either trust my work or you don't

25:25

trust my work, but like don't ask me to

25:27

go back and reconstruct for you why. You know,

25:29

it's the thing where people come in. They're like,

25:31

well, why didn't we do that in blue? And

25:34

I'm like, okay, I'm not gonna go back four steps and be

25:36

like, we tried these six things and da da da da. I

25:39

had a job that I was hired for that

25:41

I had this problem with and it was extremely

25:43

frustrating. And I feel like parenting

25:45

advice fits into that too. Like, well,

25:47

why don't you just feed them different

25:49

foods? And it's like, I'm not

25:51

gonna show my work. Yes. I'm not

25:53

gonna show you that for six years so

25:55

we have been working with this kid who's

25:57

got some sensory issues on trying. Being

26:00

able to tolerate being in the same room

26:02

with rice. For two years we

26:04

did that. And so now he will

26:06

occasionally take a bite of rice. But

26:08

don't come at me six years in

26:10

with, why don't you just try feeding

26:12

him different foods? I don't show

26:14

my work, get out of my face. I love that. You don't

26:17

have to say the get out of my face part because sometimes

26:19

that gets people mad. I

26:22

love this one. I'm going to change the name

26:25

to protect the innocent here. I'm going to say

26:27

that Julie said this. I only hate it because

26:29

my mom says it all the time. But it's

26:31

always something. This is the, it's not even really

26:33

bad advice. It's just a sort of aphorism. Every

26:35

time I try to vent about something in my

26:38

life, my mother breaks everything down to it's always

26:40

something. I find it infuriating. Is this just me?

26:43

My mom doesn't say this, but it would infuriate me.

26:45

Does it mean like it's always something with you or

26:47

does it mean, oh, this is how it's always going

26:49

to be. It's always going to be something. I think

26:51

that's what it is. I think she's trying to

26:54

say this is an issue I'm having with one

26:56

of the kids and her mom's response is, wow,

26:58

it's always something. Yeah, that's quite annoying. I

27:00

definitely think much like in the two kinds of

27:02

people that there was a lot of throwing husbands

27:05

under the bus, like people who put the trash

27:07

away and people who leave it on the counter,

27:09

parens, my husband close parens. There's

27:12

definitely some calling out of the mothers

27:14

and mother in-laws and this advice. Yes.

27:17

All right. And let me just say we

27:19

did this on the in-laws episode and we haven't done like

27:21

a mothers and daughters episode, but I

27:23

would say again, in that nobody

27:25

wants your advice, people

27:28

really don't want advice from their moms and mother

27:30

in-laws. I'm sorry, they don't. It's

27:32

too loaded. It's loaded and especially when

27:34

it comes to, at least in my

27:37

experience, I breastfed my kids and that

27:39

was something that to my mother and

27:41

mother-in-law was just not familiar,

27:44

not bad, just unfamiliar. And so

27:46

I remember when

27:48

my first was very little, this was actually

27:50

one of my husband's aunts, not even my

27:52

mother-in-law, but she was watching him nurse and

27:55

she said, so how many ounces

27:58

is he getting right now? And I said, that,

28:00

well, I don't know. And she's like, you don't know?

28:02

So how do you know if he's getting enough? I'm

28:04

like, you kind of watch how many diapers you get

28:06

in a day. Like she was so shocked

28:09

and me trying to sort of walk her

28:11

through like, it's okay. You don't put the

28:13

powder in the bottle and shake and measure

28:15

it. She just couldn't believe and

28:17

held her tongue, but I could just see, she couldn't

28:19

believe that I was actually going to try to raise

28:21

a baby this way. It sounded like I was like

28:23

leaving him on the hillside in terms of knowing

28:26

that he was going to be okay. You see what

28:28

I'm saying? And it just was such a chasm. Oh

28:30

yeah. I mean, this is what we talked about in

28:32

the whole in-laws episode, right? Which is like, they

28:34

raised their kids and now they're watching a

28:37

human being that they did not choose raise.

28:40

Yes, yes. What are essentially their next set of

28:42

kids. You know, their grandkids who are so dear

28:44

to them. And it is hard to be like,

28:47

that's not how I would do that, you know? And

28:49

I mean, we all have that. Like all

28:52

our family is very extended and sometimes,

28:54

you know, members of my family will

28:56

like correct or not really yell

28:58

at, but maybe yell at my kids and stuff.

29:00

And of course it gives you that feeling of

29:02

like, that's my human

29:05

that you're talking to or disciplining or telling

29:07

what to do. And that's not how I

29:09

would do it. And I have

29:11

to fight my instinct to stop other people from

29:13

doing that with my own kids because I feel

29:16

like they're often correct and it's fine. But the

29:19

mother, mother in law role, you're just constantly

29:21

stuck in that mode of like, why would

29:23

you do it that way? It's insane. Right,

29:25

they think the way you're doing it is

29:27

insane. And you're like, that way was also

29:29

insane. Like spanking kids or making them stand

29:31

in the corner. Like all that stuff that

29:33

we kind of don't really do anymore. They're

29:35

sort of like, this is bonkers. Right, just

29:38

spoiling the baby. You're holding him too much.

29:40

You're kissing him too much. Right, like all

29:42

of that stuff that they were told. You're

29:45

walking around with him strapped to you in

29:47

a carrier. You know, like I know my

29:49

mom came around on that. She actually, I

29:52

have pictures of her carrying my third, you

29:54

know, like a wrap because my daughter just loved it

29:56

so much. She just wanted to be like carried all

29:59

the time. quarantine

38:00

truths that then you can then

38:02

blithely say to somebody else without

38:04

knowing their situation. Yeah. And

38:07

the thing is, you don't know

38:09

other people's situation and leave them alone.

38:11

I feel like while we're on the

38:13

deeper topic, I liked

38:16

these ones on people talking about loss

38:18

and bad advice that they got. At

38:20

least you have those wonderful memories.

38:23

God needed another angel. Everything

38:25

happens for a reason. Loss

38:28

is a really hard thing and I feel like

38:31

I am always of the

38:33

mind that you should reach

38:35

out to people who have had a loss. And

38:38

often people feel like, I don't know them that

38:40

well. I don't want to say the wrong thing.

38:43

And so I don't love to pick on

38:45

people who give bad advice at awkward times

38:47

because sometimes people just need something to say.

38:49

Right. But there is some bad things to

38:52

say. But maybe, I don't

38:54

know if it was you that said this

38:56

or somebody else that said like, what's important

38:58

is that you reach out. Like later on,

39:00

the person will remember who reached out more

39:02

than what the card said. But I do

39:04

have sort of stock phrases that I think

39:06

I sort of stick to in these moments

39:08

that feel safe and good and are maybe

39:10

a little stodgy, but they're not. At least

39:13

you have all the wonderful memories. Well,

39:15

I had an experience. We lost

39:17

a family member in a really

39:19

tragic way and a way that

39:21

made people feel awkward about.

39:24

It was the kind of death that people did

39:26

not know what to say in response to in

39:28

a very specific way. And I

39:30

remember the person who

39:32

was the lead, you know, mourner in the

39:34

situation. I'm trying not to give too many

39:36

details. And she just earned

39:39

my eternal respect because people came in and

39:41

said insane things, really

39:43

wrong things, really bad things.

39:46

But she said to me

39:48

later, she's like, I just made a

39:50

commitment to myself first thing this morning

39:53

that everything that came out of people's mouth,

39:55

I would just hear, we love you and

39:58

we miss him. Wow. Mind

44:00

your business. Yeah, I just think it's something

44:02

I used to always when I was say

44:04

like in an elevator With

44:06

a pregnant woman right or seated next to her

44:09

at a dinner party I don't know like I

44:11

thought you had to talk about it It was

44:14

just sort of incumbent upon a polite person in

44:16

society to say do you know what

44:18

you're having? What are you doing boy or a girl?

44:20

You know all that kind of stuff, and I just

44:22

think that there's something about Pregnant

44:24

women and new mothers that society

44:27

still thinks that they need

44:29

let alone want unsolicited

44:31

advice That they need to

44:33

be fixed and addressed instead of just

44:36

said like hi. How are you today, right?

44:38

It's really charged, and I just spent time

44:40

with my sister-in-law my sister-in-law. Just had a

44:42

brand new baby I got to meet the

44:44

baby with masks on it

44:46

was very very exciting and I

44:49

Restrain myself. I just said how you doing and she

44:51

said I'm doing okay, and I said good I'm so

44:53

glad right and I didn't talk about

44:55

cabbage leaves for breastfeeding. I didn't even

44:57

ask if she needed advice I just

44:59

said how are you and she seems

45:01

pretty good to me, and I think

45:03

that's really what we want, right?

45:06

We don't want somebody to tell us how

45:08

we could be doing it better because that's

45:10

litany is going in our heads all the

45:12

time Anyway, I agree, and I'm going to

45:14

finish Amy with the mother of all bad

45:16

advice Okay, it's advice that comes up again

45:18

and again in many situations and a lot

45:20

of people wrote about it It's

45:22

kind of the flip side of enjoy, but

45:24

it's the advice of don't worry Stop

45:27

worrying about getting pregnant, and you'll get

45:30

pregnant Oh medically untrue as it turns

45:32

out yes Yes, I hated

45:34

that because I'm like if not worrying was all it

45:36

took I would have been pregnant nine months ago Thank

45:38

you. Thank you for telling me not to worry. I

45:40

wasn't worried a year ago, and it

45:43

didn't work right Yeah, don't worry. That's a

45:45

bad one. Oh don't worry about you know

45:47

your bad birth experience So you have the

45:49

treasure your baby. It's like no that's not

45:51

actually how it works like if I had

45:53

a traumatic birth experience I may be mmm

45:56

still dealing with that it doesn't mean like I

45:58

hate my kid or I don't

46:00

realize that I'm glad I have a healthy child.

46:03

Just be glad the baby's healthy. Well, I

46:05

can be glad about that and pretty traumatized

46:07

by what happened back in the hospital three

46:09

months ago. Thank you. I can do both

46:11

of those things at the same time. Kids

46:14

are resilient, they'll be fine. You

46:17

don't know that too. You know, I mean, on the

46:20

one hand worrying is a fairly

46:22

useless enterprise. It doesn't really get

46:24

you anywhere, but telling

46:26

people not to worry is very

46:28

annoying. And I think you should stop doing

46:30

it if you are doing it. And I'm

46:33

speaking to myself. Yeah, and then mom

46:35

worry is a powerful instinct, right? You and I and

46:37

every mom I know have had moments where we're told

46:39

not to worry about something. And then that little spidey

46:41

sense in your head is like, but this doesn't seem

46:43

quite right to me. And you're right. And if you

46:45

listen to the first person who told you not to

46:47

worry and put it on you for overthinking

46:50

something, then you would have missed it. Yes,

46:52

although I put on my list of bad

46:54

advice, Amy, trust your instincts. That was the

46:56

worst advice I ever got. Because

46:58

I'm crazy. And I have

47:00

really weird anxiety problems. And trust your

47:02

instincts is a terrible piece of advice.

47:05

Because I can remember the day I was literally

47:07

watching an Oprah Winfrey episode in the 80s. I

47:09

was maybe in middle school. And she stared into

47:12

the camera. Some lady had had some guy break

47:14

into her house in the dark. And it was

47:16

a terrible story. And she said

47:18

something like, I felt something was wrong when

47:20

I was going to bed. And Oprah looked

47:22

right into the camera. And she was like,

47:24

always trust your instincts. And it

47:26

seared into my brain in this weird way. And it

47:29

gave me OCD. Because now I lie in bed. And

47:31

I'm like, I think I'm having an instinct that someone's

47:33

about to break in. And it's like, no, you're not.

47:35

You're just crazy. So trust your

47:37

instincts is also bad advice. Amy, I think

47:39

we need to abolish advice. There's no good

47:41

advice. That's what I'm realizing. It's all bad

47:44

advice. Trust your instincts is terrible advice. Because

47:47

that's also like, trust your instincts is like, I

47:49

know something's wrong. Because I once read a story

47:51

that a woman thought it was only gas. But

47:53

it turned out that the baby had three heads

47:56

accidentally. Like, your instincts are not always right either.

47:58

So I would just say the advice. is

48:00

get through the day as best as you

48:02

know how. And stop giving other people advice

48:04

unless they ask for it in a handwritten

48:06

note. Yes. Much like

48:08

you are not allowed to ask people if

48:11

they are pregnant unless you see a baby's

48:13

head emerging from between their legs. You

48:15

don't give any unsolicited advice. And Oprah,

48:17

don't stare into the camera anymore and

48:19

tell people to trust their instincts because

48:21

you ruined my entire existence. The only

48:23

good advice in the whole world is

48:25

the advice that mothers are giving one

48:27

another on our Facebook page and group

48:30

at Wefreshellcast. I will say

48:32

come to facebook.com/Wefreshellcast and join

48:34

the group because that is

48:36

solicited advice. Right. Really

48:38

specific. People are asking and I love that

48:41

on our group especially moms are always

48:43

like first of all you're awesome. Second

48:46

of all you might try a little gripe water

48:48

in the bottle like it always is so supportive

48:50

and lovely. Yeah. And

48:52

they give a range of experiences and it's very

48:54

take it or leave it and it's not like

48:56

here's the thing if you just stop worrying this

48:58

will happen because our people don't give horrible advice

49:00

like that. Our Facebook group is made up of angels.

49:02

Yes. I'm very proud of it. We're

49:04

also on Instagram and Pinterest at Wefreshellcast

49:07

and we're on Twitter at WFH podcast

49:09

and you can always find us at

49:11

wefreshellpodcast.com. And guys I'm not going

49:13

to leave until I say subscribe to us on YouTube.

49:16

Search Wefreshellcast and check out all of

49:18

our hilarious videos. Our advice is do

49:20

nothing else but follow us on social

49:22

media guys. You pretty much could. Yeah.

49:25

We're on Twitter with our advice and we're sticking to it whether or not it

49:27

was solicited. And with that guys that wraps

49:29

up our episode and we will talk to you next week. Thanks

49:31

for listening. Bye guys.