4:00

Legend, we started together, she's a monster. You

4:02

know her from all of her hit specials.

4:05

Literally one of the best comedians in the world.

4:07

Make some noise for the great and powerful Whitney

4:09

Cummings. Yeah.

4:13

Whitney, hello.

4:16

She's back. We

4:21

are going to have fun tonight,

4:23

ladies and gentlemen. Whitney is back.

4:28

I'm back. She's back. We're trying to get houses in

4:30

Austin. I was just going to say, we're trying to

4:32

get her here. It would be a huge move. We

4:36

go one at a time,

4:38

one at a time. Ron

4:40

got Joe, Joe got me.

4:42

We went all in on

4:44

fucking Duncan, Sagura,

4:46

Christina P, Shane

4:49

Gillis, Matt McCusker. It's

4:51

a dream team. Goes on and on. There's a

4:54

lot of people that I could go, I could

4:56

spend four minutes naming the people that we got

4:58

to move here. Can't

5:00

do LA anymore. Can't do

5:02

it. It's ridiculous. It's not only, it's

5:04

literally like, there's blood

5:07

in the street. Blood stains on

5:09

the concrete. And you don't know if

5:11

it's like a homeless person that's attacked a civilian or

5:13

if a man had his period. It's

5:15

very confusing. There's migrants everywhere. Believe

5:17

it or not, people, I welcome

5:20

migrants to this country with open

5:22

arms. And by open arms, I

5:24

mean like this. I

5:28

welcome migrants. I need someone to raise my kid. Yes,

5:31

absolutely. You do have a newborn. We're

5:34

sending some Kill Tony baby clothes. I just ruined a

5:36

surprise. But I want the people at home to know

5:39

that I'm a good person. Oh, thank you. I

5:41

love that you think I kept him. We

5:45

have abortion size kids

5:48

clothes to wrap the

5:50

fetus in. Right here. Comes

5:52

in a little Kill Tony ashtray. And you

5:54

put the fetus in the ashtray. And you

5:56

put your Siggy's out. There's actually

5:58

an abortion. clinic here called

6:01

Kill Tony's Babies. It's true.

6:03

It is fully operational. They have a lot

6:05

of blood on their hands. Whitney,

6:07

you've done the show numerous times from

6:10

the belly room to the main room

6:12

to Vulcan to the mothership all around

6:14

the home fields. You know how it

6:17

works. 256 people

6:19

signed up tonight for the opportunity, the hope, to

6:21

get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull

6:23

their name out they get 60 seconds.

6:25

You know their time is up and you're the sound of a

6:28

kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else

6:30

they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. They're

6:33

all loaded up across the street

6:35

at a big crazy dirty bar

6:37

called Poor Choices and I

6:39

pull a name out. We go and we wrangle the

6:41

person. Oh that looks like a fun name. It's

6:44

Mr. It starts with Mr. That's always a

6:46

very good sign of

6:48

insanity. So that'll

6:52

be fun and while they go wrangle that

6:54

person we're gonna get started with one of

6:56

our elite regulars on this show. You are

6:58

here on a special night because this man

7:00

is taking the world by storm. Not

7:03

only did he just complete

7:05

doing sold-out theaters with me

7:08

in Florida, he also just opened

7:10

up the shows this weekend. The

7:12

theater shows in San Antonio for

7:14

Joe Rogan's new Netflix special, Burn

7:18

the Boats streaming on Netflix

7:20

right now. This guy

7:23

is undisputed, undeniable. We

7:25

absolutely love him. Make

7:27

some noise for the

7:29

Estonian assassin, Ari

7:31

Batty! Yo

7:43

yo, I

7:46

was on Reddit the other day

7:48

like a loser and

7:52

I read that the American

7:54

military doesn't accept trans people

7:56

into their ranks. Just

7:59

like you. I was

8:02

upset. Let

8:04

them die. If

8:09

they want to, let

8:11

that bitch, let him, let

8:13

they die. But

8:21

then I thought about it, and it kind of

8:23

makes sense why as a military force you don't

8:25

want trans people on your ranks, because

8:28

let's be honest, they

8:30

have a history of switching

8:32

sides. I

8:38

don't want to see you walking around Kabul Market trying

8:41

on turbans like, oh

8:44

my God, this

8:46

is so me. I

8:49

don't want no progressives on my battlefield.

8:53

I want a closeted,

8:55

God-loving retard out there

8:57

following orders. All

9:04

right, Matty, it's done it again, ladies and

9:06

gentlemen. A brand new minute,

9:09

20 seconds, doing more

9:11

work than he even has to flexing

9:13

on us, his take on

9:15

trans in the military. I

9:18

just bombed with that joke so

9:20

hard in the other room. Just

9:22

silence, dude. I love that. It

9:24

takes balls to fucking that's, you

9:26

know, a lot of people don't

9:28

know that about doing comedy, is a lot of it, you

9:30

know, sometimes you're coming right off of another

9:32

set, maybe the crowd's bad,

9:34

maybe you didn't do it the right way. Let's just talk

9:37

about it. What do you think happened in the other room? I

9:39

didn't, I fucking forgot to watch the

9:42

previous comedian, so I didn't know that.

9:44

I thought, oh, I'm having fun in

9:46

the green room, we're all riffing, Tony

9:48

Hinchcliffe, we're all having a great time,

9:50

but you know, the other room doesn't

9:52

fucking funeral happening, you know? Right. One

9:56

comedian after the other. I went with this energy,

9:58

yo, yo, yo. Right. Kill

10:00

trans people, you know. Kill

10:03

them, kill them, kill them, you know. Of

10:06

course I'm gonna eat shit, dude. Watch

10:08

the comedian before you, you fuck. Yeah,

10:10

if you bomb with kill trans people

10:13

in Texas, it is your fault. Ha

10:15

ha ha ha ha. Yeah,

10:18

very true. So true. It's

10:20

such an interesting thing that you bring

10:23

up, though, because we never get to

10:25

talk about, you know, working it out,

10:27

different rooms, different audiences, obviously. This is

10:29

a fresh crowd, not jaded

10:31

yet. That crowd has been

10:33

watching an open mic for

10:35

an hour and 40 minutes. And a

10:38

lot of the regulars here try to

10:40

squeeze onto that show to get a

10:42

set in before performing here. And it's

10:45

all just a short walk. It's a

10:47

tunnel away. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah,

10:49

so that's a little fun fact that we never

10:52

get to talk about. But I love that process

10:54

of like writing jokes. You know, it's hard to

10:56

just, after like 12 years of doing comedy, to

10:58

do minutes, you know? Yeah. Like,

11:00

especially my style, it's like, I just am

11:02

super slow and shit. Right. I

11:04

just have to write new stuff, you know? But

11:07

you do it very, very well. Oh, thanks.

11:09

And everything breaks down to a minute,

11:12

you know? So

11:14

what else is going on in the world, Ari?

11:16

We had fun in San Antonio this weekend. It

11:18

was pretty crazy, huh? Yeah. Yeah, you

11:20

gave me an amazing intro and shit. Yeah, it was cool.

11:23

Like seven people out of 2000 knew me, so. Yeah,

11:26

it's true. What a

11:28

weird opener. What a bold choice by

11:30

Joe Rogan, by the way, to have

11:32

this guy open. Just a fucked up

11:34

accent. Yeah. Hello! Yeah.

11:38

It's fun. Hello, Netflix! You know? It

11:42

was you, then Ron White, then

11:44

me, then Joe. Rock solid lineup. You

11:46

always get the crowd popping. Great what

11:48

they get. Yeah, it was crazy, you

11:51

know? Yeah. And now we have New York this

11:53

weekend. That is true. New York's gonna be fun.

11:55

You excited about it? What do you have planned

11:57

to do, anything fun to do in New York

12:00

this week? Well I'm flying in with

12:02

a jet. Ooh. You

12:05

play your cards right you'll be on Epstein Island

12:07

and he's dead now. All

12:10

fucked against. Let's go. Let's

12:13

go. And keep my mouth shut.

12:16

That's right you're getting to a part

12:18

of success where you're only going to

12:21

be able to get erect if someone's

12:23

pissing on you. Yes. Shit gets weird

12:25

when you make it. Oh okay you

12:27

guys are gonna give. Okay I'll shut

12:29

up then. I won't give you insider

12:31

secrets. Well I'm

12:34

a toilet. That's right. Absolutely.

12:37

Every liquid you make Whitney

12:39

I want in my mouth.

12:41

Absolutely. And there's only one flush.

12:44

There's only one flush on that toilet and

12:46

it is right down the gullet. That's

12:49

right and it comes out of a second

12:51

hole. That's the interesting thing is

12:54

that if you take in someone

12:56

else's urine you pee that

12:58

out. Isn't that interesting? There's thank

13:00

you Red Band. They wouldn't have gotten

13:02

the joke if you wouldn't have done that. So

13:07

Ari what else is going on? Everything's good? Yeah

13:09

it's good. I love how Mr. Rogan

13:11

was like. How you still call him

13:13

mister? That's great. Make sure

13:15

you do that on the show. Respect. Make sure you

13:17

do that on the show on Thursday. Every time you

13:20

say something about Mr. Rogan I must say. Mr.

13:23

Rogan. He was like. Mr. Rogan

13:28

bring me a treat. Make

13:33

me famous. Oh you were done. Okay

13:35

thank you Michael. Alright way to read

13:37

the room there. Michael Gonzalez bleached

13:40

his hair everybody. Michael show everybody your

13:42

new haircut. Oh wow. Yep.

13:48

It's Theo Blonde. There

13:50

it is. Yeah. Theo, Theo Von.

13:52

Does that work?

14:00

Is that okay? All right. Ari,

14:04

watching your rise, it is so fitting.

14:06

It only works if you have the

14:08

talent. It only works if you've done

14:10

the work and you're a perfect

14:13

fucking Kill Tony specimen. You're on

14:15

your way to being a goddamn

14:18

your own arena act. I'm

14:21

serious. I don't know why

14:23

you're laughing at Mr. Hinchcliffe like that. We

14:29

love you, ladies and gentlemen. The show

14:31

has begun. Thank you. Ari Matty. Thank

14:33

you. Happy birthday, Brian. Happy birthday,

14:36

indeed. The 50th birthday, ladies and

14:38

gentlemen. Oh

14:41

my God. Look at this

14:43

grumpy sack of shit. Look

14:45

at him. He's 50, everybody. Here,

14:47

get off my lawn. Get

14:50

off my lawn. Oh, you're the Postmates guy? Come

14:52

on up. Oh,

14:54

come on. This delivery is late. My

14:58

milkshake's melting. Where's

15:00

the pina colada milk I ordered? I

15:05

like flavored milk. He

15:07

drinks flavored milk because he's 50, but

15:11

he's literally a giant toddler, everybody.

15:13

He made a video on his

15:16

Instagram last night saying he's disappointed

15:18

in the pina colada milk he

15:20

ordered. 50 years

15:22

old. So this

15:25

is... Is that what

15:27

you put in your wife's mouth when you run out of cum? Oh,

15:30

I'm going to cum. Here's

15:32

a pina colada milk. Ladies

15:36

and gentlemen, this is where the show takes on

15:38

a life of its own. This

15:40

is where we found Ari Matty

15:42

out of the bucket. It's where

15:44

we found Cam, William, David Lucas,

15:46

Hans Kim, fucking everybody. This

15:49

could be the next great talent in the world,

15:51

or it could be a

15:53

mentally disabled person that bombs horrendously.

15:56

Could be a smart person that has a bad

15:58

moment. Could be a... that's able

16:00

to get it all together just for a few

16:03

minutes. Anything can happen. Ladies

16:05

and gentlemen, the bucket tonight begins with

16:08

60 seconds uninterrupted from

16:10

Mr. Heath. Mr.

16:12

Heath. Okay. Hello

16:18

to the mothership.

16:21

It is good to be back. It have landed

16:23

here in front of you. If you remember me from last

16:25

time, I didn't even know I could touch this fucking microphone.

16:28

That's how new I was at college. Great

16:30

to see you all again. I actually

16:32

have 60 seconds. You ready? It's better

16:34

than what I gave my wife the first time. Two

16:38

children took 30 seconds a piece. So

16:44

I'm out there and I'm like, holy shit, they called my

16:46

name. I've been signing up since February now. Kill

16:48

Tony literally changed my life, right? So I got

16:50

to get to this real quick and I'm

16:53

not good at suicide because here I am. Right?

16:57

I've been writing since November. I got

17:00

three, three subject notebooks full of trying

17:02

to write jokes. And the only joke I've been able

17:04

to write about is a joke of

17:06

my life. That's it. You

17:12

get it, right? I'm a

17:15

high school dropout, right? I climb trees and I'm a

17:17

captain. To me, that's easy work. Comedy

17:19

is hard work, right? Okay.

17:24

Wow. All right. A

17:26

lot of teasing that a joke was

17:29

coming. You kept saying

17:31

I have 60 seconds now. I've

17:34

only been able to write one joke. We didn't

17:36

get to hear any of it. Is

17:39

that the West Hollywood Bear? Actually,

17:42

this is the closest thing I've ever seen

17:44

to it. You look like the sperm of

17:46

a biker. This

17:49

is absolutely incredible. You

17:51

look like Popeye's Nutsack.

17:55

This is absolutely amazing. I'm just describing

17:57

it so that you understand D-madness. What's

17:59

in- in front of you. You

18:02

have more hair on your arms than Michelle Obama. Yeah.

18:05

Yeah. He

18:08

looks like if Boss Baby was unemployed.

18:13

This is unbelievable. Mr. Heath, you've been on

18:15

this show before I remember, because you're an

18:18

unforgettable guy, but is that a new name?

18:20

I don't remember you going by Mr. Heath

18:22

last time. I went by Mr. Heath last

18:24

time. You did? Sure. Okay.

18:27

All right. My memory deceives me about you.

18:30

Matt Muelling jumping in, also saying he doesn't remember

18:32

that being your name. Okay.

18:35

So, I know for a fact what

18:37

you do for work. He

18:39

works the door at literally

18:42

my new favorite bar slash

18:45

restaurant slash, I mean, it's just

18:47

a fucking unbelievable place. Normally, I

18:49

don't promote things that I like

18:51

on the show, because I don't

18:53

want people going there. But

18:56

I'm going to say it. It is the Dead

18:58

Rabbit here on Sixth Street. Yeah. Give

19:00

it up for the Dead Rabbit Club. Just opened

19:03

up three weeks ago. The best food, the best

19:05

fucking drinks, the best... A true super

19:07

Irish bar came from New York City.

19:09

The only other one is here, down

19:12

the block. They built it here because

19:14

they heard that Rogan's Comedy Club was

19:16

coming here. I mean, it is a

19:19

multi, multi-million dollar infrastructure, which really, just

19:21

like this, shouldn't

19:23

be on Dirty Six, but it's fucking

19:25

awesome that it is. And

19:28

it's a little takeover, and you're the welcoming

19:30

door guy that is at... You're awesome at

19:32

that job. Thank you, Mr. Tony. Thank

19:34

you. And you get

19:36

off in time to be the Rainy Street

19:38

Killer. That's it. I love it. He

19:41

called me Mr. Tony. His name's

19:43

Mr. Heath. Ari says Mr.

19:46

Rogan. There's a lot of misters tonight.

19:49

Yes, sir. I say that out of respect. I actually watched

19:51

Coach Carter in the way that he talked to the

19:53

athletes in that movie. So yeah,

19:56

that's where I came up with it. Just to show everybody

19:58

respect. We've lost them. over the last

20:00

hundred years. I love it. What makes you

20:02

want to do stand-up comedy? Multiple

20:05

factors. Leading on here last year on that charity

20:07

run, I was never committed,

20:09

never really watched comedy. How's

20:12

your buddy doing, by the way? Your buddy, what was

20:14

it again? He had no legs. Oh, he's killing it.

20:16

He's blowing it up, man. So remind, well, sorry he

20:18

has blown it up. What was

20:20

his condition? Remind me? He's quadruple

20:22

amputee. Quadruple amputee. Yes. Right.

20:26

No arms or legs about it. Does he work

20:28

at Stubbs Barbecue? Stubbs

20:33

Barbecue. A good local reference, Whitney.

20:35

Whitney doesn't even live here. Dona

20:38

Stubbs Barbecue. Getting

20:41

it, knocking it out. He's represented

20:43

by Stubbs. And

20:46

as we've seen, he still has better stand-up than I do.

20:49

Yeah. It's

20:52

amazing that he's

20:54

sponsored by Stubbs because he also

20:56

has been barbecued at one point.

20:59

How did he lose his arms and legs again? He

21:01

was blown up

21:03

by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan.

21:05

So to the 82nd area. And

21:08

what's his charity's info

21:10

again? The Travis Mills Foundation. Travis Mills Foundation.

21:12

So look into that. I'll stand in the

21:14

foundation. And you gave the shirt off your

21:17

back. Yeah. Literally.

21:19

Kept the sweater. Kept

21:22

the sweater. He's got no arms, no legs.

21:24

You got no jokes. You guys have it

21:26

all together. Right? Incredible.

21:29

Mr. Heath, you already have a little joke book. Yes,

21:32

I do, sir. Well there you go. Perfect.

21:35

Thank you, Mr. Heath. There goes Mr. Heath,

21:37

everybody. Nice little quick set and interview from

21:39

Mr. Heath. We're going to keep flying through

21:42

it tonight. Mr. Heath's more

21:44

of something to look at than

21:46

an actual personality. How

21:48

about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

21:50

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24:28

60 seconds uninterrupted for Justine

24:30

Frasini, ladies and gentlemen, here

24:32

comes Justine. Here we go.

24:39

Feminism. That

24:42

was the joke. So

24:45

I get into a lot of arguments

24:47

with women about feminism because I'm an

24:49

anti-feminist. They assume that I'm

24:51

a feminist. That's fine. But here's

24:54

the thing. I'm just trying to figure out

24:56

what was the problem because

24:58

if you ask me, women were

25:00

staying at home, getting taken care

25:02

of, not working, but

25:05

yet somehow that wasn't enough. As

25:08

you know, women like to argue. We like to complain.

25:11

So yeah, we just fought for our right to

25:13

vote and we got it. Okay,

25:16

cool. So we're voting now. I

25:20

don't understand. Why do feminists

25:22

assume that I'm a feminist just

25:25

because I vote? Doesn't make sense. So

25:28

here's my question to all

25:31

the feminists out there. What

25:34

about the toilet seat? If

25:38

you're a feminist and you think that men and women

25:40

are equal, then shouldn't we be putting the

25:43

toilet seat up? It's only fair to

25:45

the men. And second, what

25:48

if you're on a sinking boat? You

25:50

really going to tell me that men and women are still equal? I

25:53

don't think so. is

26:00

clapping harder than the other 300 people in

26:03

the room right now. Just

26:06

to keep you guys at home

26:08

posted of what's happening. That was

26:10

incredible, an incredible amount of silence.

26:14

I mean, actually truly shocking. Even

26:16

Mr. Heath had some people laughing

26:19

at him, laughing at

26:21

himself. He's laughing at

26:23

himself. One guy laughed. He's like, at least

26:25

you get it, right? Mr. Heath at least

26:27

had one person that he didn't

26:29

realize was laughing at him, bombing.

26:32

You bombed so hard. I

26:34

feel that. That literally nobody

26:36

was even laughing at how bad you

26:38

were doing. It was more sad than

26:41

it was anger inducing or disappointing.

26:45

It was just really, really sad. I

26:47

really think that while you talked about

26:49

how you're an anti-feminist, I think feminists

26:53

are funnier than you. No, I can't. And

26:56

they're some of the least funny people in

26:58

the world. And

27:01

here you are dissing

27:04

them while bombing. So this was

27:06

a win for the feminists. How

27:12

long have you been doing stand-up time? That was my fourth

27:14

time. Okay, very good. That's at

27:16

least refreshing. If you've been doing

27:18

this for years, going around just

27:20

destroying the energy in rooms, that

27:22

would be incredible. I have a feeling that Ari

27:24

Matty had to go up right after you in

27:26

the other room tonight. Whitney.

27:31

I know we're not supposed to have trans women in

27:34

sports, but can we get them in comedy? Like, is

27:36

that... Ah! Oh.

27:41

I'm totally kidding. This is good. This

27:43

is good for women. This is not bad for women. She

27:45

bombed so hard, they're gonna draft her into the military, and

27:48

they don't even want women. Yes. So let's talk

27:50

about it, Justine. Let's talk about your life a

27:52

little bit. I feel like we can dig up

27:54

some stuff that you should be talking about. Because

27:58

when you're doing anti-fem... You should be able

28:00

to get laughs, and you

28:02

were unable to accomplish that. But again, you're very

28:05

new, so let's figure it out. Let's break it

28:07

down. What do

28:09

you do for work? I clean luxury

28:11

vacation homes. So, like, million-dollar homes.

28:14

Okay, I think I might actually have a job for you, then. Cool,

28:16

cool. Um... Whoo!

28:20

I think I might be able to make you a

28:22

real American citizen, Justine. Changing

28:25

lives here tonight. So,

28:28

Justine, what are some of your passions? What

28:32

are you into in life? Do you have

28:34

any hobbies or special skills or talents or

28:36

anything? I am

28:38

a recreational kickball team

28:40

captain. I do exercise

28:42

science. But yeah,

28:44

I do a lot. Lady,

28:46

you shut the fuck up. The

28:49

entire episode. No, don't talk. Over

28:51

here. Stop. Relax.

28:53

You know you. You're, like, talking.

28:55

Yes, do you hear how you're talking now? God,

29:01

stupid. You see how

29:03

I'm, like, right here? You see how if I don't have a mic,

29:05

you, like, hear me? Because

29:10

you're a teacher, you think you can talk during

29:12

this because you make minimal

29:14

amount of money and destroy society? Like,

29:18

why would you... You're not a

29:20

good person. Teachers aren't even, like, liked

29:22

anymore. She's in a good... They're not

29:24

respected. They're not liked. Shut the fuck

29:26

up. I'm the teacher

29:28

of this classroom, and you're being a bad

29:30

student. Anyway,

29:34

I'm dealing with... I'm

29:37

dealing with so many fucking

29:40

issues right now. She's

29:42

in a good mood. She just fucked one of her students.

29:48

Okay. So you

29:50

don't say words... No, late. Okay, guys,

29:52

yeah, just... If

29:54

you say anything else, they're going to literally kick you

29:56

out. We're gonna have to edit this fucking part out

29:58

because you're such a dumb cunt. that you had

30:01

to keep talking after I told you to not talk.

30:03

You had to update your table about why you're talking

30:05

and how silly it is and what I said. Because

30:08

you're such a- It's amazing you managed someone in, like to

30:10

have someone in Texas not believe in the First Amendment,

30:12

man. Yeah. Yeah,

30:14

this is why the Second Amendment exists, is so

30:16

that we can shoot people like

30:18

that in the fucking head. I

30:21

don't get it, I'm a teacher. Shut

30:24

the fuck up. Look,

30:26

look at this guy. You see how fucking polite he

30:28

is? He's ducking down. Yeah, keep

30:31

going you pedophile, keep going. Keep

30:34

going. Bunch of freaks

30:36

in this audience tonight. Pedophiles

30:38

know how to tiptoe quietly. Yeah,

30:41

exactly. All

30:47

right. Okay, done being

30:49

mean to the teacher. Let's go back

30:51

to Justine. So you're

30:53

a professional kickball captain. Yep.

30:57

Okay, so that's nothing that can

30:59

relate to anything. That's nothing, yeah.

31:03

What made you start standup so recently? What made you

31:05

want to get into this? I actually

31:07

did it a couple years ago and I took

31:09

a little break, so I've been off stage for

31:11

two years. I will be honest with you, what

31:15

I just said was pretty much not my set.

31:17

I pretty much forgot what I was gonna say

31:20

when I came out here. Do you remember it now? A

31:23

little bit more. Why don't you do one of the things that you

31:25

were gonna do, instead of whatever the fuck

31:27

that was? I don't even know what I said.

31:29

Like, I don't even remember what I said. I

31:31

remember every single word. Do you? Oh,

31:33

it was so bad that it's imprinted

31:35

in my head forever. I have PTSD.

31:38

Okay, well, I will say that- I have to

31:40

use talkspace.com to, using

31:42

the promo code KILLTONY, saving $80 off my

31:44

first month. It's

31:47

the code SPACE80,

31:50

talkspace.com/Tony. I

31:52

need therapy because of what you said. Okay. If

31:55

you reading ads is funnier than a woman, stand

31:57

up. I know. I'm gonna kill myself.

32:00

Unbelievable. It is

32:02

unbelievable. Do you remember anything that you were going to

32:04

say? No. I will say I've done stand up four

32:06

times. I've never done the same joke or the same

32:08

set. And my first time, I did

32:10

great. And so I thought I had it in

32:12

me because everybody thought I was hilarious. I got booked

32:15

as the closer the next night. Wow. But I haven't

32:17

done it for two years. And so I've never done

32:19

any of the material I did tonight. Let me interrupt

32:21

you. Did you think about after that first set?

32:23

Thanks for telling me to go. Did

32:26

you think after that first set that went

32:29

so great, did you think maybe you should

32:31

have done some of the material that went

32:33

so great? I was just naive. And I

32:35

didn't realize that comedians do the same material

32:38

because they have to perform multiple times. And

32:40

I thought, oh, I can come up with

32:42

all this fun stuff. When you're watching a

32:45

musical production, do you think that they're improvising

32:47

everything in the moment? No. No. Never practiced

32:49

that before? Yeah, I know. You're absolutely not.

32:51

No, it's fine. It's not that there are

32:54

a lot of podcasts these days that talk

32:56

about how comedy works. So how would you

32:58

ever know? No, exactly. You could listen to

33:00

it. Rogan breaks things down. Like, there's a

33:03

lot of ways. You're awesome. I

33:05

love watching you, actually. And it's just like doing

33:07

it more and doing it consistently. And listen to

33:09

podcasts because we fucking drone on about. So I

33:11

watch Kill Tony every week. And of course, I'm

33:14

a diehard fan. Do you retain any of the

33:16

information? I do. I

33:18

try to. Maybe

33:21

I don't. But yeah, I like to think I

33:23

do. And I knew, I did know

33:25

that I might come up here in bomb. But I

33:27

felt like it would be honored. If you'd been honored

33:29

to give her a sift. Find out information about you.

33:32

What's your living situation? Where do you live? I live

33:34

in Phoenix, Arizona. OK. Do you live by yourself? I

33:36

live with my brother. We've been together 10 years. You

33:39

and your brother have been together?

33:41

Roommates. Roommies. Wow. Oh

33:44

my goodness. You know, talk space therapy

33:46

and psychiatry are covered by most insurance

33:48

plans and employers. Space

33:52

80 is the promo code. You

33:54

may need therapy. OK.

33:57

All right. So you live with your brother. I

34:02

asked you, were you clean luxury homes

34:04

in Phoenix? That's exclusively your only job?

34:06

Yeah, so I do, it's like Airbnbs, like

34:09

million dollar homes, huge houses. So

34:12

when guests check out, I go and clean it, and

34:14

then another guest checks in. I

34:16

also am in school, I'm a full-time student

34:18

for exercise science. You're

34:21

a full-time student for what? Exercise physiology,

34:23

exercise science. What are you planning

34:26

on doing with that? Nothing with that,

34:28

just getting that for fun. Perfect, all

34:30

right, so we have a

34:33

maid that plays kickball. Oh,

34:37

sure, yeah. Maid that plays kickball.

34:39

Most maids play soccer, but you're

34:41

white. It's

34:43

true. So you play kickball. It

34:46

is the baseball version of soccer. I

34:50

like to say it's the sport that people play when they can't

34:52

play sports. That's also a good

34:54

point. You also have comedy

34:56

for people that can't do comedy. Absolutely,

34:59

absolutely. All right, there's

35:01

gotta be more. Did anything traumatizing ever

35:03

happen to you in life? My house was

35:05

firebombed by a gang when I was 12. Okay,

35:09

by firebombed, do you mean like Molotov

35:11

cocktails, or what does that mean? So

35:14

I lived next door to a gang, they

35:16

poured gasoline around my house. My dad was

35:18

the starter of the block watch in our

35:20

neighborhood, so they didn't like that.

35:22

I'd like to hear the gang side of

35:24

the story. I would too. My

35:27

dad probably pissed them off, but yeah,

35:29

they firebombed my house. Your last name's Frisini,

35:31

so your dad's last name's Frisini, Anthony

35:34

Frisini. John. John

35:37

Frisini. He actually had a show

35:39

on Public Access. He was a comedian as well.

35:41

He was a comedian? He was, yeah. Does

35:43

he know you're doing comedy? Yeah, he does. What does he

35:45

think about this? Did he tell you, is he supportive? He

35:48

is supportive, yeah. He made me

35:50

do a joke for him on my first set, and

35:52

it was probably a lot better than what I did

35:54

tonight. What was that joke? Okay, it

35:56

was... So,

35:59

bands. How do they think of these band names,

36:01

right? We got Panic at the

36:04

Disco, Imagine Dragons, The

36:06

Weeknd. One guy gets the

36:08

whole fucking weekend. I don't get it. How's

36:11

it? Fuck. Oh,

36:13

I don't know. If your dad really wanted

36:15

to help your comedy career, he should have

36:18

just molested you. I mean, that's true. Honestly?

36:21

That's true. And I don't think it's

36:23

too late. That's what I'm

36:25

prescribing. That's

36:27

what I'm prescribing. John Frisini, if you're

36:29

listening. Because your brother doing it obviously

36:32

isn't helping much, but if your dad

36:34

did it... Yeah. Whoo!

36:37

Yeah. Unbelievable.

36:39

So, Justine, I tried my best

36:41

with you. We're

36:44

gonna figure it out eventually,

36:46

hopefully. Try harder. There

36:48

you go. Justine Frisini getting a little

36:50

joke book. We're moving on. Whoo!

36:55

It's not an easy job. It's

36:58

a thankless, thankless job I do up

37:00

here. Make some noise for

37:02

Kent Hunter, ladies and gentlemen. Your next

37:05

comedian out of the bucket, Kent Hunter.

37:07

Zero punchlines. Third bucket pool of

37:09

the night. Let's see if Kent

37:11

changes the way. Kent Hunter. You guys know

37:13

that all squirrels are flying squirrels if you

37:15

throw them off a cliff? Yeah.

37:22

I recently sexted for the first

37:24

time. Yeah, I was

37:26

nervous to know what I was doing. She wanted me to start.

37:28

I was like, hey, you're really

37:30

pretty. So, great line. Any of

37:32

you guys feel free to use it. She

37:35

responded, said, I'd be a lot prettier with your cock

37:38

in my mouth. I was like, whoa. I

37:41

didn't know what to say. I didn't really have the heart to

37:43

tell her. I'm more of a weenie guy myself. And

37:54

then later on, she was like, I'd like to give

37:56

you a blowjob if you'd reciprocate. I

37:59

was like, what does reciprocate? Reciprocate mean I

38:03

had to Google the word reciprocate in

38:05

the middle Yeah, and then I

38:07

did and I was like no, I'm not sucking your dick

38:09

what? You

38:13

have a dick All

38:15

right. Thank you everybody Ken Hunter

38:17

a bucket pool with punchlines setups

38:22

Premises Execution.

38:25

Oh my god It's unbelievable

38:29

Absolutely incredible. Thank you so much Kent. Welcome

38:31

back to the show You've been on before

38:33

you famously have shaky legs. I do and

38:35

they're already going famously

38:38

the shaky leg guy Michaels How

38:42

do you how are they feeling tonight they look pretty solid

38:44

oh No,

38:49

they started backstage they started backstage they just

38:51

have a life of their own Whitney How

38:53

bad do you want to sit on this

38:55

guy's life? Go

38:59

Napoleon Dino might fuck

39:01

you later Absolutely,

39:05

look at this big giant nervous

39:08

goofball What's

39:10

funny is the two people before you had

39:12

zero punchlines bomb their asses off and they

39:14

didn't seem nervous at all Isn't

39:17

it incredible? It almost seems like the more you

39:19

care the better you are at

39:21

this That's something

39:24

is not an amazing study of

39:26

science we're learning here tonight on

39:28

Kiltona an unbelievable

39:32

How's it going Kent update us with about your life

39:34

since the last time you've been on this show? What

39:37

do you do for work again? I work at h e b H

39:40

e b that's right. How could I forget? Okay,

39:44

well get one on in life. Well, everybody loves

39:46

h e b. It's an absolute cornerstone of the

39:48

Texas community One of the things to be proud

39:50

of and represent it's a it excels at being

39:52

one of the best grocery stores in the world

39:56

Specializing in their specific products being better

39:58

than the mainstream products that the rest

40:00

of America is being force-fed. Do you

40:02

want my job? What?

40:04

Do you want my job? No. Way

40:07

better than I am. No, not at all.

40:09

I'm just better at understanding why people would

40:11

be proud of that. It's

40:13

a staple here in Texas, the greatest

40:16

state in the United States of America.

40:22

Okay. So what were you saying? I

40:24

recently turned 21. Oh. I'm

40:26

finally a real adult now. Oh my goodness.

40:28

Wow, that's incredible. You look like you fought

40:30

in Vietnam. That's amazing. 21 years old. Yeah.

40:33

Amazing. How's 21 treating you? Oh,

40:35

it's been very good. I've been having a lot more fun.

40:39

Tell us about it. I've just been able to go out to bars. I'm able

40:41

to get into more clubs now. A

40:44

lot of places that wouldn't let me in underage

40:46

now. Right. I don't have a lot

40:48

more spots. Yeah, they wouldn't let you in now. You're allowed

40:50

to go in. So what are you doing in

40:52

there? Drinking. What are you

40:54

drinking? What are you doing? I like rumbling. What's

40:57

a wild night in the life of Kent Hunter?

40:59

I enjoy rumple mints. Oh, a real dirt ball.

41:03

Yeah. Well, well, well. Dirt

41:05

balls like that. What? So

41:09

rumple mints. So like

41:11

what's the most amount of shots of rumple mints

41:13

you've done in a night? Not

41:15

many. Not many. About three.

41:18

About three. What

41:23

happens on a night like that? You

41:25

go out there. Your legs are shaking. People

41:27

are like, this guy's trashed. I

41:29

mean, nothing really. I just drink, have fun with my friends,

41:32

and go home. Now,

41:34

we once sent him out on a date, and you

41:37

got a little awkward, a little nervous. You told her

41:39

nothing's going to happen. We're not doing anything. Let's just

41:41

enjoy the meal. I paid for the meal. It was

41:43

at a great restaurant. Thank you for that, buddy. Took

41:45

care of it. Yeah. Yeah, it

41:47

was just food. But you were

41:50

supposed to like enjoy the date and enjoy

41:52

the company, and maybe something was going to happen. And

41:55

instead, the second she sat down, you set ground

41:58

rules. You said nothing's going to happen. We're

42:00

gonna... This is true. Am I right? Am

42:02

I lying? It was before we sat down. Right,

42:05

well, amazing. It was before we... Amazing.

42:10

So, what's the deal with that? Are you

42:12

a virgin? I still am, yes, sir. Right,

42:14

absolutely. Listen to the ladies

42:16

out there. There's some Latina ladies that

42:18

want to fucking pop your empanada, you

42:20

know what I'm saying? Can

42:23

someone fuck this guy before he shoots up a school?

42:26

Yeah. Unless

42:28

it's that woman's school. Right. Pfft!

42:36

The Dark Queen Whitney Cummings.

42:38

First of her name. Future

42:41

Austin resident. Kent

42:44

Hunter. Absolutely incredible. So, have you been

42:47

going on dates at all? Or are

42:49

you just not interested? I've been trying

42:51

to. I just... I'm very awkward. I'm

42:54

not good with women. Yeah. So,

42:57

yeah, I mean, I've matched with a few people on

42:59

Hinge. I've tried. It's just not really working out. Have

43:01

you kissed a girl in Austin? I have. You

43:04

have? Yes. Right. How'd that go? Did you like

43:06

it? Yeah, it was on this show. Oh, it

43:08

was. Good, that makes

43:10

sense. Have you ever kissed a girl not

43:13

on this show in Austin? Not in Austin,

43:15

no. But

43:22

you enjoy kissing girls on Kill

43:24

Tony? Yeah. Is

43:26

there a girl out there that... Look

43:29

at this guy. He only gets to kiss girls

43:31

on Kill Tony. It's only happened once before. Is

43:35

there a hero out there in the crowd? We

43:37

have the best audiences in the world here on

43:40

Kill Tony. Is there somebody? Come on up.

43:43

Come on up. It's got to be your

43:45

idea. We need your consent. Is

43:48

there someone out there? Is there a hero amongst

43:50

us? Is

43:53

there someone coming? Oh

43:55

my goodness. Oh

43:58

my goodness. Here we go. There

44:01

is here. Oh, she's a tiny

44:03

little thing. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

44:06

Keep coming. Nope, nope. There you

44:09

go. Yep. Wow.

44:11

Congratulations, Kent. You're

44:14

about to make out with a human stool. Wow.

44:20

Wow. Wow.

44:23

What is your name? Miranda.

44:26

Miranda. Ladies and gentlemen, this

44:28

is Miranda. That is Kent

44:30

Hunter. Do you need this

44:32

chair to stand on? No,

44:34

don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. We don't

44:36

want you getting hurt. No, no, no, no, no. Only

44:39

a lawsuit can affect us. It's

44:42

the only thing that can damage us in any way. 4'10

44:46

hasn't gotten you far until now.

44:49

Kent, why don't you... Somehow

44:52

she's gonna make a man out of you, and you're

44:54

gonna have to do this little troll

44:56

we found. Ladies and gentlemen,

44:59

Kent, you gotta lean down. Wow.

45:05

That was a sweet little kiss. Make

45:08

some noise for Miranda. Here's a joke book. Take that

45:10

with you. Good job. Oh,

45:15

you like that one, Kent. Doing the slow

45:17

clap over here. I don't know if you

45:19

guys saw that. Did a little low slow

45:21

clap. You seem excited.

45:23

Legs aren't shaking anymore. You're

45:26

right where you need to be in this world. How did that

45:29

feel, Kent? It was good. You

45:33

know, I mean, I try

45:35

and I try with you. And

45:39

we all call you the gay one. That's

45:41

true. That is true. Is

45:43

it religion? We need to get you laid. We need you

45:45

to be less of a Kent hunter and more of a

45:47

cunt hunter, you know what I'm saying? Did

45:51

Miranda already go? Did Charity leave? Miranda,

45:53

you want to go on a date with this guy? What?

45:58

Huh? Will you

46:00

go on a date with Miranda? I will, yeah. Are

46:03

you gonna waste our time and tell her

46:05

that nothing's gonna happen beforehand? You

46:08

gonna give her a chance? Sure. Yeah. This

46:12

guy's gonna be a virgin for eternity.

46:15

Is it a religious thing? Uh... What

46:17

is the deal? It might be. I grew up religious. Oh,

46:21

shit. Oh,

46:23

shit. She

46:31

said, for those of you that couldn't hear, which

46:33

is everybody listening to the

46:35

show, she said, don't

46:37

worry, don't worry, I've got it. Meaning,

46:40

she's gonna rape you. Are

46:44

you down for that? You need to get one

46:46

out of your system, Kent. I don't know if

46:48

anybody's telling you or told you, you need to

46:50

fuck, Kent. I know. I'm working on it. I'm

46:52

trying. You don't need to work, you don't need

46:54

to try. You need to go out with Miranda,

46:56

do a few shots of fucking gay-ass rumple,

46:59

man. And then

47:01

let Miranda take over. Do you understand?

47:03

Okay. Make sure you wear a condom,

47:05

because she looks like she's fucking made

47:07

of patchouli. Your

47:11

bed's gonna smell like a fucking head

47:13

shop for a week, but it's gonna

47:15

be fine afterwards. All

47:18

right? All right. You

47:20

gonna let her fuck you? Sure. Why not?

47:22

You just lay there. Why not? You

47:24

lay there, Miranda's gonna rape

47:27

you. You're

47:29

giving consent. Miranda has

47:31

been placed in order. And

47:35

just let it happen. You can't fail. You need

47:37

to get one out of your system so that

47:39

it'll loosen you up. Your legs will stop shaking.

47:42

You'll just be a different guy. You need to

47:44

pop it. Got it? Say it,

47:46

I'm gonna pop it. Say

47:51

it. It. No, you

47:53

gotta say the whole thing. I'm gonna pop

47:55

it. There you go.

47:57

Ladies and gentlemen, you know what, if you want to. You

48:00

can be on the secret show Thursday. You can have the

48:02

date. And then you're like, you know what we're gonna do?

48:05

We're gonna fast track it. Miranda and

48:07

you are gonna have drinks tonight at

48:09

Mitzi's after the, what do you mean

48:12

you can't? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

48:14

He's already saying he can't. Why? I

48:17

have to work at 4 a.m. tomorrow. Oh,

48:19

Jesus Christ almighty. You work at HEB, dude.

48:21

Yes. Yeah, the peanut butter milk.

48:23

And they're already gonna fire me. What? They

48:26

already wanna fire me. Why? Why do they wanna

48:28

fire me? I've been calling in a bunch. Oh. Because

48:31

you've been walking around with a fucking boner for the past two years.

48:35

All right, well we're gonna figure it out. We're

48:37

gonna make it happen. There he goes, Kent Hunter,

48:40

ladies and gentlemen. He's

48:42

doing the secret show Thursday. He's already got a

48:44

big joke book. We're getting through it.

48:48

Let's get one more bucket pool up here before

48:50

we get to one of the great regulars of

48:52

the show. We're

48:55

having fun, but let's meet another human.

48:57

We got a little bit of momentum.

48:59

Make some noise for Luke Stam, everyone.

49:01

We're gonna meet Luke Stam right now.

49:04

Live on Hell Phone. I

49:09

heard if you do what you love, you never

49:11

work a day in your life. That's

49:14

why I became a school bus driver.

49:17

Because I love driving drunk.

49:21

But what about the children? Don't

49:24

worry, I drive a short bus. Those

49:27

parents would be fucking thrilled if I

49:29

got into an accident. They

49:32

could finally buy themselves something nice

49:35

instead of another scooter for little

49:37

Timmy every time his big ass

49:39

bobble in head shit the motor

49:41

out. Now

49:44

I told that joke and this older lady came

49:46

up to me, said I ruined her day because

49:48

she had two kids with Down Syndrome or whatever

49:50

the fuck. And

49:52

I don't mean to throw caution to the

49:54

wind here when I say this, but how

49:56

fucking rude. After

49:59

you had the first- one you kept

50:01

prancing around with a broken twat and

50:03

you squirted out another? Then

50:06

again it probably isn't her fault because

50:08

if her pussy's tight enough to squeeze

50:10

an extra chromosome into every head that

50:13

passes through her imagine how retarded it

50:15

must have felt for her husband to

50:17

slam his dickhead through her. Absafuckin'

50:21

Lutely. Welcome,

50:24

Luke Stamp. Truly,

50:28

truly funny. Hello. Welcome. How long

50:30

you been with stand up? About

50:32

four years. Four years. Where at?

50:35

Colorado Springs. I love it. Do you live

50:37

here now? Yeah I moved here in April.

50:39

I love it. Absolutely. How's Austin treating you?

50:42

Not too bad. It's a lot hotter than I thought

50:44

it'd be. I bought a bunch of coats for no

50:46

fucking reason. That'll come in handy

50:49

for like a few days in December, January.

50:51

But yeah it is incredibly hot here. The

50:53

first one's the worst. Everybody told me that first

50:55

summer you'll get used to it. You'll start

50:57

to like it. I didn't believe them but

50:59

it actually is a thing. Good, good. Yeah

51:01

you'll start to like it. I have so

51:03

much sweat in my ass I swear. Shit my

51:05

pants or something. Yeah no you look like

51:07

you would have a sweaty ass. Oh yeah

51:09

all the time. Yeah constantly.

51:12

Yeah that makes perfect sense.

51:15

What do you do for a living Luke? I

51:17

do valet. Okay. People

51:19

let me drive their cars. That's incredible.

51:21

Nothing better than a sweaty ass guy

51:24

getting multiple cars. I'm soaking their seats.

51:26

Is it like at a fancy restaurant,

51:28

hotel? I mean I probably shouldn't say

51:30

but yeah it's a fancy place for

51:33

rich people that tip me too much

51:35

and if they don't tip me I

51:37

fart in the car. Perfect, perfect.

51:41

But don't they tip at the end? Yeah

51:43

well you know. You

51:46

just you just guess whether or not they're

51:49

gonna tip. I just let them rip. There's

51:51

just an excuse. Right exactly. Okay Luke I

51:53

love it. How old are you? 27. 27.

51:55

What else you uh what

51:59

do you do for fun in life? Yeah, I

52:01

look like shit. Jesus Christ. Oh, you're great. You're

52:04

doing just great. What else

52:06

do I do? Yeah, what do you have? Like, what's

52:08

fun for you? I play a

52:10

lot of pool. Yeah,

52:12

fuck it. I don't know what else. I

52:15

just quit drinking, so everything's boring now. Beautiful.

52:17

What made you quit drinking? I

52:19

really like other drugs, so yeah.

52:22

Ooh. Yeah. Like

52:24

what? Like cocaine. Yeah. And

52:27

that was a big thing for you

52:29

in Colorado Springs. Oh, that's all Colorado

52:31

Springs is for. Right. Exactly. And

52:33

you moved here and got sober? Did you get

52:36

sober then moved? No, I got sober here, but

52:38

I was still drinking for the first couple of

52:40

months here. I got here in April. The old

52:42

William Montgomery. That's what we call it. Yeah, yeah,

52:44

yeah, yeah. He came here and found sobriety in

52:46

Austin, which is extremely hard to do. And I

52:49

would just read books in my room, drink

52:52

coffee and listen to smooth jazz.

52:54

Oh, wow. Think about buying a

52:56

gun to suck on. Yeah. Yeah.

52:58

That makes sense. Absolutely. Yep.

53:05

That makes sense. Nothing

53:07

better than smooth, smooth jazz and sucking

53:09

on a gun. Nothing like

53:12

it, Tony. No, not at all. But you

53:14

don't have a gun yet. No, not yet. Are

53:16

you thinking about getting one? Well, I live

53:19

in Texas now, so I should. You should.

53:21

Absolutely. What's your living situation like? Oh,

53:23

it was pretty rough when I first got

53:25

here. It's better than living in my car, but I keep

53:28

finding people on Facebook Marketplace that

53:30

have rooms for rent. And

53:32

like the first lady, her boyfriend

53:34

got off his medication and beat her

53:36

up, and he went to jail. And

53:39

then I moved into her studio apartment with her.

53:42

And then she started hoarding animals, so I got out.

53:44

Whoa, what kind of animals was she for?

53:47

Like a great Pyrenees dog, two cats, a

53:50

turtle she found outside, a rabbit off

53:52

of Facebook, two Blue

53:54

Jays and a pigeon. Wow. I'd

53:57

like to hear her boyfriend's side of the

53:59

story. I

1:02:00

absolutely love it. Topical,

1:02:02

great. Uh, if

1:02:05

you endorse Kamala, if

1:02:07

you endorse her, she will let you fuck her. I

1:02:09

don't know if you know that. She does... She

1:02:13

only fucks people that can help her career

1:02:15

at all. Really good

1:02:17

news. You got my vote, bitch. Yep. Yep.

1:02:22

If you try to suck a dick or something, let me

1:02:24

know. He is talking directly

1:02:26

to you, Kamala Harris. Is

1:02:29

she married? She married? She is married

1:02:31

to a tiny white man who definitely

1:02:33

is gay and doesn't fuck her. Yeah.

1:02:37

I could be the first man. That's what it's called, the first nigga

1:02:39

in the president. What did it mean, the

1:02:41

first guy? I like that version, the first

1:02:43

N-word. You do. First...

1:02:46

You know what I'm saying? I do that. No,

1:02:48

you can't be with Kamala. You only fuck black checks.

1:02:50

What she is? Again,

1:02:54

it depends

1:02:56

on where she is. Yeah, you're not wrong.

1:02:58

Her ethnicity. She goes from being Indian to

1:03:01

black to a... I fuck Indians, too, nigga.

1:03:03

I don't give a damn. Okay. This

1:03:05

dick not racist. This dick love all people.

1:03:07

That's right. All women. But

1:03:12

I'm cool with the gays. You know what I am? There you go.

1:03:15

If there's any gays that are on the

1:03:17

line there... Cool with the gays. ...is pro-gay.

1:03:19

No, I'm pro-gay, yes. Yep. Yeah,

1:03:22

yeah. You had heard it here, folks.

1:03:24

Kam just admitted that he's a professional gay. You

1:03:27

said you're a pro-gay. Yeah. You

1:03:30

know what? You can't fight it. You just gotta let

1:03:32

it happen. Okay, whatever. There you

1:03:34

go. Yes, and roll it with it. Whatever you say.

1:03:36

Roll with the punches. White

1:03:38

people love gay shit. Okay. That's

1:03:41

true. They love being gay. That's

1:03:43

okay. Are you running for president?

1:03:46

This is amazing. All right. Vote for me,

1:03:48

I'll legalize fit-in all. Hell yeah. Okay.

1:03:50

All right. Is it random? I

1:03:52

don't have... Absolutely.

1:04:00

Yeah, yeah. What else is going

1:04:03

on in life, Cam Patterson? I just been

1:04:05

telling, really. I got hand tattoos now. I'm

1:04:07

pretty excited about those. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

1:04:09

What does that say? This one say, go harder for when I beat my

1:04:11

meat. Uh-huh. And

1:04:15

this one say, be great, because I want to

1:04:17

be great. That's what I was saying. I love

1:04:19

it. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Were you not going

1:04:22

hard enough while masturbating before? Sometimes you got

1:04:24

to remind yourself. You know what I'm saying? Yep.

1:04:26

Go a little turd and motherfucker a little more. Absolutely. Feel

1:04:29

me? I'm going to tell you what, that

1:04:31

bitch a little stronger. Yeah. Yeah.

1:04:33

Hell, yeah. You got

1:04:35

a new go hard tattoo? Yeah. It

1:04:38

was pretty, the people I was in, when I was

1:04:40

in Louisville, people came from Indiana, and

1:04:42

they, uh, I signed their leg, and they got a tattoo

1:04:44

on their leg. They got my senator's tattoo on their leg.

1:04:47

Okay. Where was that at?

1:04:49

In Sellersburg, Indiana. Did he have a bunch of

1:04:51

other tattoos? Uh, yeah. Of

1:04:53

other people's names? No. Oh, okay.

1:04:56

I'm the, I mean, probably I'm the first black person on his

1:04:58

leg, though. Wow. Look at

1:05:00

you. I'm excited. It's

1:05:02

three young, three people did it. It's three white

1:05:05

people. Hell, yeah. Amazing. I made my

1:05:07

people proud that day. Absolutely. I

1:05:09

branded a white man. Yep.

1:05:12

Yep. Three,

1:05:14

um. Oh, how the

1:05:18

times have changed. Oh, how the times

1:05:20

have changed. Absolutely

1:05:25

incredible. What else is going on? Anything

1:05:27

else crazy? Shit, nothing really. I

1:05:29

just been running around. I got a new spot. I got

1:05:32

a new place. Nah, so I'm excited about that. Nice. Yeah,

1:05:35

yeah. It's nice. I mean, yeah,

1:05:37

yeah, yeah. It's

1:05:39

that good. It's good. Are you

1:05:42

done letting open mic'ers sleep on your couch? Nah,

1:05:44

I'm a good person. No, you need to stop that.

1:05:46

Okay, I'll stop that. Okay, good. Okay.

1:05:51

Yeah. I mean, I got to answer the room. I

1:05:53

got a game room and shit. You got a game

1:05:55

room? Yeah, yeah. I'm just at another room.

1:05:58

Are there any games that are? It's game room. I

1:22:00

was doing mics in Los Angeles afterwards, but

1:22:03

I lived in Manhattan Beach, which is just

1:22:05

totally irrelevant as far as LA comedy goes.

1:22:09

So I was driving an hour to go to

1:22:11

Burbank and to go to third

1:22:13

wheel comedy in East Hollywood, and it was

1:22:15

just terrible. So I was like, I gotta

1:22:17

come to Austin and incubate. Yeah, so what

1:22:19

do you do for work now? I still

1:22:21

work there, but they- You work at a

1:22:24

factory in Los Angeles. Yeah, that's right. I'm

1:22:26

trying to figure this out. Thank you, Red

1:22:29

Band, for your addition of how. Yeah. I

1:22:32

got this, Red Band. Thank you so much for the

1:22:34

assistance here. Red Band hit 50 hard. Oh,

1:22:37

yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I

1:22:40

was kind of getting to that how. Thank

1:22:43

you. So how?

1:22:46

Yeah. It's

1:22:48

a good question, Tony. Well, I'm a-

1:22:52

I used to be there in person. I'm now

1:22:54

remote, and I just- I was there last week.

1:22:56

They want- okay, hold on. Let me back it

1:22:58

up a little bit. They would like

1:23:00

to fire me because I

1:23:02

moved to Austin very spontaneously, and

1:23:05

that wasn't part of the contract.

1:23:07

But I'm a programmer, like a computer

1:23:09

programmer, and so I still

1:23:12

work remotely, but I come back back

1:23:14

and forth pretty often. You really are an ordinary

1:23:16

guy. I

1:23:18

can't understand what you're saying. How does your Filipino

1:23:21

girlfriend understand what you're saying? I can hardly- How?

1:23:25

How? I don't

1:23:27

know. Maybe she doesn't understand me.

1:23:29

She's just along for the ride, maybe. Is

1:23:31

she with you, or are you in the

1:23:33

relationship remotely as well? I

1:23:36

brought her with me. She was part of the reason. She wanted to

1:23:38

leave Los Angeles as well. She went to USC.

1:23:41

She had been there for like seven years. Right. And

1:23:43

so I had done Kill Tony. I won't get out of here.

1:23:47

Take me with you. Is

1:23:51

that what she sounds like? Yeah. I

1:23:53

love you. What tongue heal? Wow.

1:23:58

You go Austin? Okay. Very good.

1:24:00

That's racist. Absolutely

1:24:02

incredible. How?

1:24:09

She's here with me. She's here with me.

1:24:11

Yeah, that's right. Her name's How, yes. Very

1:24:13

good. H-A-H-A. You

1:24:17

don't have to do the math on that.

1:24:19

Let her do it. Bill,

1:24:21

what do you do for fun now that you're here

1:24:23

in Austin, Texas? We

1:24:28

try to explore a little bit. We go to restaurants

1:24:30

and check out the scene as much as we can. I

1:24:34

don't want to say I do too much of the

1:24:36

open mic. I do open mics way too much. I

1:24:38

think my girlfriend is maybe starving as a result. What

1:24:40

does she do when you're doing that? She

1:24:43

stays at home, and she is knitting.

1:24:46

Ah. It's a new thing. It's

1:24:48

a new thing. She's crocheting, and she's knitting

1:24:50

clothing. Ah,

1:24:53

very good. Is she making clothes? She's

1:24:55

making clothes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She makes

1:24:57

stuff. OK, they're good at that. We're

1:25:00

finding out, yeah. But I don't think she

1:25:02

knew initially that it was an innate thing.

1:25:04

She's kind of discovering it now. And she

1:25:07

works crazy hours just knitting. It's

1:25:10

almost self-imposed labor. Is she

1:25:12

able to do it when she's on her

1:25:14

period? Oh, yeah. Me

1:25:17

not want knit no more. My

1:25:20

pussy, boy. I

1:25:23

cannot knit while pussy, boy. Bill,

1:25:26

you be doing too many open mic. Stay

1:25:29

here with me. I'm emotional. Bill.

1:25:33

Bill. Bill. Are

1:25:36

you listening to me, Bill? Yes, baby. Come

1:25:40

here, Bill. I want

1:25:43

you to suck my dick with your gun to your head. I

1:25:47

lady boy in this joke. I

1:25:50

have dick in this joke. OK. Bill.

1:25:58

So now that you're single, you're going to have

1:26:00

to. a lot of good new material. I hear

1:26:02

you want Kiltoni. I do not

1:26:04

like it. You

1:26:06

know my open mic. Tell

1:26:09

us a deep dark secret that you would never

1:26:11

want to share on a live podcast. Come

1:26:15

on Bill. You got it. You got this

1:26:17

Bill. Be honest. I'll try. This is the

1:26:19

first thing that comes to mind. I love it. Yeah.

1:26:22

I suppose this at this point there's no

1:26:24

more occupational hazards. We did this. They did

1:26:26

deepest darkest secret at the creek and the

1:26:29

cave. No one knows what any of you

1:26:31

just said is. Yeah. My bad. All

1:26:33

right. I'll answer the question Bill. Yes

1:26:36

sir. Well I played

1:26:38

a lot of soccer when I was growing up

1:26:40

and when we were really young like like I

1:26:43

don't really remember maybe it was like early teenager. We went

1:26:45

to a camp in Pennsylvania and

1:26:48

so it was a bunch of guys who were

1:26:50

in an old dormitory and I think we were

1:26:53

kind of like you know aimless. We didn't know

1:26:55

what to do after soccer. So someone broke into

1:26:57

the basement of the dormitory and they found a

1:26:59

television like an old you know TV and it

1:27:02

had porn pornography on it. There was a was

1:27:04

naked ladies and stuff going on on the TV.

1:27:07

So we all we all went down there

1:27:09

and porn. This is it's going

1:27:11

to sound gay than it was. It wasn't that

1:27:13

gay. Like it's going

1:27:15

to. I know as you

1:27:18

guys are thinking but like we didn't know

1:27:20

what to do. Like because we're like new

1:27:22

to I think jerking off and stuff. So

1:27:24

people just had big like erections and they

1:27:26

would like walk around and they were big.

1:27:31

I had nothing to base it off of. I swear they're

1:27:33

bigger than minds. I was like they're big erections. I don't

1:27:35

know. You were seeing their erections. So but it was through

1:27:37

like mesh shorts. So everyone had a boner and they didn't

1:27:40

know what to do with it. They're like bro check it

1:27:42

out and like I'd be like dude same.

1:27:45

Yeah. But like that

1:27:47

was the extent of it but it's extreme. It's

1:27:49

very. And then what happened. I think

1:27:51

we just porned out for a little bit and

1:27:53

then bounced when you say porned

1:27:55

out. It's just why we're

1:27:57

just casually watching. I expect. He

1:40:00

said, oops, sorry, wrong person. I

1:40:05

said, dude, we've been best friends

1:40:07

for 20 years. Who the fuck is the right person? I

1:40:11

got another buddy of mine who accidentally sent his mom

1:40:13

a dick pic. She texted

1:40:15

him right back and said, it's nice to know that nothing has changed

1:40:17

since you were a baby. My wife texted

1:40:19

me a couple weeks ago. She

1:40:21

says, hey, what's for dinner? Me thinking it would be funny. I sent

1:40:24

her a dick pic. It was

1:40:26

not funny. She texted me back. She says, oh,

1:40:28

great, leftovers. Me thinking I'd make it a little

1:40:31

funnier. I said, well, then, bitch,

1:40:33

send me a picture of your pussy. It didn't get

1:40:35

any funnier. She sent me

1:40:37

back a picture of me, guys.

1:40:39

I'm like, Cohen, you guys been great. Thank

1:40:42

you so much. Wow, exactly a minute. Jokes

1:40:46

throughout. Saved

1:40:48

himself from asking a question from

1:40:50

the opening position by continuing the

1:40:52

joke quickly. That

1:40:55

was great. Thank you. I think

1:40:57

texting ruins relationships when you agree. And then, boom,

1:40:59

you attack before anybody could heckle you, which was

1:41:01

a lesson learned earlier in the show from somebody.

1:41:05

You didn't leave enough space for people to actually answer your

1:41:07

question. I learned that lesson the hard way. That's

1:41:10

right. So why does it seem like you

1:41:12

just left your wife and kids in the car to do

1:41:14

stand-up comedy? It's

1:41:17

the vibe that I'm getting from you. It's literally

1:41:19

like you're in a hurry right now. She's going to be mad at you.

1:41:23

The kids are hopping around. She's going to be

1:41:25

mad at you. The kids are hungry. You're a

1:41:27

Costco guy? I definitely left him

1:41:29

at home, but home's in Atlanta, so... Okay.

1:41:31

Have you been on this show before? No, no, no,

1:41:33

never. Okay. We met in Atlanta

1:41:35

after your special taping. Okay,

1:41:38

that makes sense. I met people.

1:41:40

Yeah, no. All right. So, Mike,

1:41:43

how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost

1:41:45

three years. All right. And all of it's in Atlanta?

1:41:47

Most of it, yeah. I've done a little bit in

1:41:49

Orlando and a couple other places, but

1:41:51

nothing crazy. Don't get too many opportunities, so I

1:41:53

do it as often as I can. What do you do for

1:41:55

a living? I am a brand

1:41:57

manager for an automotive paint company. Okay.

1:42:00

I run a brand of products for

1:42:02

a automotive paint company. Automotive paint? Yep.

1:42:05

Earl Scheib? No, no, no, no, a

1:42:07

distributor. We sell the paint to the end users,

1:42:09

the body shops, collision centers. Earl

1:42:11

Scheib doesn't barely exist anymore. Well, I

1:42:13

mean, that's what you think, but. Well,

1:42:15

yeah. That's Red Band and I exclusively

1:42:17

use Earl Scheib. We use the promo

1:42:20

code killtoni and we save 20% on

1:42:23

our auto body paint. You know, this is

1:42:25

a pretty chill episode of the show. I would

1:42:27

say this is like a routine taping, but I

1:42:29

will say this has got to be one of

1:42:32

our most profitable episodes. Without

1:42:34

a doubt, I do believe that's our 10th ad

1:42:37

read in the middle of the show. And

1:42:39

we don't, we've never, literally, we've never

1:42:41

used Earl Scheib before. They just owe us money now.

1:42:44

I wouldn't think so. They're

1:42:47

literally not a sponsor, but we will

1:42:49

be sending them an invoice. Now's

1:42:52

the chance they can jump on board.

1:42:54

Hell yeah. Okay, so Mike, how

1:42:56

old are you? Ugh, 45. What

1:43:00

made you start standup at 42? Ugh,

1:43:03

deep depression. What made you

1:43:05

depressed? So I was

1:43:07

dealing with some health issues in my life. Obviously, it

1:43:09

was in the middle of the pandemic and I was

1:43:11

seeing a doctor. She was helping me with some issues.

1:43:13

What were the health issues? Let's talk about it. Well,

1:43:15

number one, I was severely overweight. Not that I'm not

1:43:17

overweight now, but it was even more so overweight then.

1:43:19

I was almost 400 pounds. Right.

1:43:22

So I've dropped about 150 pounds. Thank

1:43:25

you. That's great. Explain to

1:43:27

Redman how you lost the weight. Do

1:43:30

you like peanut colada milk? You gotta do

1:43:32

pushaways. Push away from the table. Okay.

1:43:37

So keep going. Your health issues were that you

1:43:39

were overweight? Yeah, I was overweight and I was

1:43:41

dealing with some pain in my abdomen and they

1:43:43

found that my liver was giving me some issues

1:43:45

and they basically told me that I was

1:43:48

in the beginning stages of liver failure. Were you

1:43:50

drinking a lot? No, not at all. Just from

1:43:52

being super heavy. Non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Whoops.

1:43:56

Ah, but wait,

1:43:59

wait, wait. With good exercise and

1:44:01

a decent diet, you can reverse

1:44:03

a lot of that stuff. Whoopsies

1:44:05

has been caught on the field.

1:44:08

Unbelievable. Amazing.

1:44:11

So was there something that you were

1:44:13

consuming that was affecting your liver? That's

1:44:15

so interesting to me, that just normal

1:44:18

fat guy liver failure. You know, once

1:44:20

I started cutting out carbohydrates and just

1:44:22

really focusing on a protein-based diet, like

1:44:24

it really cleaned a ton of things

1:44:26

up for me. Right. I don't want

1:44:28

to be cliche, but listening to different

1:44:30

podcasts and crap like that and learning

1:44:32

about carnivore and different things. Rogue. I

1:44:34

made it. Yeah, absolutely. It's OK.

1:44:36

Just throw it out there. And then you

1:44:38

saw Bert Kreischer do stand-up, and you're like, I can do

1:44:41

that. Yeah. Absolutely. Definitely inspiring

1:44:43

there, I guess. No. No,

1:44:46

it was always a dream of mine, and I

1:44:48

never really had the balls to pursue it. And

1:44:50

when my doctor told me that my days were

1:44:52

numbered, I was like, my wife looked

1:44:54

at me, and she supports this. She's 100% behind

1:44:56

me. She's like,

1:44:58

you've got nothing to lose. If you're going

1:45:00

to go out, go out doing something you

1:45:02

enjoy. So I went all in on it.

1:45:05

My wife's amazing. Wow. How cool is she?

1:45:07

She's amazing. That's amazing. I can't say enough.

1:45:09

We have two. We have two. Two. How old are

1:45:12

they? Two little life suckers. Yeah.

1:45:14

20 and 15. So I got

1:45:16

almost adults. Whoa. Yeah. You're almost in the

1:45:18

clear. Almost. I

1:45:20

don't know if we're in the clear or not. One's

1:45:22

in college, and they are fucking draining me. In what

1:45:24

way? Financially. Yeah.

1:45:26

You're paying for it. Yeah. College is expensive. Because they

1:45:28

go to college, and they all of a sudden have

1:45:30

a new gender, so you have to get them to

1:45:33

their clothes. No, thank god.

1:45:35

He's not dealing with any of the gender issues.

1:45:37

Give us a ballpark. I'm curious. How much does

1:45:39

college cost? So right now, I think we're at

1:45:41

about $30,000 a year. Jesus

1:45:43

Christ. We're two years in, and we got

1:45:45

at least three more with him. And

1:45:48

the minute he graduates, my daughter goes in. So

1:45:50

it's a never-ending life suck. Why

1:45:52

did you push college so much? I did not, actually.

1:45:56

Trust me, I have zero education. I'm

1:45:59

basically. a retard with an ability to paint

1:46:01

cars. That's it. Right. No,

1:46:04

I actually sat my son down and I said, look, dude,

1:46:06

if you're gonna go to college, you have to answer two

1:46:08

questions. One is, whatever I'm gonna pursue,

1:46:11

is it gonna light my soul on fire every

1:46:13

day? And two, is it gonna fix the world's

1:46:15

problem of something? If you can answer those questions,

1:46:17

go to school. And that's what

1:46:19

he did. What were his answers? Well,

1:46:22

I'm still working on that, but... Ha ha ha ha ha

1:46:24

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

1:46:26

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

1:46:28

ha ha ha He chose to go into mechanical engineering and

1:46:30

he's considering a minor in nuclear engineering as well. That's cool.

1:46:32

Yeah, no, it's great. Wow. I'm blessed

1:46:34

because both of my kids are absolutely frickin' brilliant

1:46:36

and I look at my wife and go, where

1:46:39

the fuck did they get it? Right.

1:46:41

You know, we're not below average, but

1:46:44

we're right at average as far as intelligence

1:46:46

goes, you know? We're

1:46:49

just average people and I've got

1:46:51

these two brainiacs for kids. Yeah,

1:46:53

amazing. Little nerds. Let's skip a

1:46:55

generation or something. Yeah,

1:46:57

Mike, what do you like to do for fun other than

1:46:59

stand-up comedy? Man, my wife keeps

1:47:02

me so busy with bullshit around the house.

1:47:04

We... Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

1:47:07

I like to do whatever the fuck my wife tells me

1:47:09

to do. How about that? Amazing. Amazing.

1:47:12

We have a small little farm there in South...

1:47:14

I don't actually live in Atlanta. I live in

1:47:17

a little town called Noonan, Georgia, which is just

1:47:19

south of Atlanta. Noonan. Noonan. Great

1:47:21

little city. Amazing family city. We're

1:47:23

not from there, we relocated there from

1:47:25

South Florida. Right. We bought five

1:47:27

and a half acres, we've got a bunch of animals.

1:47:29

My wife, Jesus Christ, she got

1:47:31

into this middle-aged white chicken woman crap

1:47:33

now. We started with eight chickens, we have like

1:47:35

70 chickens now. Wow. Yeah,

1:47:37

so she's got like a little small-scale

1:47:40

chicken farm going and... We

1:47:42

got a gaggle of dogs, turtles, lizards, you name it. We

1:47:44

got all sorts of shit. Look at that, yeah, we met

1:47:46

a guy earlier that lives in an apartment

1:47:48

with all of those. No.

1:47:53

Do you still fuck your wife? Well,

1:47:56

you know, after 23 years, I get what I

1:47:58

call, that'll shut them up pussy. How

1:48:00

often does that happen? Oh, you know, as

1:48:02

long as it's on her schedule once every couple

1:48:05

weeks. Once every couple weeks. Gotta check the

1:48:07

calendar though, Tony. And like, so that sounds

1:48:09

like hell. Um, so like,

1:48:11

when, so she just like, all right,

1:48:13

you can fuck me. So what happens?

1:48:17

Did you come home and she's like in like weird

1:48:19

lingerie or something? Like how do you know when it's

1:48:21

that time? I wish she was listening right now. Maybe

1:48:23

it happens when I get home. She definitely will listen

1:48:25

to this because you're going to be like, holy shit,

1:48:27

babe, I got pulled. You're letting me live my dreams.

1:48:30

But, and that's okay. You've

1:48:32

been honest this far through the interview. It's

1:48:34

funny how much she scares the life out

1:48:36

of you. Yeah. You literally talk

1:48:38

shit about your own children that you love and that you

1:48:41

think are brilliant. I say, how do you know when your

1:48:43

wife wants to fuck? You're like, well, Tony, I think I

1:48:45

got to go. She

1:48:48

might watch this. We want to

1:48:51

know. I don't know what it's like to fucking, you

1:48:53

know, she'll start to little spoon up to you

1:48:55

or whatever. She'll start, you know, trying to, okay.

1:48:59

She'll give you the sign. Yeah. She'll

1:49:01

back it up or, or wake you up. I don't know. One

1:49:03

or the other. Yeah,

1:49:06

absolutely. Oh my goodness. It's all days

1:49:08

with chickens and then she wants your

1:49:10

pecker. Like I said,

1:49:12

not often. Okay. Right.

1:49:15

Okay. Do you still, uh,

1:49:17

blow loads inside of her? More

1:49:20

so now than ever because she's had a

1:49:22

hysterectomy. So it's, oh, hell yeah. It

1:49:25

is risk-free nutting. The Latina women approve

1:49:27

of that. Uh, incredible watching

1:49:29

what Mexican women class foreign give

1:49:31

thumbs down to in this type

1:49:33

of show. They

1:49:36

love hot loads. These Mexican women.

1:49:38

It's incredible. They take it right

1:49:40

down the old horchata highway. It's

1:49:42

incredible. Absolutely amazing. Um,

1:49:45

not loads of laundry or

1:49:49

loads of asphalt. Right. There you

1:49:51

go. There you go. Okay.

1:49:55

Mike, uh,

1:49:58

you have to go back to Atlanta tomorrow. Technically,

1:50:01

yeah, I have a job I have to get back

1:50:03

to, but man, I'd love to not have to. That's

1:50:05

for damn sure. Well, you do, you do have to

1:50:07

get back to your job. This

1:50:09

is a big joke book, though. Thank you so much. That's

1:50:11

as good as life gets right there for a guy like

1:50:14

you, Mike Cohen, ladies and gentlemen. Mike,

1:50:16

congratulations, I love it. You're

1:50:19

living your dream, dude, great stuff.

1:50:22

Mike Cohen. It's

1:50:25

a fun episode, I like it. There's

1:50:28

a lot of good lessons, a lot

1:50:30

of wild examples, a lot of bombs,

1:50:32

a lot of fun. It's kind of

1:50:34

emotional. It is, it's more like one

1:50:36

of those, like, you

1:50:39

know, real stand-up

1:50:41

fans are gonna love this episode. I think

1:50:43

so too. And there's only one way to

1:50:45

end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen.

1:50:48

I present to you, Hall of Famer,

1:50:50

the record holder for all time appearances

1:50:52

on this show, all time

1:50:54

interviews on the show. He's been

1:50:57

called a great many

1:50:59

names. The Tijuana

1:51:01

Tarantula, the Vanilla

1:51:03

Gorilla, the

1:51:06

Dane from Des Moines, the

1:51:09

Redhead Robitussin revolver

1:51:13

from Raleigh. Yes.

1:51:16

Carrot Bottom. Yes, Carrot

1:51:18

Bottom. He's

1:51:22

been called many things. He's a

1:51:24

couple weeks out from his appearance

1:51:26

on the Olympics where he painted

1:51:28

himself blue. It was highly controversial.

1:51:31

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one

1:51:34

of the greatest regulars in the history of the

1:51:36

show and a full-blown unbelievable

1:51:39

comedian and a great human

1:51:41

being. The man needs

1:51:44

no introduction, yet

1:51:46

his gets longer every week. I

1:51:49

present to you the Big Red

1:51:51

Machine, William Montgomery. I'm

1:52:05

boycotting the Olympics until

1:52:07

they bring back the

1:52:09

three-wheeler race. If

1:52:13

musical chairs was an Olympic

1:52:15

competition, I'd still do steroids.

1:52:19

And by the way, anybody talking shit

1:52:21

about steroids hasn't felt the rush of

1:52:23

feeling your balls shrink in real time.

1:52:26

And also I was thinking that dude's kids probably aren't

1:52:28

that smart. That guy seemed like a dumb ass kind

1:52:30

of, I'm sure as fuck it, he was lying about

1:52:33

his stupid kids. I'm

1:52:35

thinking about getting the Olympic rings tattooed

1:52:37

on my butt, so if you get

1:52:39

a chance to see it, you'll be

1:52:41

like, oh, you competed in the Olympics.

1:52:43

And I'll be like, ask my pimp

1:52:45

after you pay him. I

1:52:50

remember watching the Summer Olympics as a

1:52:52

kid and it'd be wrestling and I'd

1:52:54

see the American walk out and I

1:52:56

would wonder to myself, where is Hulk

1:52:58

Hogan? Does our Olympic committee not watch

1:53:00

television? Okay,

1:53:03

that's my time. Thank you. 59

1:53:06

seconds from

1:53:08

the Golden Goat. What

1:53:14

did you call me? You called me Kirito

1:53:17

Bada? Or what did you say? That's

1:53:20

funny. Don't

1:53:24

come at me, bitch, with stupid shit like that.

1:53:26

If you're gonna fucking come at me, bitch. Why

1:53:28

don't I tell you about being mean to me?

1:53:30

Come at me with some better shit. My

1:53:34

fucking parents are here, bitch! That's

1:53:37

right. Don't make fun of me

1:53:39

in front of my fucking parents. It was my dad's

1:53:41

birthday yesterday, it was Red Band's birthday yesterday. Your

1:53:44

parents are here. Where are they at tonight? They're

1:53:46

up in the balcony tonight. Yeah,

1:53:49

they're here tonight. They can't

1:53:51

make it to Madison Square Gardens, but

1:53:53

they're here tonight. It's just

1:53:56

garden. It's the

1:53:58

garden. It's not plural. It's

1:54:00

not actual outdoor gardens, William.

1:54:02

It's the most famous arena

1:54:04

in the world, which

1:54:06

by the way, takes the reputation very seriously.

1:54:08

You cannot make fun of the venue. I

1:54:11

haven't gotten a chance to tell you this,

1:54:14

but literally it is a rule. You

1:54:17

cannot say anything. You cannot

1:54:19

say anything. Well,

1:54:22

they fucking try me, dude. I've been

1:54:24

in a weird real fucking mood recently.

1:54:27

They better fucking try my ass, dude.

1:54:29

They better not. Starting

1:54:31

now, you can't make fun of Madison

1:54:33

Square. Square Gardens. It's

1:54:35

William. Madison

1:54:38

Square Gardens. Yeah, they can't go to Madison Square.

1:54:40

They can't go, so it's really sad. But they

1:54:43

came here today, and it's been a lot of

1:54:45

fun. You guys up there? Where

1:54:47

are they at? Why don't you guys come down here,

1:54:49

say hello to this crowd real quick. They're

1:54:52

legends of the show. Come on down

1:54:55

here. We'll

1:54:57

chat a little bit while they come. You

1:55:00

can turn the house lights down. We'll chat with William while

1:55:02

they make their way down here. It's a little bit of

1:55:04

a trip. So

1:55:06

what's been going on, Billy? My eye, Tony.

1:55:08

I think I have pink eye really bad

1:55:10

or something. My eye has been itching so

1:55:12

bad. I've been rubbing it on everything, on

1:55:14

the doorknobs. I've been fucking, again, I feel

1:55:16

fucking really bad. You've been scratching your eye

1:55:19

against doorknobs? Yes, and touching stuff. It does

1:55:21

kind of look like you have pink eye

1:55:23

now that you mention it. Yeah, no, I

1:55:25

do. I'm very sick. I got sick last

1:55:27

week after Kill Tony, and I've literally, I've

1:55:29

been real sick all week. And I have

1:55:31

pink eye and- What are some of your

1:55:33

symptoms? Give the people in the front row

1:55:35

a chance to understand exactly what your symptoms

1:55:38

are. I have something called squirts. It's where

1:55:41

you get on the toilet and it's not like a

1:55:43

saw thing that come out. It's just like a squirt.

1:55:45

And you have to really hold your sphincter. You have

1:55:47

to hold it so tight when it starts squirting out

1:55:49

of there. Because if it starts squirting too

1:55:52

hard, all the shit comes up on your

1:55:54

butt. And it's the squirt stuff gets

1:55:56

everywhere on the toilet. But yeah, so you

1:55:59

gotta be- Careful about that. But yeah,

1:56:01

I've been squirting out of My

1:56:04

blood and fucking eating fucking I'm

1:56:06

I'm doing by the way, I'm

1:56:08

fucking sick of all brain buds

1:56:10

I'm over that shit. It was

1:56:12

making me Doo-doo too

1:56:14

good. I think and it's like it's a

1:56:16

nightmare. I'm not doing that. I'm sick of

1:56:18

fucking squirting I'm should have do doing I'm

1:56:20

not fucking doing any of it anymore Tony

1:56:23

I'm sure how did you have the squirts

1:56:25

before? The pink eye or

1:56:27

did you have the pink eye and then

1:56:29

got the school school? I think I by

1:56:31

the way, yes, I think I really literally

1:56:33

a pink eye right now I know the

1:56:35

only person that's not going to get it.

1:56:37

I do believe is D madness. I don't

1:56:39

think he can get it. I Think

1:56:43

he's immune to pink eye. Oh, yeah, there's no

1:56:45

doubt he can't get pink eye right D. Have

1:56:48

you ever had pink eye? No,

1:56:52

there you go. Perfect. It's

1:56:54

like how you know I

1:56:56

don't think blind people have eyeballs. Do you have

1:56:59

eyeballs? That's an interesting

1:57:01

question. I Don't

1:57:03

know Okay,

1:57:06

they exist he sounds a penny Oh Missus

1:57:10

Montgomery mister

1:57:13

Montgomery former guests of the

1:57:16

show legends in the

1:57:18

show's history Come

1:57:20

on in Hello, so good

1:57:22

to see you. I've missed you so

1:57:24

much. I'm sorry. I didn't get to

1:57:26

hang out this weekend Happy birthday to

1:57:28

you, sir Absolutely

1:57:31

the great Larry

1:57:33

and Francis are here Larry say

1:57:35

some say some things This is

1:57:37

what literally where William his entire

1:57:39

character and everything that he is

1:57:41

he gets from him his all

1:57:43

the kids Talk like Larry. They

1:57:46

all say the same types of things. They

1:57:48

have the same delivery Believe

1:57:51

it or not. This is the true

1:57:53

Montgomery that started at all Larry has

1:57:55

a coin It's

1:57:57

going well. Thank you I

1:58:00

was walking down the aisle and I heard

1:58:02

my son talking about doo-doo. Yeah. Which

1:58:05

he does a lot. Yeah.

1:58:07

I got, for my 68th

1:58:10

birthday, I got some knuckle tattoos

1:58:12

too. Yeah, what do yours say? It

1:58:14

says, my knee hurts and

1:58:17

I gotta go TT. That

1:58:25

is incredible. I've already TT'd four

1:58:27

times during the show. Amazing.

1:58:32

But this seriously has been one of the

1:58:34

best shows in a long time. Oh, you

1:58:36

love it. Seriously. Yeah. No,

1:58:40

the bucket pools have all been great

1:58:42

and you've done wonderfully. Yeah. Well,

1:58:46

your son just called me a bitch, so you can't fix

1:58:48

that now. I'm sorry. I

1:58:51

apologize. Yeah. So

1:58:54

Larry, did you do anything special for your birthday

1:58:56

or anything? We

1:58:59

went out to dinner and on this

1:59:01

visit, William, he's

1:59:04

30, what are you, 38? Thirty-seven now. Whatever.

1:59:09

He's, he's however old he is. He

1:59:11

has bought our dinner three nights in

1:59:13

a row. Wow. Wow.

1:59:19

First time in 37 years, Tony. Things

1:59:21

are looking up. That is incredible. And

1:59:23

I swear I'm going to be nice

1:59:25

to Madison Square Gardens. I swear I'm

1:59:27

going to be sweet about that. William

1:59:29

is a notorious miser behind the scenes.

1:59:32

Very, very thrifty. Ridiculously

1:59:38

to an unbelievable extreme. And

1:59:41

today was a fun day for me in the stock market. I

1:59:43

lost $60,000 in the stock market today. So

1:59:46

I really got to be frugal now. Oh my God.

1:59:50

Little scary. I'm not kidding. He's going

1:59:52

to be sending. I'm really not. He's

1:59:54

going to be sending you some invoices

1:59:56

for those dinners. Yeah. Yeah.

2:00:00

I'm glad I got those in. Yeah. So

2:00:02

you guys can't make it to Madison Square Garden,

2:00:04

huh? What's going on? What in the

2:00:07

world could possibly be bigger than watching your son,

2:00:09

one of the biggest stars in the history of

2:00:11

the show, perform at the most- Ah, great! Yeah,

2:00:14

what's going on, Larry? I've

2:00:16

got to work for a living. You

2:00:18

got to work on Friday and Saturday nights

2:00:20

this week? Miss Montgomery, I'll

2:00:23

be your date. Oh! Don't

2:00:27

fucking get anywhere near my mom! You're

2:00:30

a red band! Seriously, don't get anywhere

2:00:32

fucking near her. You look as nasty

2:00:34

as ever over there. You fucking... God!

2:00:43

It's so funny to watch a guy

2:00:45

with a completely inflamed eye tell you

2:00:47

you look nastier than ever. Yeah,

2:00:50

it's your number. It's fucked, dude. Yeah.

2:00:53

You have an inflamed eye? Yes. Well,

2:00:56

get the fuck away from me.

2:00:58

Yeah! Absolutely incredible.

2:01:01

Oh my God, they still

2:01:03

got it. For those

2:01:05

of you that haven't watched the episode

2:01:08

where the Montgomery's are the guests, I

2:01:10

implore you to go rewatch it. I

2:01:12

mean, you guys are just absolute natural.

2:01:15

It was such a home felt,

2:01:17

a heartfelt, home-like episode.

2:01:20

It just felt like a Kill

2:01:22

Tony at like a Christmas dinner or

2:01:24

something like that. It was amazing. What

2:01:27

do you think about that episode, William? I loved it. Oh

2:01:30

my gosh, it was one of my favorites. I was

2:01:32

very nervous before my mom stopped eating for a couple

2:01:34

days before that. And that had me nervous. She was

2:01:36

so nervous to get on here and she stopped eating

2:01:38

for days before and it was scaring me. She's making

2:01:40

that up. Huh? What

2:01:44

did you say, Francis? What did you say? He's

2:01:47

making the stuff up. Are you making

2:01:49

stuff up about your mom? No. She

2:01:56

was like a week or something you didn't eat. Larry.

2:02:00

Is your household just always silly

2:02:02

and wild and filled with humor?

2:02:04

We've met the great Selden, who's

2:02:07

made a huge impact here

2:02:09

in Austin, Texas. The boy

2:02:11

is wild. He

2:02:14

is an amped

2:02:17

up version of William from back

2:02:19

in his, you know, kind of

2:02:21

like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But

2:02:23

he also kind of like it seems

2:02:25

like he's learned lessons from Big Brother

2:02:27

over here. Have you helped

2:02:29

Selden in any way since he's moved here to

2:02:31

Austin, Texas? Yeah, we go eat over

2:02:34

at his house. We hang out a good amount.

2:02:36

And I do want to say to any, if

2:02:38

there's any parents out there or whatever, they

2:02:41

were totally, they were the most strict

2:02:43

with me. And cut back to when

2:02:45

I was in high school, I was

2:02:47

railing lines of Xanax. I was fucking

2:02:50

drinking so much Evan Williams whiskey. And I wasn't allowed

2:02:52

to spend the night out. And that was all on

2:02:54

y'all. The other brothers were allowed to spend the night

2:02:56

out. I wasn't allowed to spend the night out. So

2:02:59

I'd have to rip lines of

2:03:01

Xanax and drink fucking Evan Williams

2:03:03

and fucking drive back. Was

2:03:05

there things that you learned that you

2:03:07

changed after you raised William for the

2:03:09

other kids? That's actually a good question.

2:03:16

Well, first of all, everything he just said is

2:03:18

bullshit. I

2:03:21

remember that one night. I remember the one night it

2:03:23

was after a Kiltonian LA. And I was calling people.

2:03:26

It's when I was really lonely. And I was calling

2:03:28

people on the phone. I talked to people till 6

2:03:30

AM. And I called that one guy. And I told

2:03:32

him I was in the underwater cavern system. And then

2:03:34

I get a phone call from one of y'all cell

2:03:36

phones. And it's the woman police officer on the

2:03:39

other end. And I, it is

2:03:41

a true story. And Papa killed me. I

2:03:43

remember you asking me if I was on

2:03:45

mushrooms or something. And I was just railing

2:03:47

lines of cocaine at that moment. I was

2:03:50

just doing. But

2:03:52

it was sweet. You asked if I was on mushrooms.

2:03:57

But no. I was on. Well,

2:03:59

friend. Francis called me on

2:04:01

the phone and said, the police are

2:04:03

at our house, and it's something about

2:04:05

William. And I'm driving

2:04:08

home from work thinking, oh shit,

2:04:10

he's dead, where are we gonna

2:04:12

park the U-Haul in LA? That's...

2:04:22

The street parking was horrible where I was

2:04:24

living in Hollywood. It really was, it was

2:04:26

horrible street parking. Oh

2:04:29

my God. That,

2:04:31

I'm ashamed, but that was my first

2:04:33

thought. Amazing.

2:04:39

And then we got home and

2:04:41

the police said, we,

2:04:43

and this is true, we got a call

2:04:45

from the LA police and

2:04:47

someone has reported that your son is

2:04:49

trapped in a cave. I

2:04:51

don't take a say. Wait,

2:04:55

say that into the mic, what Francis? Here, here.

2:04:59

This is what happened. Yeah. This is

2:05:01

gonna take 40 minutes. It's

2:05:03

good, it's good. Take your time right into the tip of the

2:05:05

mic. I'm at my garden

2:05:07

club thing. Was

2:05:10

it a Madison Square Garden Club? I'm

2:05:12

teaching people how to

2:05:15

propagate begonias. Propagate

2:05:18

begonia. My neighbors call me

2:05:21

and say, there

2:05:24

are all these police cars in front of

2:05:26

your house. And

2:05:28

like, I can't breathe. I

2:05:30

leave my propagation workshop. And

2:05:34

I'm calling Larry on

2:05:36

the phone saying, I

2:05:39

literally couldn't breathe. I'm hysterical. And I

2:05:41

said, I know he's dead. The

2:05:45

police and all of my neighbors

2:05:48

are gawking at us. And like,

2:05:50

it was a nightmare. It was

2:05:52

a total nightmare. And

2:05:54

I round the corner and the

2:05:57

policeman say to me, he is

2:05:59

in the car. this underground cave

2:06:02

in now Tennessee. And I

2:06:04

said, he is a freaking comedian.

2:06:07

And I was relieved because I knew it

2:06:10

was no longer true. It was all

2:06:12

a lie. William, what made

2:06:14

people think that you were in an underground

2:06:16

cave? I called this guy on my phone,

2:06:18

and it was somebody else. I still to

2:06:20

this day do not know who the person

2:06:22

was I talked to. And I was just

2:06:24

telling him that I was trapped in this

2:06:26

underwater cavern system in an air bubble. And

2:06:29

the police get somebody in to help me.

2:06:31

I'm running out of air. I'd

2:06:34

get all coked up and call these

2:06:36

people and like prank phone call everybody.

2:06:39

It was fun. Yeah, this guy really believed

2:06:41

me. I guess I was convincing. And I

2:06:43

was thinking, you idiot, how would a cell

2:06:45

phone work in a fucking underwater air bubble?

2:06:48

You idiot. Why did you call

2:06:51

the fucking police, you

2:06:53

dumb ass? It was

2:06:55

horrible. It really was

2:06:57

horrible. Wow. You interrupted

2:06:59

your mother propagating Patagonias.

2:07:03

Oh, the teacher's awake again. Look at

2:07:05

this bitch. You want some more,

2:07:07

you piece of shit? You're

2:07:10

a mom too. I bet you

2:07:12

are. I bet your kids are fucking hate

2:07:14

you. Special

2:07:18

needs? Oh

2:07:22

my god, you're actually offended. Look at you. You're

2:07:25

looking for something to get mad at. She

2:07:30

doesn't have her period. You're just like this

2:07:32

all the time. You

2:07:34

teach first period. Second

2:07:37

period, she says. Wow, incredible. God, and

2:07:39

your husband's so embarrassed behind your fucking

2:07:41

ass. He really is. He really is.

2:07:44

It is incredible. You could tell he's

2:07:46

a fan of the show. She's

2:07:48

like, I'm going to come here. I can laugh.

2:07:50

I have a good sense of humor. This

2:07:54

guy just wanted to hang out with his

2:07:56

homie, right? That's your buddy with the sunglasses?

2:07:58

Yep. Yeah, you guys are homies. The

2:08:01

ladies wanted to come to. This one handles

2:08:03

it very well. She's been having a blast.

2:08:05

She's cracking up right now, doing the, oh,

2:08:07

don't point me out thing, blocking

2:08:10

off the energy of fucking gobbledygook

2:08:13

over here. She's...

2:08:17

This lady's been a real bitch the whole

2:08:19

episode. I'm just trying to catch up to

2:08:22

Montgomery's to what's going on. Look

2:08:25

at her. Well, I

2:08:27

mean, what can I say that I haven't said a

2:08:29

thousand times before? The Montgomery's are

2:08:32

a part of the DNA, the

2:08:34

legacy of the show. The

2:08:36

only parents to ever be guests

2:08:39

on this show other than my own

2:08:41

mother, Joy Hinchcliffe. You're

2:08:43

the only other two. Your

2:08:46

son's in the Hall of Fame of

2:08:48

Kiltony. He's a fucking theater act now.

2:08:51

He's selling out everywhere he goes. He's

2:08:53

adding shows. He's making vast sums of

2:08:55

money, and he's performing twice, two

2:08:57

different sets of the most famous

2:08:59

arenas in the world this weekend.

2:09:01

Madison Square Garden. Okay,

2:09:07

that's William Montgomery. That's

2:09:10

Larry Montgomery, and that's Francis Montgomery.

2:09:13

Make some noise for the Montgomery's. Make some noise

2:09:19

for the great Whitney Cummings, ladies

2:09:21

and gentlemen. Whitney, plug something. Talk about your podcast

2:09:23

or your tour dates or something. I love you

2:09:25

guys. I have a much less

2:09:27

popular podcast, and I'm going to be

2:09:29

performing in Austin. Cam's going to be with me,

2:09:31

I guess. Now, on September 6,

2:09:33

I'll be at Austin City Limits. September

2:09:35

6, ACL Live. Oh,

2:09:38

that's a great theater. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amazing.

2:09:41

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in

2:09:43

of tonight's episode, The Great

2:09:45

Whitney Cummings, and thank

2:09:47

you HelloFresh. Thank you Squarespace. One more time for

2:09:49

the best stand band in the land, everybody.

2:09:53

Grooveline Horns. Joining

2:09:55

us today, everybody is going to be at MSG,

2:09:58

the great Michael Gonzalez. Matt

2:10:00

Muehling, D Madness, and John

2:10:02

Beese, who's been a true,

2:10:05

unbelievable leader of this band

2:10:07

since our first episode ever

2:10:10

in Austin, Texas. The

2:10:12

man, the myth, the legend. Feels like just

2:10:14

yesterday I remember meeting you. He

2:10:16

had full-blown COVID and we had a meeting and

2:10:19

he didn't delay it or cancel it. We sat

2:10:21

right next to each other and I realized later

2:10:23

that he had COVID. Feels like

2:10:25

just yesterday. Um,

2:10:29

uh, we love you guys. You guys have fun tonight?

2:10:33

We love you. God bless America. Thank you.

2:10:36

Good night, everybody. The

2:11:46

Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas

2:11:48

is now open. Check out

2:11:51

Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go

2:11:54

to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

2:12:30

Thank you. Thank

2:13:00

you. Thank

2:13:30

you.