0:01

Welcome to Scamtown! It's a

0:03

place where the true crime

0:05

is stranger than fiction, and

0:07

the stories are filled with

0:09

quirks and moral ambiguity. From

0:11

James Lee, Hernandez, and Brian

0:13

Luzarte, the filmmakers behind McMillions

0:16

and the Big Con, Scamtown

0:18

takes you through stories ranging

0:20

from the strange to the

0:22

unbelievable. Wild scams, surprising heists,

0:24

forbidden love, and massive explosions

0:27

are just a little taste of what's in

0:29

store. Scamtown is an Apple Original podcast produced

0:32

by Fun Meter. Follow and listen

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on Apple Podcasts. Starbucks

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iced apple crisp oat milk shake

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and espresso, made with

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blonde espresso, creamy oat milk, and

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spiced apple flavors. It's a

0:46

nice crisp sip you can enjoy all autumn

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long. Order ahead on the Starbucks app. Hey

0:53

everyone, this is host Scott Ockerman

0:55

welcoming you to this week's Bonus

0:58

Bang! This is

1:00

episode four in our Going Ham

1:02

series, which are featuring episodes that

1:04

had our good friend John Hamm

1:06

from Mad Men, amongst

1:09

other things. I believe a double Emmy nominated. I

1:14

believe the Emmys already gave

1:18

him one or didn't give him

1:20

one. Now that I'm realizing when

1:22

this comes out. Good luck to him

1:24

though. This week's episode

1:27

is number 540. It's called Low

1:29

Five. It was released April 8th, 2018.

1:34

It features John Hamm and myself, and

1:36

we're joined by Paul F. Tompkins as

1:38

Al A. Peterson, Jessica McKenna

1:40

as Park Ranger Marjorie Kershaw,

1:42

and Zacharino as Pokemon Trainer

1:45

Dash Grabham. Now if

1:47

you like what you hear and you want

1:49

to hear the entire CBB Archive, you can

1:51

become a subscriber at cbbworld.com where you can

1:53

find every episode we've ever recorded, as well

1:55

as every single live episode. We're gonna be

1:58

back Monday with a new episode of... of comedy

2:00

bang bang until then enjoy

2:02

this bonus bang. She

2:05

is a dogger in the streets and a

2:07

logger in the sheets and by that I

2:09

mean she's a werewolf

2:33

who shits the bed. Welcome

2:35

to comedy bang bang that

2:38

Colfax McLiverneck returns to doing

2:40

our cast phrases. Welcome back. Comedy

2:43

bang bang for another week. This is exciting.

2:45

April, these are no

2:47

April fools for this show. We have an

2:50

exciting show. Scott Aucherman, I am your host.

2:52

Coming up we have from

2:54

movies and television actor John

2:56

Hamm, will

3:01

be here. Actor John Hamm. Actor

3:03

John. Actor John. Actor John Hamm.

3:05

Oh he is here. Yes, actor

3:07

John Hamm. Do you know by

3:09

the way? A terrible first name.

3:11

What was his name? Something, Justin

3:13

Actor? Do you know Justin Actor?

3:15

No. Okay. He's a great actor.

3:17

I think we all know Justin

3:19

Actor. So

3:22

John is here. Welcome back to the show.

3:24

Oh it's so nice to be here. New

3:26

film Beirut's coming out this Friday. Yes. It

3:28

will be coming out. It will be seen.

3:30

Yes. It will be enjoyed. People's

3:35

eye receptacles will be. They're going

3:37

to be filled with

3:39

the sights and sounds of a political thriller

3:41

set in the 70s. Would you suggest that

3:43

people. The 1870s. The 1870s really. In

3:47

Beirut. Really? No it wasn't a city state. Really? Or

3:50

part of Lebanon. Wait a minute. I'm looking at the

3:52

poster here and you're wearing sunglasses. Well you're right then.

3:54

I'm sorry. It was it's in the 1970s. Oh it's

3:56

in the 1970s. I was confused. By the way. Okay,

4:00

is sunglasses on a poster, does that automatically

4:02

mean the 1970s? Probably.

4:05

Like the poster for vinyl, do you remember that television

4:07

show? There were definitely sunglasses. I

4:09

believe that was Bobby Cannavale with sunglasses

4:11

on. Just with the big sepia toned

4:13

set of sunglasses. Yeah. Um,

4:16

do you think it would be a great way to watch

4:18

a movie reflected in someone's

4:20

sunglasses? No. Okay. I

4:23

think it would be a terrible way to watch. A, it would be backwards.

4:25

That's true. If you had subtitles, you would have to read them backwards

4:27

and you can't. That's true. You can do that

4:29

except for Leonardo da Vinci. I

4:33

think he can read subtitles backwards and sunglasses.

4:36

It's a shame that he was not around

4:38

to see movies with subtitles. I think he

4:40

might've invented sunglasses though. Really? Well,

4:42

da Vinci invented the helicopter. Did he invent

4:44

UV protection? The elevator. He invented

4:46

ultraviolet protection. Well, at least he knew it

4:49

was bad for you. Right.

4:51

So he knew sunglasses were bad for you.

4:53

No, that ultraviolet radiation was bad for you.

4:55

But he invented sunglasses without UV protection. It

4:58

was difficult. It was a course Renaissance Italy.

5:00

Remember all those years you wore sunglasses without

5:03

UV protection? Remember all those years you wore

5:05

sunglasses and didn't watch people's movies in them?

5:08

Remember those years? But now everything is

5:10

different. You can do it. What

5:12

if someone were to watch Beirut on a phone

5:14

reflected in someone's sunglasses? Would that be a good

5:16

way to watch it? I think it would break

5:18

the internet. Have

5:22

you ever broken the internet by the way? Just

5:24

when Kim Kardashian put that thing on her

5:26

tushy. Yeah. It

5:28

just broke my screen. Yeah, no. I've

5:30

never broken the... I'd love to break the internet. I

5:33

wish the internet would break and go away. Well,

5:35

then this podcast would not exist and I think

5:38

the price would be too high. To be fair,

5:40

I think we... This one, we're safe. This

5:43

part of the internet, this corner, the

5:45

CBB, the earwolf corner. This

5:47

is okay. That would be the

5:49

one corner you would keep. We would keep that corner. Okay,

5:51

just keep that corner. Let's keep the sensible, funny,

5:55

nice, friendly, fun corners.

5:58

But, you know, there can't just be one. one corner

6:00

of something, you need at least three corners if you're

6:02

in a pyramid, you know? You're

6:05

right. All right. So what other corners of the, keep

6:07

the porn? Okay, porn and comedy bang bang universe. Then

6:09

that's two, that's two. Two points establish a line, that's

6:11

all we need. The internet is a series. Can you

6:13

have two corners? I mean, maybe if it were, no,

6:15

I mean, I don't think you- I guess not. You're,

6:18

you're- You need at least three. Hold on. I

6:20

guess it's establishing- Yeah, you need three. We need one more

6:23

corner. I think just having a corner, you make another corner.

6:25

Yeah. What's the third corner?

6:27

Third corner, um. I'm gonna say iBooks.

6:30

So all books or just books that are

6:32

in the iBook format? Well, yeah,

6:35

or eBooks. What's the right word? What's the right-

6:37

eBooks probably audible.com is a sponsor occasion. Just

6:39

audible. You just keep audible. What about, but

6:41

you may need Squarespace in

6:44

order to make websites. Right, you know.

6:46

Yeah, so well, the four corners. Let's

6:48

keep the four. Let's keep the four.

6:50

Audible, Squarespace. Porn and comedy bang bang.

6:52

Then again, legalzoom.com. Son of a gun.

6:55

Now we're in a whole pentagon. We're in a pentagon, but

6:57

that's okay. I like being in a pentagon. You

6:59

ever visited the pentagon? These are good questions,

7:02

right? I have never been to the pentagon.

7:04

You've never been there. I've seen it. I've

7:06

driven by it. It's imposing. It's uh, you

7:09

never know what side you're on. You know what I

7:11

mean? You're like, I think I'm on the front side.

7:13

And then you're like, oh no, I'm- Or is it

7:15

the back? Yeah, I don't know. Is there a front

7:17

or back of a pentagon? I think it'd be interesting

7:20

if this- The point has to be the front. The

7:22

Staples Center were a pentagon. I think that would be

7:24

cool. There's no- There should be more pentagons. There should

7:26

be more pentagon buildings. It is a great, cause you're

7:28

right. What's the point? Literally. Literally.

7:31

And there should be more pyramid hotels like

7:33

the Luxor. The Luxor. Like they make the

7:35

Luxor, and then everyone is like, this- For

7:37

a half second, everyone's like, this is amazing.

7:39

This place rules. And then they realize like

7:41

staying in a pyramid is probably not fun.

7:43

Also probably- Because literally you're kind of leaning

7:45

at an angle. Probably a waste of space

7:47

too. So much wasted space. Like the air

7:49

rights to that. It's terrible. But

7:53

at the Luxor, is there one room

7:55

at the very top? That's

7:57

a missed opportunity. I

8:00

would love to stay there. If you're listening, if

8:02

the Luxor people are listening. David and Louise Luxor,

8:04

if you're listening. John and I want to take

8:06

a trip to Las Vegas. We- On you. On

8:09

you, we only need it for seven nights. That's

8:11

all we need it. Only a week. Only a

8:13

week, one week. There's 52 of them in a

8:15

year. Yeah. Deal with it. Yeah, 51

8:17

other weeks. You get- That you can sell this room.

8:20

12 feet of hilarity.

8:22

Yes. To stay in the- I'm

8:24

six two, what are you, five? I'm six, you're not six two,

8:26

you're taller than me. I am six two. Wait,

8:29

you're six two? I'm six two and a half. Fair enough. You're

8:32

taller than me. So, okay. So we just- Well

8:34

over 12 feet. 12 feet, four and a half inches.

8:37

Yeah, 12 and a half feet. 12 and a half feet,

8:39

or 12 and a third feet. Fine. Of-

8:42

Of hilarity. Of hilarity, entertainment,

8:44

interest, and marginal ridiculousness.

8:47

We're gonna need to- We're gonna need-

8:49

To all the shows. All of them.

8:51

Not just the Luxor shows. We want

8:53

all the Cirque du Soleil's. We want

8:55

love. And all we want, really,

8:57

is to stay in the point. We

9:00

want to stay in the point. We want to get on each other's

9:02

shoulders, see if we can touch the tip. Touch the top. That's

9:06

all we want, and we need seven days to do it.

9:08

Why won't you let us touch the tip, Luxor? Come on,

9:10

Luxor. Tell

9:13

us about Beirut. Beirut is a story that

9:16

takes place in the 70s and the 80s. And

9:19

it's about, it's a serious

9:21

movie, which is, it's

9:24

kind of nice because it doesn't, it's

9:26

fiction, but it takes place in this

9:29

kind of- It takes place on Earth. It takes

9:31

place on Earth. So that's real. Yeah, that's what

9:33

it's real, but it's fictional. It's a fictional story.

9:35

So it takes on true events, but didn't- It

9:38

takes place on Earth, and this is an Earth

9:40

with trees and seas and the same seven continents.

9:44

Trees and seas. Trees and seas. It's

9:46

not on Pangea. Sure. It's

9:49

basically about what went wrong, how it

9:51

started to go wrong in the Middle

9:54

East. What we kind of

9:56

messed up. So this is the tipping point.

9:58

The tipping point of where- The

10:00

PLO started to gain power and

10:02

Israel started to sort

10:05

of dominate in the region

10:07

and what the US did and did

10:09

not do correctly. My

10:11

character is kind of a

10:13

conflict negotiator who gets

10:16

assigned there to sort of figure

10:19

it out and does it with

10:22

varying degrees of success. So

10:24

in some scenes you're really successful and

10:27

you high five everyone in the scene. A million

10:29

high fives. And then other scenes you're like dang

10:31

I did not do that well. You know what

10:33

happens? Low fives. Low

10:36

fives. Yes. What if low

10:38

fives were whenever you failed you're like alright

10:40

everyone low five. Well sorry guys let's low

10:43

five this out and try to do better next time. I

10:47

heard that anytime you pass a tree or

10:50

a sea in

10:52

the movie you say oh look at that. Is

10:54

that true? In Beirut? Yes. You'll

10:58

notice it and it's a fun Easter egg. I think

11:00

it's fun for the fans. It's good for the fans.

11:02

There's so many Middle Eastern fans of the genre. Middle

11:06

Eastern movies or movies named after

11:08

Middle Eastern places. What

11:10

are these movies named after Middle Eastern

11:12

places? Well there's obviously Romajeh Israel Esquire.

11:14

Esquire of course. We all

11:17

know the area of Romajeh Israel Esquire.

11:19

And there's Beirut and I think there's

11:22

the wonderful movie Egyptian

11:24

Times. Egyptian Times yes. And the Prince of

11:27

Egypt. Prince of Persia. Prince

11:29

of Egypt I think is a thing though. But Prince

11:31

of Persia. Well it's definitely a thing. Jake Gyllenhaal played

11:34

a Persian. But Prince isn't Prince of Egypt a Dreamworks

11:36

animated film? Sure. Thank

11:39

you very much we can't agree. We can

11:41

all go around. It seems like it's a

11:43

mistake though to put out two films called

11:45

Prince of Persia and Egypt. Well

11:47

it seems like they're definitely stepping on each other's

11:50

toes. That's true. Speaking of stepping on each other's.

11:52

By the way a delightful soft shoe with a

11:54

curly tip. That's true. Did

11:56

you know that? The wooden shoe they call it. Of

11:58

course. Of course. It seems like

12:01

Aladdin, a lot like Michael Jordan, should have had

12:03

his own line of shoes after that movie. Yeah,

12:06

I would have thought. With the big curly tip.

12:08

I mean, first of all, they look remarkably comfortable.

12:11

Incredibly comfortable. I

12:13

would wear those on the regs, the

12:16

children's. And on the court. And on the court. John,

12:19

you're obviously an incredible

12:24

actor who

12:27

is in many films, Tag coming

12:29

up a little later in the year. Tag coming

12:31

out in June. Coming out in June. And I

12:33

doubt we'll have you back on before Tag. Yeah,

12:35

don't sell yourself short, Scott. I might come back

12:38

regularly. Yes,

12:40

I would love it if you were here. I'm

12:43

a longtime friend of the show. You are.

12:45

Early adopter. I believe

12:47

episode maybe 18 or

12:49

something. When we were on

12:51

terrestrial radio. Yes, exactly. Remember those

12:53

days? Indie 103. Indie

12:55

103. Yes, of course. So you've

12:57

been a longtime friend of the show. And

13:00

also, I believe a personal friend in

13:03

the area. Personal

13:07

friendship. But

13:09

I've always wanted to know, what is

13:11

your middle name? My middle name?

13:14

Are you OK? Wait,

13:17

I think our next guest is trying to get

13:19

our attention. Yeah, what is happening? I'm in fact

13:21

doing the opposite. I'm trying not to get your

13:23

attention. Well, you failed. Low

13:25

five. I do. I do low five. Low

13:28

five, please. I cannot low five you. I'm sorry. Really,

13:30

John, you and I are going to have to. OK,

13:33

there we go. Thanks, Scott. I'm having a

13:35

bit of trouble. Thanks for not leaving anyone hanging. A

13:37

bit of trouble with this chair. I apologize. Well, what

13:39

is going on over there? It's leaning back despite my

13:41

will. Well, are you OK? I'm

13:44

fine. It's just a little uncomfortable. Well,

13:46

we may as well introduce you. You may

13:49

as well. I'm not sure if you know

13:51

John Ham here, if you've ever met. We've

13:53

met. No, I don't

13:55

believe we've met, sir. This is, he's

13:57

been on the show several times. This is, he.

14:00

He's more commonly known as the smooth

14:02

criminal, but his Christian name is L.A.

14:04

Peterson. Or is it? Oh,

14:06

that's right. You may have changed it. I

14:08

may have. Because I am a criminal. That's why

14:10

I'm the smooth criminal. Yeah. And

14:12

of course... It doesn't sound that smooth if you're

14:14

introducing yourself such. Well, there's more to

14:16

the story. Fair enough.

14:18

Do criminals really introduce themselves as criminals?

14:21

Correct! Or do they try to get away

14:23

with it by saying, I'm just a businessman? I'm

14:25

a gentleman criminal, I guess you could say, because I admit

14:27

that I am a criminal. Well, you're

14:29

honest. You're honest until you commit crimes.

14:31

That's right. Well, even my crimes are

14:33

not... Well, no, they're pretty dishonest. They're... You're

14:36

sort of an anti-hero, in a way. I

14:38

like that. Let's say I am. Okay. And

14:41

of course, the smooth part is that my body

14:43

is entirely hairless. Oh.

14:46

Unexpected. Yeah, did it? I thought

14:48

it was that... that malefilist voice. Oh, that's just a side

14:50

effect. That's a

14:52

byproduct of the... Of the hairless body? You

14:54

should have heard me before. Really?

14:56

Raspy. Impression of yourself?

14:59

Possibly? I could try. Okay,

15:01

let's hear. It's been a long time. Hey,

15:03

guys. Oh, no, we couldn't have. No,

15:05

I... Hey, the smooth criminal. Al. Al.

15:09

Al. Al. I much

15:11

prefer it. Please. Yeah, we much prefer your

15:13

smooth voice. That's much better. Now,

15:15

speaking of, Al's middle name starts with A.

15:18

That's true, and your middle name starts with A?

15:20

Starts with D. Yes. Okay,

15:23

so like the... My middle name is... After death.

15:26

My middle name is, yeah. And I'm gonna eliminate.

15:28

And I'll dominate. My middle name is Daniel. Daniel.

15:31

Al. Al, your middle name? Should

15:33

I tell? I've never divulged it before.

15:35

Yeah, we've never spoken about this. It seems like a question

15:38

that I... We're on the topic. It just seems like it

15:40

might be nice. Well, all right. I hope this won't lead

15:42

to my getting caught by the authorities. I

15:44

think the Al and the Peterson we far... You think

15:46

my first and last name are probably more of the...

15:49

Yes, it's probably more of the clues. I

15:51

don't think it's gonna tip the scale. All

15:54

right, if you must know, Amadeus. Amadeus!

15:57

Amadeus! Amadeus! Amadeus!

16:00

Robby. And

16:03

by the way, this is not your Christian name?

16:05

You chose this one? It may or may not

16:07

be. Right. We'll get to that in a second.

16:09

My middle name is real though. I was named

16:11

after Saint Avadeus. Oh, okay. I took that as

16:13

my confirmation name. Let's

16:15

talk about, for those of you who have not

16:17

heard Al before, he's been on the show several

16:20

times. You're the smooth criminal and you have a

16:22

business. Explain your business as briefly as possible. Al,

16:24

you're from Florida, correct? Oh, that's not

16:26

correct. No. You may be thinking... Nice

16:29

try. I'm trying to nail you down regionally. Oh, I bet you

16:31

are. I

16:34

must be thinking of someone else.

16:36

I believe you're thinking of our good friend J.W. Stillwater.

16:38

That's exactly who I'm thinking of. Uh-oh, the Grand Fighter.

16:41

Yeah, he is... The amateur Grand Fighter, J.W. Stillwater. Is

16:43

he on the lookout for you? I was going to

16:45

say. He probably is. I am a

16:47

wanted criminal. Sounds like rivalry. He

16:49

sounds like rival. He sounds like rival. Low

16:53

five, John, for that. Sorry. You're

16:56

doing a lot more low five since the last time I

16:58

seen you. Well, we just started it probably at the beginning

17:01

of the show. So

17:03

Al, tell us about your business. You

17:06

want me to nutshell it for you? Nutshell,

17:08

please. I hope people fake their own

17:10

deaths. Right. And

17:13

the process... Oh, you want to hear more? Yeah.

17:15

I mean, that's good enough. I thought you wanted... I

17:18

was only instructions to explain it very

17:21

briefly. Slightly

17:23

more information. The process by which you do this.

17:26

I have people shave

17:29

their entire body and

17:31

then I furnish them with a new passport. You

17:35

furnish them with a new passport? Yes. Furnish?

17:39

Yes. Okay. What's

17:41

the problem? Well, it just seems like maybe you...

17:44

I don't know. Is that furniture? I

17:47

think you could use the word furniture. Fair enough. But

17:49

it's interesting that furniture... I mean, look, David Furnish certainly has. Furniture

17:52

sort of co-opted it though. Do

17:56

you think when David Furnish walks into a room, he says,

17:58

this room is now furnished? I

18:00

think he absolutely does. You've

18:03

been furnished. It is

18:05

interesting that furniture co-opted the word furnish. It's

18:09

not like you call furniture like give,

18:12

you know? I

18:14

wouldn't go down this road. OK. Scott, I'm going

18:16

to need a low-five on that. OK, here we

18:18

go. Let's go down

18:20

the road of your business, though. You

18:23

shave people. I shave people's entire bodies, save.

18:26

Why is the shaving? It's

18:28

to change your identity. I

18:31

faked alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship. You

18:33

were in a relationship with a woman. What

18:35

was her name? Karlifer. Karlifer. And

18:40

you did not want to be in this relationship. And

18:42

what was the main reason? I got cold feet. We

18:45

were together for a long time. We were college sweethearts. And

18:48

things got serious. It was time to either get

18:50

married. Put up or shut up. Put up or

18:52

shut up. And I chose

18:54

to shut up in the form of shaving my

18:56

entire body, telling her I had alopecia, hoping that

18:58

she would be too shallow to continue

19:00

the relationship. She surprised me by being a better

19:02

person than I even imagined. And

19:04

I disappeared. Right.

19:06

Take me with me. She

19:09

was ready to accept you as a hairless. As

19:11

a propetian man. Of course she was. Karlifer's a

19:13

living saint. Yes. And then you disappeared with her

19:15

favorite hoodie. Yes. And she's been searching for you

19:17

ever since. That's right. Due to love or the

19:19

hoodie, have we ever found that out? I guess

19:21

I'll find out when we finally meet up. She's

19:24

sort of like your one-armed man. But does she have

19:26

both arms? Is that true? The

19:29

one-armed man didn't chase the fugitive. I thought that

19:31

he was chasing the fugitive. Wait. He was the

19:33

fugitive. He was on the run. Fugitive

19:36

was running from everyone, except for one person.

19:38

The fugitive was running from the detective. Why

19:40

didn't they call the one-armed man the also

19:42

fugitive? Because he's running

19:44

from the fugitive. He wasn't a fugitive

19:47

from justice. But much like furniture, one

19:49

can be a fugitive. Here's

19:51

the thing. The fugitive

19:54

was chasing the one-armed man to prove his innocence.

19:57

Because he had seen his wife murdered by one-armed

19:59

man. By the way, we don't give that one

20:01

arm man enough credit. No kidding. That must be difficult to

20:03

murder someone with one arm. Had

20:06

he had two arms, that's a done deal. You

20:08

could have blended right into the camera. Blend right into the thing. This

20:11

guy really, he knew how to hide. You

20:13

think you'd wear a fake arm to

20:15

murder someone so that people are like, no,

20:18

he definitely had two arms. Yeah. He couldn't

20:20

be a one arm man. Well, but that

20:22

doesn't seem strange, though, that he would just

20:24

have one arm hanging limply by his side.

20:29

One floppy arm. It was the

20:31

floppy armed man. His hand might be turned around

20:33

the wrong way. That's not an arm. That's

20:36

a weird. Why was he wearing one glove? Michael

20:40

Jackson? Fair enough. Did

20:42

Michael Jackson kill the fugitive's wife? Ooh.

20:46

Reopen that cold case. Do you

20:48

think Michael Jackson had a- Let's get Quincy Jones on

20:50

that. Did Michael Jackson have a fake arm?

20:53

Are you a fan, like I am, of Quincy Jones mysteries? What

20:58

about Quincy Jones' medicine man? Somebody

21:05

write it, please. So one

21:07

other detail I did want

21:10

to, because I'm barely- I wonder

21:12

what it could be. I'm barely remembering it. But

21:14

how did Carla Fuhr get her name? The

21:17

name Carla Fuhr is a clumsy portmanteau of

21:19

her parents' names, Carla and Jennifer. Right.

21:24

And did this ever come up in

21:26

the relationship of discussion? As

21:28

a matter of fact, it did. You

21:31

know, when I was meeting Carla Fuhr's parents for the first

21:33

time, we'd been dating for some months, and I

21:37

met her parents dinner at their home. And

21:41

what you have to understand is she comes

21:43

from somewhat of a troubled home.

21:45

Her mother is, of course, a vermouth

21:47

alcoholic. Right. That's

21:50

a hard one. Yes, she treats- That's a lot

21:52

of bottles. She drinks bottle after bottle of vermouth.

21:54

And they're so, so small. Bottles

21:56

are small. They're not big. No. Even

21:59

if you go to a BevMo. You're not

22:01

going to get a leader of Vermouth. No,

22:03

you're not. And you shouldn't. No,

22:06

you should not.

22:08

And her father, of course, is a

22:10

sniveling spineless worm. So

22:12

Jennifer wears the pants. Well, when

22:14

she can get them on properly, she's

22:16

not passed out drunk from Vermouth. So

22:19

Carlaver was sort of in a broken

22:21

home, didn't have a lot of parental

22:23

guidance. That's right. And then

22:25

you came over to meet them. Yeah. And

22:28

what was your reaction to them? Well, when I met her father, her

22:31

mother, of course, was in the kitchen on her

22:33

eighth bottle of Vermouth burning the dinner. What

22:36

was she cooking that night? I

22:39

think it was three towels. Oh, no.

22:43

I think she'd had three thick and thirsty

22:45

bath towels folded up in the oven. Now

22:50

we had never spoken about that before. That is tough.

22:52

No, that's a new detail. I was going to say,

22:55

no sauce? You

23:00

gotta have gravy. You gotta have gravy. She

23:02

may have ladled some conditioner on that. Oh,

23:05

no. And so

23:07

when I met Carl, Carlaver's father,

23:10

I decided I'm going to test

23:12

this guy's medal and see who I'm dealing with.

23:16

Do you do that often when you meet a new person? Sometimes

23:19

I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I

23:21

feel like I've got the measure of a man immediately. I

23:25

don't remember you testing my medal. I hadn't been medal tested

23:27

on that. Yeah, I don't believe you have. What? Surprise,

23:30

you both have. What? I did it

23:32

in secret. Oh, no. I've got it down to

23:34

the science. You did

23:36

it secretly or you did it hiding from

23:38

us in secret? Both. Oh,

23:41

really? Yes. So we haven't seen you at

23:43

a certain point. I was here before you were here. What? Yes,

23:46

I was waiting for you. He's always been here. And I always

23:48

will be. Wait, you just

23:50

live here? I live here inside the walls. Wait,

23:53

have you met Mayor Junius Bobildunary? Was he a

23:55

little tiny guy? A little tiny guy, yes. Yes,

23:57

I have met him. Okay, great. So

24:00

now you were testing

24:02

Carl's metal. Yes. I want

24:04

to see who I was dealing with. Right. How'd

24:08

it go? What was the,

24:10

what was the results of this? Well, here's

24:12

what happened. He

24:15

held out his hand for me to shake. I

24:17

took it. I

24:19

squeezed and I

24:21

suddenly bent him backwards

24:24

using just the power of my hand.

24:26

His spine backwards or he took his

24:28

step back. Forced him to shrink from

24:30

me. Really? Yes. And

24:33

I said to his face. Yes.

24:39

Carlifer is a clumsy, poor man too. And

24:43

he thanked me for saying it. He

24:45

got it. Oh, what a worm. He realized he made

24:47

a mistake. He's

24:50

yellow. He's shirked from you.

24:53

Yes, he did. Oh my God. What a worm. Where

24:55

is he now? I wonder. Probably

24:58

in the same chair waiting for his wife to sober

25:00

up. Just

25:02

eating a towel. What a washcloth.

25:04

Oh my gosh. How do they for lunchtime?

25:10

Well, Well,

25:13

Al, it's a medium five. It's

25:16

it's so good to see you, Al. I mean, you're

25:19

one of our favorite. It's good to be out

25:21

of the shadows. Yes. You are. Are you getting

25:23

out more? I mean, you've

25:25

been this identity for so long. Well, you

25:28

know, sometimes I put on disguises just

25:30

so I can walk around and be free. But

25:34

it's scary because the police

25:36

and of course, Carlifer could

25:39

be around any corner. Right. What kind of disguises

25:41

are you putting on like Johnny Depp and Pirates

25:43

of the Caribbean? Exactly. Are

25:45

you working the stretch of Hollywood Boulevard? What do

25:47

you mean? Just, you know, Do

25:50

you know the man's Chinese theater? Yeah. I've heard of

25:52

it, of course. Have you ever passed by it? I

25:55

don't think so. In costume? Because you

25:57

should. Why is that? Might make a

26:00

little. a little extra doe. A little extra cash for

26:02

you. What are you walking best, the theater? Yeah, people

26:04

will want to hand you money if

26:06

you're in a collaborative disguise. You'll have to take a

26:08

few pictures. Oh, I'm out. Oh, okay. I

26:10

can't have my picture taken, of course. Not even

26:12

in disguise. Not even in disguise? Not even in disguise.

26:15

Technology is such now they could remove my disguise digitally

26:17

and know exactly who I am. There's an app for

26:20

that? Probably. Then how do

26:22

you handle your social media profiles? Oh,

26:25

I have an intern do that. Oh, fair enough.

26:27

That's just sensible. I've taken on some interns. Okay.

26:32

They did the majority of the shaving. That's

26:36

right, you're still faking it. I don't know why

26:38

you have to fake it. It almost seems like

26:40

a carlifer and the authorities would be looking for

26:42

a hairless hairless person. Scott, don't be absurd. The

26:44

interns don't shave me. I do that myself. The

26:47

shaving of the clients. Oh, I see. I

26:50

made that mistake too. And was there something where you shave

26:52

everyone except for their buttholes? That's right.

26:55

I let them retain the hair around

26:57

their anus so they can still keep

26:59

some of their own identity. Yes, that's

27:01

right. That only they will know about. Right. Is

27:04

that just because of your butthole aversion? Or is it?

27:07

I'm not gonna lie, that's a big part of it.

27:09

Did you ever have a client in the initial stages

27:11

who farted in your face and you were like, okay.

27:13

I can't do this anymore. I cannot

27:15

do this. It's a bridge too far. To

27:19

answer your other question, the reason I keep

27:21

shaving is because I love to swim. Oh,

27:24

that's true. Saving precious

27:26

seconds. That's right. What's

27:28

your strokes? I love the breaststroke.

27:31

I love the butterfly. I

27:34

love the crab. I love

27:36

the selkie. Dog battle,

27:38

number one with a bullet. Dog

27:40

battle is number one. Love it. Love

27:43

it. Really, it doesn't seem that fun to

27:45

me. I'm probably the fastest dog battle you've ever. Are

27:47

you a distance man or a sprinter? Both. Both.

27:50

I sprint for distance. Multiple. What's

27:52

your time? On

27:55

say the 200 meter. What do you do 100 meters

27:57

dog paddle in? Gotta be under a

27:59

minute. Oh yes, it's, I

28:01

think my last best was

28:03

29 seconds, but that was quite wild. I

28:06

haven't achieved that. That is a very, very fast battle. Very

28:08

fast, especially for a dog paddle. Yeah, that's a very fast

28:10

battle. My last time was probably 44 seconds. 44

28:14

seconds, wow. That's still an impressive dog paddle.

28:16

What is Phelps doing? Phelps

28:18

dog paddle? A Phelps dog paddle probably goes in

28:20

at low 40s, sure. But

28:23

I mean, that's Olympic level dog paddling. We'll never know

28:25

because he refuses to accept my challenge. He will never

28:27

do it. And

28:29

by the way, you mentioned the selkie.

28:31

Yes. Few people can do

28:33

the selkie. It's very difficult. Ever, ever anymore. What

28:35

exactly is the selkie? It's a stroke from the

28:38

17th century that nobody really practices

28:40

anymore. And it's quite impressive. How to describe it if

28:42

you could? Well, you start at the end of the

28:44

pool. Sure, much like any. You jump

28:46

in the pool like a human being. Okay. But

28:49

then the idea is as you make your way across the

28:51

pool, you transform into a seal. Oh! An

28:53

Irish seal, I believe. Yes, an Irish seal.

28:55

An Irish seal. You have to sort of

28:57

take on the affect of an Irish seal.

28:59

The attributes of a seal. But you also

29:02

have to act out the transformation. There's that

29:04

one. Oh, I mean, this is why. It's

29:06

really, it's a very high degree

29:08

of difficulty. You have to be both swimmer

29:10

and actor. Yeah, sort of like the morphing

29:12

technology that James Cameron invented for Terminator 2,

29:15

Judgment Day. Or black

29:17

and white, I think Michael Jackson's seminal video. That's true,

29:19

yeah. Now you're talking. Okay, you had no idea what

29:21

I... Do you not go see movies? He

29:25

is on the run. Except

29:27

you've been here in LA for a

29:29

surprisingly long amount of time. The only

29:31

movie I've ever seen is Blue Jasmine.

29:33

Blue Jasmine. I can't stay

29:36

at a movie theater for too long. Is that

29:38

because of Dice Clay? I

29:40

usually have a half hour. I think I have

29:42

a friend who has only seen Blue Jasmine as

29:44

well. Yes, Blue Jasmine, the Andrew Dice Clay movie,

29:46

right? Ford Fairlane, Blue Jasmine. That's right.

29:48

That's the extent of his filmography. And the final.

29:51

And of course, final, final. Yes, oh. You

29:53

remember the poster to final, right? By the way, sunglasses,

29:55

of course, were invented a long time ago because Dracula

29:57

wore them, as we saw in that one film. Oh,

29:59

that's right. You have seen more films than just Andrew.

30:01

Well, I've seen a half hour of many films. Do

30:05

you know my friend Tracy? Tracy Reardon? Who's

30:07

that? She's a willful, ignorant

30:09

child who, she

30:12

can only see a half hour of films. And Blue Jasmine, I

30:14

believe, is the only one that she's seen back to back. Is

30:16

she also a wanted criminal? No, she's not.

30:18

I mean, I do believe she may be in trouble

30:20

recently because Claire is going out of business. Who's

30:23

Claire? It's one

30:25

of her only jobs. Or one

30:27

of her only jobs. She has several jobs. So it's

30:30

one of her only ones, though. She

30:32

also works at Baskin Robbins. Who's Robbins? Do

30:36

you think Tony Robbins? Baskin, I know. Do

30:38

you think Tony Robbins is part of that conglomerate? It

30:40

has to be. If he's not, he's crazy. He's crazy.

30:42

He's missing out. He's got to invest in at least

30:44

29 of those 31 flavors. Now,

30:46

you say your friend, the only movie she's seen

30:49

back to back is Blue Jasmine. I believe so.

30:52

And that's your experience as well? Well, I've

30:54

seen Blue Jasmine all the way through. That

30:57

is probably what I meant. When I say back to back,

30:59

I didn't watch it. I didn't watch it twice in

31:01

a row. I guess I mean the front being one back

31:03

and the end being another back. Both backs.

31:06

Yeah, everyone gets that. That's English. If you see a

31:08

whole movie, that's called Making the Beach with Both Backs.

31:12

Well, Al, it's great to see you. How's your business

31:15

going? Everything going well? It's going great. Yeah? How many?

31:17

People are faking their deaths all the time. What is

31:19

the most, what is the reason, what is the biggest

31:21

reason you get from why do people say? Would you

31:23

ever fix your own death? I would not. I

31:26

don't want to live. You're on top of the world

31:28

at this point. I'm going to say that now. Well,

31:30

exactly. So what is the number one reason people come

31:32

to you? Here's why. I need to, I got to

31:34

get out. Money troubles? Yeah, is it cash? Is it?

31:36

Relationship? You'd think it was money troubles. But

31:41

it's not. Oh, OK. I'll

31:43

tell you exactly what it is. After

31:46

this break. OK, I guess we

31:48

do have to take a break. This

31:50

is exciting. That's a real

31:52

cliffhanger. Yeah, on the other side of this, we're going

31:55

to hear what the number one reason why people fake

31:57

their own death. We'll be right back

31:59

with more John. We also have

32:02

a friend of ours, a park ranger coming up,

32:04

Marjorie Kershaw, and a trainer will be a little

32:06

later. So come on back after this more comedy

32:08

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36:48

Bang Bang, we're back here with Jon Hamm.

36:50

Beirut opens this Friday. How

36:53

many screens? How many reels? Seven

36:56

screens, 42 reels. It's a 42 hour movie. Because

36:58

it's so in depth. Sure.

37:05

It's all in one shot, I

37:07

heard. It's all in one shot. It takes place

37:09

over... So it only took 42 hours to film, which

37:11

is great. It takes place over a 142 hour

37:13

day. There

37:17

are a lot of extra hours in the day. People don't know because

37:19

they go to sleep. People

37:21

don't get it. If you manage to stay up, you can see all 42

37:23

hours of the day. Sleep

37:27

must be nice. You don't sleep? I very

37:29

rarely sleep. Really? Why?

37:31

Because you're always on the run. You're

37:34

just staying here in the walls at earwolf. There's

37:36

a lot of noise here.

37:39

Yeah, that's true. A lot of people shouting. Some

37:41

people dying. So 42 hours, that's

37:43

amazing. It's a

37:45

beautiful, beautiful film. And if anybody

37:47

ever watches the whole thing through,

37:49

they'll be transformed. It incorporates, I

37:51

would imagine, one sun up and

37:53

one sun down. Absolutely. Wow. That's

37:56

what you want in a film.

38:00

You want to see the sun go up? You want to see the sun go down? Good night. Yep,

38:02

exactly. We also have L.A. Peterson here, the

38:05

smooth criminal, and before the break, this is

38:07

exciting. I know, what, man, I was like,

38:09

I was on the edge of my seat.

38:11

Tenterhooks. Oh my goodness. He mentioned that the

38:14

number one reason why people fake their deaths

38:16

is not money, not relationships,

38:18

it's actually something different. What is it? It's

38:22

calling people Caroline when their

38:25

name is Caroline. Oh my God. What?

38:27

That's, I've done it. It's embarrassing. By

38:29

the way, I've wanted to end my

38:31

own life. Yeah. 100% correct. Oh my

38:33

gosh, what a terrible situation to be.

38:35

You know you'll see that person again.

38:38

Unless. What

38:42

were you gonna say? Unless you come to me. Oh,

38:45

I'm sorry. Al intervenes. Oh, got it, yeah,

38:47

okay. By the way, I've never done

38:49

this before, but since we're talking about John's business,

38:51

I'd like to talk about my business a little

38:53

bit. Oh, sure. Just a little plug. If

38:55

you are looking to fake your own death, if

38:58

you've called someone Caroline and their name

39:00

is Caroline, if you've thought someone was

39:02

pregnant and you found

39:04

out they're not at all. How many months? You

39:08

can contact me of course through German

39:10

Craigslist. Really?

39:12

The listing is in code. Craigslist?

39:15

Craigslist. And it's in code

39:17

you say? Yes, it's in code. In German?

39:20

Yeah. And

39:24

what is the code for people so

39:26

that they can contact you? Basically, you just have

39:28

to read all the ads. Oh, okay. And

39:31

then, figure out which one. It'll be obvious.

39:33

My ad, it's not, if

39:35

you're just skimming, it's not obvious, but

39:37

if you really read. Really read them.

39:39

Completely take in every single ad on

39:42

German Craigslist. So it's not gibberish. It

39:44

is not gibberish. But it is something

39:46

that when you read it, very, very

39:48

carefully. It'll be like the ad is

39:50

winking at you. I see, a little

39:52

sly nod. I also include the

39:54

emoticon where it's like the

39:57

semicolon and then a parenthesis.

40:00

So that's a winky face. Yes, exactly.

40:02

So you include that emoticon, which is

40:04

just the one right side up. Yeah, look for

40:07

that. Okay, got it. Right side up. Right

40:09

side up, head with winking. Right

40:12

side up, head with winking. Is

40:15

an emoticon can be a

40:17

combination of characters? Yes,

40:20

that's what an emoticon is. Oh, I thought it was just

40:22

one thing. Are you thinking of an emoji? Oh, I'm thinking

40:24

of emojis. Yes, the very first. I love those. Do you

40:26

like those? The early version of an emoticon. Because,

40:29

you know, I wrote a screenplay for emoticon,

40:31

the movie. Oh, no. Never got

40:33

made. That's unfortunate. Yes, that's unfortunate. It

40:35

was going to be live action. That's

40:39

tough. Did you say that several times in the script? Like,

40:41

hey, by the way, this is. I reminded people, yes, on

40:44

every page. Don't forget this is live

40:46

action. Don't forget. This is. Well,

40:49

I think, so Ian McKellen. We

40:54

I'm so sorry about that, but no

40:56

more time to get into that because we have to get to

40:58

our next guest, if that's all right. It's fine by me. And

41:01

I can't even stay for the whole show,

41:03

probably. Really? You have to go? Why

41:05

is that? Well, he's on the run.

41:08

Thank you very much. I don't know why you

41:10

keep forgetting this. He's literally looking over both shoulders

41:12

constantly. Yeah. And if someone were

41:14

to burst in here, what would you do? Yeah,

41:16

what would you do? You'd be one goal. There's

41:18

four corners in this room. It's not a Pentagon,

41:20

nor a pyramid. Well, that's why I keep those

41:22

smoke bombs. That's right. Smoke bomb

41:24

and you're out. Yes. Smoke

41:27

bomb and I'm out. So if you're bursting into

41:29

a room, block the door with your body and

41:32

don't be confused by the smoke. Why

41:34

are you giving advice to people trying to

41:36

catch me? Well, I mean, I what I

41:39

loved about the fugitive was Tommy Lee Jones

41:41

was as good at chasing fugitives as Harrison

41:43

Ford was at being the fugitive. So I

41:45

want an evenly matched. I'm sorry. Yes.

41:48

I'm sick of hearing about the fugitive. It's very

41:50

insulting to me. You brought it up, didn't you?

41:53

No. Who did? You.

41:56

Who did Scott? I don't know. It's

41:59

a great. film. I

42:01

don't care. Al correctly informed

42:03

us that we were wrong about the one armed

42:05

man's role and it

42:08

clearly knows a lot about how

42:10

did you ever watch fugitives and the fugitive. How

42:13

did you ever watch an hour

42:15

television program like the fugitive? I would

42:19

of course record it. Okay. And then fast

42:21

forward through the commercials. Well

42:23

that's still 45 minutes. You can

42:25

only sit for a half hour at a time.

42:27

You get the gist. Oh okay. Also you can

42:29

cut out the first five, ten minutes of an

42:31

hour long show. Yeah that's true. And you can

42:33

follow along. It's all set up. Character

42:36

development. All

42:38

right well we do need to get speaking of character

42:40

development to our next guest. She

42:42

is a park ranger. She's been on the show before.

42:45

Please welcome back Marjorie Kershaw. Oh hi Scott.

42:47

Hi it's so good to see you again.

42:49

Good to see you. This is Al. Hello.

42:51

This is John. Can I call you Al?

42:53

Please you can call me. When you call him. And what is

42:55

your name again? Marjorie.

42:58

Any chance I could call you Betty? Um yeah

43:00

that sounds fun. All right. Only you though. So I

43:02

can call you Betty. You can call me. Betty when

43:04

you call me you can call me Al. That's great.

43:06

Oh that's fun. You can call me by your name

43:08

by the way. Okay

43:10

you call me by your name and I'll

43:13

call you Al. Okay great. Wait a second.

43:15

Which one's Al? You

43:17

guys decide. Uh

43:19

oh. I think I'm Al

43:22

too. I think we're all Al. Yeah I

43:24

think moment to moment anyone can be Al.

43:26

This is a great way to blend in

43:28

to the shadows Al. That's true. If everyone

43:30

has the same name. You get a bunch

43:32

of Al's then no one knows who you

43:34

are and you're except you're hairless. Well you

43:36

get everyone to name their bodies. Well

43:39

I think you have you have some interns. But

43:41

now Marjorie I'm still the only one who can

43:43

call you Betty. That's right. Even though you will

43:45

refer to all of us as Al. At any

43:47

given time anyone can be Al but you call

43:49

me Betty. Thank you. Everyone else please call me

43:51

Ranger Marjorie. Ranger Marjorie. Okay I can't not even

43:53

Marjorie. You're a park ranger. I am a park

43:55

ranger. Have you thought of shortening it to rangery?

43:58

Oh that's a nice support. or Rango.

44:01

What about Rango? Why Rango? Yeah,

44:03

why Rango, Scott? I know you

44:05

haven't seen that film, Al, but it's a great film

44:08

about Johnny Depp plays a lizard. A lizard? A western

44:10

lizard. You know,

44:12

if I were still stationed at my beloved Pinnacles National

44:14

Park... Wait a minute, wait a minute, what? Well,

44:17

Scott, since we last spoke, I've

44:19

been transferred. No, you loved Pinnacles.

44:21

I loved Pinnacles, the jazz hands

44:24

of Central California. Right. And I've...

44:27

Why was it called that? Well, Pinnacles, the rocks shoot

44:29

up, and it sort of looks like Earth's jazz hands.

44:31

Oh, I see. You know, I was trying to get

44:33

that going so we could get more... Well,

44:36

we don't have butts in the seats, more feet on the

44:38

hikes. Boots on the ground. Well,

44:40

that's a little scary, Scott. What a fun phrase.

44:43

I like feet on the trail. You're gonna

44:45

like feet on the trail. Feet on the trail, Scott.

44:48

And I've been... If

44:50

I were still at my beloved Pinnacles, Rango would be

44:52

more appropriate. We had all kinds of lizard creatures, lizard

44:55

friends there, but I'm no longer in such a warm...

44:57

You had the lizard creatures? Yeah.

45:00

You know, lizard... A deal of monsters? Sure.

45:03

Sure. Now I'm no longer in such

45:05

a warm climate. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, dear. Where

45:07

were you transferred to? Oh, well, now I'm one of

45:09

the Rangers at the Gates of the Arctic, the

45:12

America's northernmost and least visited national

45:14

park. Oh, no. Yeah, up there

45:17

in Alaska. In Alaska? Well,

45:20

I went to my superiors and I said, listen,

45:22

I've been doing my best to keep people away

45:24

from bees, but I think I'm ready

45:26

for a bigger challenge. Please send me where there's

45:28

danger. Now you thought a bigger

45:31

challenge was like a bigger... More bees. Something

45:33

bigger than a bee. Oh, more bees. Oh, yeah.

45:35

So, wait, you just wanted to go to a

45:37

place that had more bees per capita? Yeah, that's

45:39

right. I heard that... What is the BPC up

45:41

in Pinnacles? The BPC was 40

45:43

bees per person. Wow, that is a lot of bees. That's

45:45

too many bees. It's a lot of bees. Well, you know,

45:47

and we need bees as you all know. We sure, of

45:49

course. I was teaching

45:51

a respectful fear, but please don't swat.

45:54

You know, we need bees. But Death Valley,

45:57

they're 60 bees per person.

46:00

You know that's a lot more

46:02

bees and so I was fingers. You know BPP.

46:04

I was down with BPP. You know me Returning

46:08

to the show 0B

46:11

per P unless there's 5B

46:13

per P if the B is bear

46:15

Scott Oh bear so

46:17

bears so there's five bears per person

46:19

up there and in what was it

46:21

called again? Which are the Arctic

46:23

gates of the Arctic so five

46:26

bears five bears per person

46:28

and by the way You said this is the most

46:30

America's most northern National

46:32

Park that's right and least this

46:34

least visited and second worst second

46:37

worst What's the worst? Congree

46:39

National Park in South Carolina They

46:42

can get the hell out of here who

46:44

votes on worst. You know it's one

46:47

of those US news polls Okay, we're like

46:49

oh if my alumni donate more my

46:52

college is ranked higher But you know

46:54

you still they do carry some weight

46:56

Scott sure sure look at those They

46:58

are they are the only the US

47:00

news. It's the US news and

47:03

world report That's true report makes

47:05

a Congaree the worst national park

47:07

well You know them there about a

47:09

hundred M per P hundred mosquitoes Land

47:14

so you know for a man with no hair

47:16

you're gonna get Covered it's like the

47:18

first Thanksgiving for those guys is here like

47:20

the first line of defense against mosquitoes Absolutely

47:24

yeah think about it put yourself in there Well, they

47:26

don't have shoes, but put yourself in there. We're

47:28

eladin shoes. Oh boy. I wish

47:33

So this this is terrible for you. Did you have

47:35

to do you have a family? I can't recall no

47:37

you're a solo I'm I'm a I'm

47:39

a free bird. That's the life of a ranger

47:41

though. I'm sure you live in on the you're living on

47:44

the land Yeah, that's right. That's true Do you know

47:46

about when doctors they have their matchday Scott and

47:48

they get their they get their coats and there's

47:50

an algorithm for what? Med school they're gonna go

47:52

to do you know about this? When

47:54

they when they graduate from medical school, they're

47:57

gonna do their residency matching so we have

47:59

we have something very similar in the park

48:01

system. And my beloved

48:03

Pinnacles was my first choice. And

48:06

the algorithm also matched you up with

48:08

it? Yeah, they said, Marjorie, you're a

48:10

perfect fit. Wow. And then

48:12

I asked for more, you know? I didn't keep

48:14

my eyes on my own paper, and now I'm

48:16

up freezing my buns off, chasing

48:19

away bears. You flew too close to

48:21

the sun. Clue

48:23

close. Clue close. From

48:26

fatal attraction. You

48:29

don't know that reference, pal. I'm sorry. I mean,

48:32

I know something about that film. This

48:36

is terrible. So you just packed up solo, but that's

48:38

OK. Let's look on the bright side.

48:40

Maybe it's not terrible. I mean, look, first of

48:42

all, you're in the second worst. You're not in

48:45

the worst. That's right. You could be covered in

48:47

mosquitoes and living in South Carolina. That's right. Terrible

48:49

barbecue and mosquitoes. Scratching, scratching

48:51

like I got nothing else to

48:53

do and drinking vinegar-based pork. But

48:56

instead. How's the barbecue up in Alaska? Well,

48:58

I'm trying. What do you have?

49:01

What do you have, a big green egg or? You

49:04

know I'm smoking. Yeah, I got one of those big

49:06

green eggs. You got to. I

49:08

got to fill the time, guys, because guess what? Green

49:11

Canyon, 6 million visitors last

49:13

year. Gates of the Arctic, 10,047.

49:17

Ooh. So what's the attraction? What's

49:20

the killer app of Gates of the Arctic? Here's

49:22

what it is. We have. Because I got to

49:25

say, I love the title. Yeah,

49:27

Gates of the Arctic. This sounds. Oh, yeah. It

49:29

sounds epic. Sounds like you're going to step through

49:31

and there's going to be. There's going to be

49:33

a gate. Hey, let me tell you this, a

49:35

bunch of owls. You could go to Belgium,

49:38

or you could go to a

49:40

park the size of Belgium. Whoa.

49:44

That is what makes our country wonderful. Oh,

49:46

yeah. And get this, it has no roads.

49:50

No roads? None at all. Where we're

49:52

going, you don't have them. Actually,

49:56

the future. Rangerie, is it Gates of

49:58

the Arctic? Is it just? Is

50:00

it just a big bunch of snow? Well,

50:03

we don't always have snow, but there's

50:05

a lot of snow. There's some lakes.

50:07

There's some peaks. You can go camping,

50:09

but there's a rigorous application

50:11

process. Application process to prove that you can

50:13

weather the storm. You can weather the storm.

50:16

You don't want to go into the wild.

50:18

Yeah, you got it. I

50:20

can't be taking people out of the wild every day.

50:22

It's hard to find. Scott, it's Belgium. It's the size

50:24

of Belgium. It's the size of Belgium. And is it

50:26

only you, or are you the only? There's

50:28

about 10 of us up there. Oh, OK. And so

50:30

that means just by

50:32

us, not visitors, I want you. That's

50:35

50 bears. Wow. So then 10,000. So

50:38

anytime anyone comes, they add five bears? Yeah,

50:41

that's how it works. Is there some sort

50:43

of arrangement with the bears where? I

50:46

mean, we're trying. I've been trying to source out who

50:48

the leader is, where I can maybe get that bear

50:50

to respect me. But it's very hard.

50:52

It sounds like you might be able to make friends, make bear

50:54

friends. But y'all, I've

50:56

seen grizzly man. Well,

50:58

yeah, I've never seen any of his films. Oh.

51:03

Timothy Treadwell's films or Werner

51:07

Herzog's films? Either.

51:09

Very short IMDb entry for Treadwell.

51:13

So how have you been trying to find

51:15

out who's the main bear? Who's the H-B-I-C,

51:19

I believe? Head bearing charge?

51:21

Yes. Head bearing charge? Well,

51:24

I've been walking out and

51:26

making grids. It's the only

51:28

way to really cover such a large space. And

51:31

I don't know if you remember this, but I don't like

51:33

to talk about it since I am a federal employee. And

51:36

I do believe in the separation of church and state. But

51:38

I am a devout Methodist. So I just go out. That's

51:40

right. No,

51:42

I'm not going to talk about it anymore because I'm a

51:44

federal employee. But you needed to say that

51:46

in order to? Well, I do go out and say a little

51:48

prayer and say, please, H-B-I-C, please

51:52

come find me. It's just a simple little prayer like that

51:54

that I say as I walk in a grid pattern. But

51:56

please don't make me speak anymore about my faith because I

51:59

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1:00:55

many of you are back here

1:00:57

with John Daniel Ham? Oh boy.

1:00:59

Sorry, I had that in a

1:01:02

chamber. Al Amadeus Peterson and

1:01:04

Marjorie. Oh I don't know your middle name. Oh

1:01:06

it's Sally Airy. Marjorie

1:01:08

Sally Airy. And it's time to... That's

1:01:13

spelled S-A-L-O-I space A-I-R-Y?

1:01:15

Of course it is. Of course. That's beautiful. Beautiful

1:01:18

name. Is it hyphenated? No.

1:01:21

Sally was my middle name and... She

1:01:24

spends a lot of time outside. What an elegant portmanteau. Thank you. I'm

1:01:30

gonna bring you all my portmanteaus from now on. Portmanteau?

1:01:34

Oh yes. I like it. We

1:01:36

do need to get to our next guest. This is

1:01:38

exciting because, you know, bikini season is

1:01:40

right around the corner and we all want to get into shape.

1:01:44

So let's welcome... If you need help with that, it is

1:01:47

bikini season. And if you

1:01:49

need help with your bikini line. Yeah,

1:01:51

you're the guy. That is the service we provide.

1:01:53

Other than the butthole. Depilatory services. That's right. So

1:01:56

sorry. No problem. He's a

1:01:59

trainer. Please welcome... Welcome to the show,

1:02:01

Dash Grabham. Hi, Scott. Hi, it's so

1:02:03

great to meet you. I'm Dash Grabham.

1:02:05

Yes, you are. You may have misunderstood

1:02:07

what I do. You're

1:02:09

a trainer, right? I am a Pokemon trainer,

1:02:11

Scott. I train Pokemon. I catch them and

1:02:14

subjugate them and train them for battles. And

1:02:16

we go on adventures across the land. What's

1:02:19

his now? What is a

1:02:21

Pokemon? Pokemon is a

1:02:23

pocket monster, a small monster that you

1:02:25

can subjugate and catch in a ball.

1:02:27

Where do you want this portmanteau, pocket

1:02:29

monster? Oh, because

1:02:31

Pokemon. Pokemon. Pocket monster. Pocket

1:02:33

monster. Pokemon. Pokemon. Oh,

1:02:36

that one's on the line. I've seen a lot

1:02:38

of them around your area. I'm

1:02:40

not from around here. Yours are weird, though.

1:02:42

I will give you that. Have you seen

1:02:44

them in the walls? Maybe you're just thinking,

1:02:46

Mayor Junius, Bevel Doon, or something. No, I

1:02:48

saw a bunch of them outside, little, what,

1:02:50

it would be Pidgeys where I'm from, but

1:02:52

yours are different. And they don't have any

1:02:54

of the attacks at the ones that I

1:02:56

have. You try to catch a pigeon? Oh,

1:02:58

sure. I caught eight of them. They have

1:03:00

basically no battle skills. They

1:03:03

can run. That's a good battle. Or fly.

1:03:05

I'm pretty sure they can fly. That's a

1:03:08

nice skill. Yeah, that would be pretty useful

1:03:10

if I didn't have a bunch of bird-type

1:03:12

Pokemon, which I do.

1:03:15

Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Where do you

1:03:17

keep all of these? It must be difficult

1:03:19

to store all these pocket

1:03:21

monsters. OK, so here's a

1:03:23

Pokeball. And so you just click this, and it

1:03:25

gets real small. Oh, my. Keep them on my

1:03:27

belt right here. There you go. I only carry

1:03:29

about six to eight of them at a time.

1:03:31

It's my battle lineup. And the rest of them

1:03:33

I put basically into the internet where they just

1:03:36

live and sit around. Is that like Bitcoin? That's

1:03:40

a currency that lives on the internet, I guess. I

1:03:42

don't think I can. I don't know that they have any. Is it

1:03:44

more like Litecoin? Is that another

1:03:46

cryptocurrency? I don't know that any of them have.

1:03:48

Is it more like Heracoin? I

1:03:51

think of all of them, it's the most like

1:03:53

Heracoin. Is it like the Charleston Chew, which is

1:03:55

a new cryptocurrency based on Charleston Chew, the candy

1:03:57

bar that no one likes? Meg,

1:04:00

your pardon. I love

1:04:02

a Charleston jig. I should clarify, it is

1:04:05

like Bitcoin in that it is very difficult

1:04:08

to cash out because none of them as

1:04:10

far as I know are

1:04:12

directly exchangeable for money of any kind.

1:04:14

Okay. Dash, let me ask you a

1:04:16

question. Yeah. You said these Pokemon as

1:04:18

you call them, they

1:04:20

engage in battles across the land. All the

1:04:23

time, I make them do it. Who are

1:04:25

they battling? Other Pokemon. It's a

1:04:27

big, big no-no to fight a person

1:04:29

with a Pokemon. Oh really? That's a

1:04:31

crime. Yeah. A crime in, not

1:04:34

in the United States. What crime against nature?

1:04:36

You don't have a lot of rules pertaining to

1:04:38

Pokemon in this country. There's not a lot of

1:04:40

Pokemon law. Yeah, where I'm from is almost

1:04:42

nothing but. Where are you

1:04:44

from? I'm from the Kanto region. Oh,

1:04:47

okay. Of? Excuse

1:04:49

me? The Kanto region of. Pardon?

1:04:53

So you're from the Kanto region? Yeah, I'm from the Kanto

1:04:55

region. Full stop. That's

1:04:58

all you need. And you train Pokemon to

1:05:00

fight other loose Pokemon or do people own

1:05:03

and subjugate these Pokemon as well? Oh, thank

1:05:05

you for asking Scott. Oh, you're welcome. The

1:05:07

answer is both. I love to

1:05:09

use my Pokemon to fight wild Pokemon that

1:05:11

I try to make faint. You don't want

1:05:14

to ever kill a Pokemon, but once you

1:05:16

make it faint or almost faint, you can

1:05:18

capture it and then you can take those

1:05:20

Pokemon to Poke gyms all around the world

1:05:22

and you can battle at those gyms against

1:05:25

other trainers and take their badges. And then

1:05:27

if you get enough badges, you can become

1:05:29

a Pokemon master. And I dash grab him.

1:05:31

I'm gonna be Pokemon master. Where

1:05:34

are you in the process? I have one badge.

1:05:36

How many do you need to be a master? More

1:05:38

than one. So two? I mean,

1:05:40

technically to be a Pokemon master, you have to

1:05:42

catch them all. And this is where it gets

1:05:45

so frustrating to try them. This is what I've

1:05:47

heard. You've got to catch them all. You've got

1:05:49

to catch them all. You have to. It is

1:05:51

a compulsion. And here's the problem. Originally,

1:05:53

when I became a Pokemon master, I'm

1:05:55

11 years old. I started very, very

1:05:57

well. I was gonna say, yeah. How

1:06:00

old would you have said? I spent

1:06:02

a lot of time in the sun. You think everyone is just

1:06:04

29, aren't they? I spent a lot of time in the sun,

1:06:06

and I don't wear sunscreen, and my hat is always backwards. Oh,

1:06:08

no. Because that's the cool way to wear it.

1:06:10

Oh, boy. At least put on a

1:06:13

sunscreen. I'm begging you. I don't need

1:06:15

to, because I have a coughing, and

1:06:17

he can cast a smokescreen. Okay.

1:06:20

Anyway, I forget what I

1:06:22

was talking about. Well, you were talking

1:06:24

about a subject, or finding other Pokemon,

1:06:26

and catching them all is very difficult.

1:06:28

Yeah, because originally, there were only 150,

1:06:30

Scott. That's

1:06:33

a big ... Yeah, if one were

1:06:35

to spend maybe 200 days, I

1:06:38

can imagine one could catch them all. That's

1:06:40

a legit amount of time. Two thirds of a year.

1:06:42

Al, can I ask you what

1:06:44

kind of day? You know, 42 hours?

1:06:47

Oh, yeah, the 42 hours day. A real day.

1:06:49

A Beirut day. A Beirut day. Yeah.

1:06:52

Just never sleep like Al over here. I don't mean to well, actually,

1:06:54

all of you right now, but 200 days is a laughable amount of

1:06:58

time to catch 150. Don't

1:07:00

mansplain to us about, or kidsplain, I guess, as

1:07:02

well. It's just that some of them are in

1:07:05

staff run cities. I think maybe ... Young mansplain.

1:07:07

Trainsplain, because he's a trainer. Oh, okay,

1:07:09

trainsplain, yeah. Well, it's just that they're all over

1:07:11

the world. It takes a long time. Oh.

1:07:14

But there were originally 150, and that was two of them. But wait,

1:07:16

Jackie Chan went around the world in 80 days. Check

1:07:18

it, Chan. Check it, Chan. Are

1:07:21

you going to allow him to rock you? He

1:07:27

and Steve Coogan went around the world in 80 days, so it

1:07:29

seems like it's 200 days. If

1:07:32

you got very lucky, you could maybe do it. How

1:07:35

many Pokemon are in the Kanto

1:07:38

region, let's just say? There are 151 proper in

1:07:40

the Kanto region. Now

1:07:42

in the Kanto region. So you can get a

1:07:44

lot just in the Kanto region where you're from.

1:07:46

Well, that's all that we thought there were, and

1:07:48

that's what you thought you had to do to

1:07:50

catch them all. It turns out every year or

1:07:52

so, about 150 more get released, and

1:07:54

they get bananas weird every

1:07:59

time. I'm really only familiar with the

1:08:01

first 150 after that there's

1:08:04

some weird weird stuff out there you guys

1:08:06

There's a bear you would like that one

1:08:08

I well I have a healthy respect for

1:08:10

it wouldn't like this bear this bear as

1:08:13

I understand it Blasts fire

1:08:15

out of its mouth. Oh gosh. Well that is I

1:08:17

think I see for sure.

1:08:19

I would definitely be the bear I caught Oh

1:08:26

You have caught and trained this bear oh yeah,

1:08:28

I got it I have another I have a

1:08:30

watertight Pokemon Can I ask that bet what is

1:08:32

the name of that bear hmm? What

1:08:34

is the name of that name? It's sitting

1:08:37

in the internet right now. Oh the name

1:08:39

of the species. Yeah an Ursa ring Ursa

1:08:41

ring. Oh, that's clever. Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah

1:08:43

based on the latin. The big berries got a

1:08:45

big literal ring on his stomach Okay

1:08:50

Port my toe gonna fly upside down Ursa

1:08:53

Ring one is part of his latin name

1:08:55

for bear and then he has a ring

1:08:57

around It's a poor man. So between where

1:09:00

sign and telephone ring. That's a clumsy portmanteau

1:09:03

Sorry, you've been judged clumsy portmanteau or

1:09:05

serene anyway I battle him and now

1:09:07

he's a real cool man So

1:09:09

how do you bat because I thought it

1:09:11

was against the rules to battle a human

1:09:13

for a Pokemon to battle a human Just

1:09:16

frowned upon no it is where

1:09:18

I'm from it is actually illegal Okay to

1:09:20

use to use the force of in the

1:09:22

cantor agent He's the force of a Pokemon

1:09:24

against the human, but you're battling these Pokemon.

1:09:26

Yes, like for example, I would have a

1:09:28

Pokemon I would probably if I was battling

1:09:31

you for example, wait, I'm not a Pokemon.

1:09:33

No, no, you would be a Pokemon trainers

1:09:35

Oh, okay. I believe you would bring your Pokemon

1:09:38

and then they would set them on each other

1:09:40

for example Which one do you choose? Out

1:09:43

of my Pokemon. Sure. I'll choose Ursa ring. Great.

1:09:46

You're an idiot because I'm gonna bring a

1:09:48

water Pokemon to that fight But okay, water

1:09:50

and fire. Well, that's that's not your fault.

1:09:52

You're a new trainer. I assume yeah Well,

1:09:55

I have no interest in this at all.

1:09:57

Actually kidding me. It's got

1:09:59

so much adventure. Dash, can I ask

1:10:01

a question? Yes, please. Is this

1:10:03

Pogs? What

1:10:06

is Pogs? Oh, you got

1:10:08

over there. Uh oh. It's a

1:10:11

thing that I've heard and I'm never quite

1:10:13

sure. Oh, the stackable cardboard disc that you

1:10:15

then hit over with this metal disc? Wait,

1:10:17

why were you confused about Pogs? Well, for

1:10:19

a second I thought you were talking about

1:10:21

a polywag, which is a p-p-p-polywag. That would

1:10:23

be the clumsy support man. Quite a portmanteau.

1:10:25

Yeah, terrible secret. No, you're talking about stackable

1:10:27

cardboard discs that then you use a metal

1:10:29

slammer. And then you make bets and you

1:10:32

can win other people's Pogs. Exactly, metal slammer.

1:10:35

Is it, you said polywag. That's

1:10:38

what you would call it, where I'm from it's called a polywag.

1:10:41

That reminds me of a story I once heard

1:10:43

about someone who was

1:10:45

in the backseat of a car on

1:10:48

a trip with his friends and his

1:10:50

friends, a little baby son who had

1:10:52

a polyworal doll. And he loved this

1:10:54

polyworal. And so this person

1:10:56

that I know was pretending to get the

1:10:59

name wrong of polyworal several times and the

1:11:01

little boy was laughing. And

1:11:03

then all of a sudden the little boy

1:11:05

started crying out of frustration because this idiot

1:11:07

couldn't understand that the name was polyworal. And

1:11:10

this is a friend of yours. This is someone

1:11:13

I know. Someone you know. I can't claim friendship with.

1:11:15

Was it on video or? No. I

1:11:18

don't, I guess I don't know this. This was

1:11:20

a story that I heard from life. A story. Oh,

1:11:23

okay. I mean I understand that. It happened

1:11:25

to someone I know. My favorite Pokemon that

1:11:27

I use for most battles is called a

1:11:29

Charmeleon. And if you called him something else,

1:11:31

I would think that was rude. So I

1:11:33

kind of understand. That's clearly a portmanteau between

1:11:35

Charming and a Chameleon. He is Char, he

1:11:38

is kind of like a

1:11:40

Chameleon. Is his power to be charmed. Is

1:11:42

his battle skill, is his charm? Just charms

1:11:44

you out of fighting. Is it from Chameleon

1:11:46

and Char? And he's a great barbecue

1:11:49

master. He is a great

1:11:51

barbecue master. Much like Marjorie over here. He is

1:11:53

a great barbecue master. He is about a four

1:11:55

foot tall fire lizard. And I would say his

1:11:57

main power is arson. Oh, well I would just.

1:11:59

I would just bring a water lizard to that

1:12:01

fight. Yeah, that would be a good move. Is

1:12:03

chameleon-air a pocket monster? Chameleon-air the

1:12:06

musical artist? Yes. I

1:12:08

mean, he would be if I could ever catch him. He's

1:12:11

a boatkeeper? I would catch him, no. See, here's

1:12:13

the thing. Well, and his power clearly would be

1:12:15

just having a lot of money. You're not supposed

1:12:17

to catch humans, but... And blending into it. The

1:12:19

technology technically doesn't prevent you from catching anything inside

1:12:21

of a boat. And subjugating them? You're just talking

1:12:23

about slavery at this point. This does sound very

1:12:25

slavery adjacent, I would say. Okay,

1:12:28

well, we don't like to use that word when

1:12:30

we talk about it. I bet you don't. I'm

1:12:32

sure you don't. Because he's a Pokemon, our companions,

1:12:34

not our slaves. They battle with us sometimes by

1:12:36

choice and sometimes begrudgingly, but we don't ever use

1:12:38

the word slavery. You mean like picking someone up

1:12:40

from the airport? Very much like

1:12:42

that. Like, you don't want to, but you're not being

1:12:45

forced to. Okay, well,

1:12:47

that puts it in perspective for me.

1:12:49

So if I were to catch chameleon-air

1:12:51

in a Pokeball, he's, I

1:12:53

assume, a rap type Pokemon.

1:12:58

Sure. Were

1:13:02

you gonna finish that sentence? Shred very carefully.

1:13:04

The way you said that may be very

1:13:06

uncomfortable. We could've said a music type Pokemon,

1:13:08

but he's specifically a rapper. Specifically hip-hop, yes.

1:13:10

I don't think I want to catch him.

1:13:13

I'll be honest, that feels like that's what a

1:13:15

criminal would do. A criminal would catch another human

1:13:17

being inside a Pokeball. I'm not a criminal. No,

1:13:19

I mean, you're a criminal. Do you want to

1:13:21

catch chameleon-air in a Pokeball? Well, no, in fact,

1:13:23

I'm trying not to be caught and put in

1:13:25

a Pokeball of sorts. Yeah, you're

1:13:28

like a Pokemon in a way. You

1:13:30

get in, you don't get out. Yeah, could

1:13:33

you try to catch L.A. Peterson here? Maybe you are

1:13:35

the Tommy Lee Jones of this story. Why

1:13:37

are you encouraging this? Why aren't you reaching for your

1:13:39

smoke bombs? I

1:13:42

gotta be ready. Is that a Pokeball? What's in

1:13:44

it? It's not a Pokeball. What would be in

1:13:46

it? It's just, I guess. You gotta throw it,

1:13:48

tell me what rare Pokemon. What is in a

1:13:50

smoke bomb? Smoke, I'll battle your smoke. Ninja smoke.

1:13:52

Wait, hold on a second. You're a Pokemon with

1:13:54

a giant fan? I

1:13:57

mean, kinda? No.

1:14:00

There's a plant one that has what looks like a fan

1:14:02

on his head, okay? Well use that one. That's

1:14:04

the guy What kind

1:14:06

of fan well it was more like a flower

1:14:08

petals than a fan But I figure you take

1:14:10

flower petals and you spin it around that kind

1:14:12

of functions like poor man's fan. Yeah Original

1:14:16

fan flowers before mental no no no it's not

1:14:18

a clumsy portmanteau just poor man's fan. Oh poor

1:14:20

man's fan Excuse me by the way poor man

1:14:22

toe you don't want anyone anywhere near that yeah

1:14:25

You don't want to put those in a mat

1:14:27

and choose no no no Well,

1:14:30

so how many Pokemon do you have I have 12 12?

1:14:33

Yeah, you have you're not even close to

1:14:35

catching them Oh, it's gonna be a very

1:14:37

long road, but I'll do it because I

1:14:39

believe in myself now you say you train

1:14:41

these pocket monsters Mm-hmm. What is

1:14:43

the training consist of great? So I take the

1:14:46

pokeball Throw it and then they

1:14:48

come out and then I shout commands at them and

1:14:50

they do what I say I see this does sound

1:14:52

very slave Me it feels

1:14:54

it's a partnership full of respect and

1:14:57

trust and what do you do for

1:14:59

them? I put them back in the

1:15:01

pokeball Well

1:15:04

we win battles together and then sometimes we

1:15:06

eat a meal But mostly I keep them

1:15:08

in the pokeball because they all eat the

1:15:10

same thing and it's real boring to take

1:15:12

them to a restaurant So you're only allowing

1:15:14

them to eat once and every rare while

1:15:16

you know the crazy thing Scott They don't

1:15:18

actually need to eat if they're in the

1:15:20

pokeball Okay, I've got some that have been

1:15:22

in that ball for months and if you

1:15:24

take them out They're like a little pissed

1:15:26

but they're physically fine is their favorite their

1:15:28

favorite meal has to be a pokeball though,

1:15:30

right? Yeah, that's right. That's why is that

1:15:32

boring? I

1:15:36

know I could I mean you say that like

1:15:38

a Jeremy Pivot talk to me on week three

1:15:40

This week three sing Jeremy When

1:15:51

the pocket monsters are in this pokeball, mm-hmm,

1:15:53

are they in a sort of suspended animation?

1:15:55

I wish I wish I could tell you

1:15:57

I've never been in one in his life

1:16:00

as I know no human ever has been. Oh, well

1:16:02

that sounds like that's something you should do. I

1:16:04

mean, it's so hard to catch them all, especially if

1:16:07

they keep moving the goal posts. You should be the

1:16:09

first human in a Pokeball. Oh, I should get into

1:16:11

one? Just understand both sides. I think that's what we're

1:16:13

talking about. Tell you what, if you were to get

1:16:15

into your Pokeball, we would let you.

1:16:18

Oh, do it. Dash Graben

1:16:20

will catch himself. OK.

1:16:23

What do you need us to do? Oh, oh, he did. Oh, he

1:16:25

just did. That is amazing. Now how

1:16:27

do we get him out? Yeah, we

1:16:29

should have asked that. We really should have. He should have

1:16:31

given us instructions. I don't know how to work this thing.

1:16:33

He said throw it. Let me take a look at this. He

1:16:36

said like throw it, I think. Throw it? All

1:16:38

right, I'll throw it. I don't know. Let's see.

1:16:40

Don't throw that. That's my smoke bar. Oh, careful,

1:16:42

careful. Don't throw the smoke bar. Yeah. All right,

1:16:44

here we go. I'm

1:16:47

free. Oh, wow. What

1:16:50

was that like? What was it like in there? OK,

1:16:52

you know how when you go to sleep and you.

1:16:55

Oh, I'm out. Oh,

1:16:57

OK. Yeah,

1:17:00

try to do something. Don't compare it to a

1:17:02

movie either because Al is going to have no

1:17:05

frame of reference. Oh, OK, jeez. How

1:17:07

do I do this? OK,

1:17:09

you know how, well,

1:17:11

for the rest of you then, you know how when

1:17:13

you sleep is like you're kind of aware of existence,

1:17:15

but it's a little bit different? Sure, sometimes you know

1:17:17

you're in a bad. Oh, it's not like that. Oh,

1:17:19

wow. This is you. So you can be back in,

1:17:21

Al. I have no

1:17:23

memory from what just happened. Oh, OK, so

1:17:25

the last thing you remember is going into

1:17:28

the ball. And then I just felt

1:17:30

a blunt. I push right back out. How long do you

1:17:32

think you were gone? I

1:17:35

mean, it felt like an instant to me. Well, it was

1:17:37

only longer than it was. Yeah, it was like 120 seconds

1:17:39

or so. I feel

1:17:41

like we didn't get a real accurate idea of

1:17:43

what it's like to be trapped in the pokeball.

1:17:45

I'm going to tell you, I do not want

1:17:47

to go back in because I feel like I

1:17:49

did not exist for that period of time. Well,

1:17:51

so now this is what the pokens. Pokens is

1:17:53

how they feel. Almost definitely, yeah. So does that

1:17:55

make you want to release them? Not even a

1:17:57

little. Oh, boy. I just feel

1:17:59

like. You're really taking advantage of

1:18:02

these pocket months. Oh, for sure. You know

1:18:04

how horses pull? OK, so he hears it.

1:18:06

You know how horses pull carts? Yeah.

1:18:09

Are you all up in arms about how horses be

1:18:11

pulling stuff around all the time? I mean, sometimes. You

1:18:13

ask those horses that they want to pull carts around?

1:18:15

I don't like the horses that do just the carriage

1:18:17

rides. To be fair, they're also fed very well. Yeah.

1:18:19

They're groomed, and they're treated very nicely. Let me ask

1:18:22

you a question. They get to shit in the bag.

1:18:24

You guys know fish? Oh, I mean, we all should

1:18:26

all be so lucky. But you know fish? Yeah,

1:18:29

I know fish. You got fish, right? If you

1:18:31

had a fish, what would your fish's day-to-day life

1:18:33

be like? Well, I mean,

1:18:35

they swim around in their room. Living their best

1:18:37

life. Swimming in the water. My fish

1:18:40

has been all over the world. But they don't know,

1:18:42

because most of the time they're in a ball quenching.

1:18:44

Yeah, they're in a ball in stasis. You know that

1:18:46

its own existence was going on for most of that

1:18:48

time. But it came out and got to experience parts

1:18:51

of all over. I had a fish growing up, but

1:18:53

it was an outdoor fish. So he

1:18:55

got to just go wherever. Yeah, mine's an outdoor fish. You

1:19:00

know, maybe you don't

1:19:02

think these pocket monsters have sentience or a soul.

1:19:04

Oh, they definitely have both. OK. Then

1:19:08

you truly are a criminal. You're

1:19:10

a slaver. You're a slave owner. They're

1:19:13

so happy. How do you

1:19:15

know that, though? OK, well, you can tell

1:19:17

when a Pokemon is unhappy because it doesn't follow any of

1:19:19

your battle command. Can one come out? Can we talk to

1:19:21

one? I feel like we really need to. You can't talk

1:19:23

to them. They only say their own name over and over

1:19:25

and over again. OK, so that's going to be hard to

1:19:27

know their hands. Is it

1:19:29

like I am Groot where it has different

1:19:32

intonations? Yeah, yeah. So you can

1:19:34

translate? Yeah, for sure. Oh, OK. Let's

1:19:36

bring out, I guess we bring out a chameleon here.

1:19:38

I'll bring out my chameleon. I'll bring

1:19:40

out chameleon. He's

1:19:43

just going to say chameleon a lot. OK,

1:19:45

yeah, bring him out. Chameleon! I choose you!

1:19:48

Chameleon! Hey, what's up, dude? Chameleon!

1:19:50

How's it hanging? Chameleon! Yeah, that's

1:19:52

about right. Chameleon, are you OK?

1:19:56

Yeah, are you? Char-meal. Yeah.

1:20:00

I don't think I don't think Translated

1:20:04

you just want to infer from that well.

1:20:06

I know what he's all in the room.

1:20:08

We can see what's happening Trameleon is crying

1:20:11

Is crying but not for the reasons you think

1:20:13

okay? What translate for us okay? So Charmeleon this

1:20:16

one specifically is an arson type Pokemon. He's mad

1:20:18

because he hasn't burned down a building lately Charmeleon

1:20:21

yes, so I really change it. Yeah,

1:20:24

he's shaking it up and down Up

1:20:27

and down if you're tilted sideways sure Well,

1:20:30

yeah, that's a term really okay, so you know how

1:20:32

like in India Yes, and no doesn't look like the

1:20:34

same head gesture as it does for in America.

1:20:37

I don't I did not know that's true

1:20:41

India India I know in the movie gladiator they

1:20:44

do thumbs up when it should have been thumbs

1:20:46

down I don't know about that, but that's probably

1:20:48

right Charmeleon yeah

1:20:52

Okay Charmeleon Charmeleon what

1:20:55

is one thing that I could do

1:20:58

to make your life a little bit better Bank

1:21:04

Charmeleon burn down a bank Me

1:21:07

like kill me Wow

1:21:19

Okay, I don't feel like you were giving

1:21:21

us the proper translation. I do feel yeah

1:21:23

I feel like we learned more about the

1:21:25

real situation with these Pokemon Yeah, then then

1:21:27

you wanted to let on yeah, and I

1:21:29

think you need some some serious soul surgeon

1:21:31

Where are your parents in old dash? Oh

1:21:33

both dead both? Well, you're

1:21:35

an orphan that must be hard. Well. Yeah, I

1:21:37

mean dirty orphan. I don't know that I'm dirty

1:21:40

I mean I shower I think you

1:21:42

know once or twice every month So

1:21:44

how do you how do you take

1:21:46

care of all these all of these

1:21:49

pocket monsters? Oh, I win money in

1:21:51

battles You win money. Oh, yeah, who

1:21:53

pays the promoters? I don't think

1:21:55

this could get worse, but it did Someone

1:21:58

on top of this pyramid who's

1:22:00

taking children. Yeah, I like it. Is it

1:22:02

David S. Nintendo? Is this, someone's like a 12

1:22:04

foot, four and a half inch

1:22:06

on top of this pyramid trying to touch the tip. Exactly,

1:22:10

and they're. I'll get to the tip.

1:22:12

I'll be the first child to touch the tip.

1:22:14

I'll get to the top of the internet pyramid.

1:22:17

Oh, that sounds. All the Pokemon. Listen,

1:22:19

Dash, I know what it's like to feel

1:22:21

like you're defined by your job, but you

1:22:23

do not have to do this to these

1:22:25

poor Pokemon. It sounds like these promoters are

1:22:27

subjugating you and you're subjugating these Pokemon and

1:22:30

it's a horrible pyramid and there is no tip. We need to

1:22:32

break the site, we need to break the site. Yeah, the tip keeps moving up

1:22:34

and up and up. At first it was 12 and

1:22:37

a quarter feet, now it's further

1:22:39

and further. I mean, I never thought about it that

1:22:41

way. It's a movable tip and I don't think anybody agrees with that.

1:22:44

You want a static tip. We

1:22:46

want a static tip. The

1:22:48

way I kind of always thought about it was I was

1:22:51

catching best friends to go on a journey

1:22:54

of a lifetime and fulfill my dream. That's

1:22:56

a lovely, lovely way to frame this argument.

1:22:58

I'm keeping them trapped in a ball. Yeah,

1:23:01

for sure. And they are constantly having

1:23:03

existential crisis. I don't know that they are

1:23:05

and I've known Charmeleon longer than you, so I don't

1:23:07

think it's fair for you to all assume that you

1:23:09

knew what he was saying when I didn't. Dash, you're

1:23:11

11. Uh-huh. We

1:23:14

collectively are 29 years old. We

1:23:16

have a little more experience. All of our

1:23:18

names are Al. Al. You

1:23:20

can call us Al. I can

1:23:23

call you. You may not call Marjorie Betty. Do

1:23:25

not call Rangery Betty. I wouldn't dream of it,

1:23:27

ma'am. I think

1:23:29

we have a little more experience in

1:23:31

sort of reading the emotional reality

1:23:34

of these people and Charmeleon

1:23:36

was devastated.

1:23:39

Let me get another one out then and maybe you can tell me

1:23:41

that. You pick. Okay, I'll

1:23:43

pick. I should tell you though,

1:23:45

this one's a straight up ghost.

1:23:48

Okay, I'm a little scared but. It is

1:23:50

a ghost. It's so scary. Will he or

1:23:53

she pass through us? It's not slimy. I

1:23:55

don't know if it's he or she. Is

1:23:57

it on your head? I mean. goes

1:24:00

through you, you're gonna feel something that I would say,

1:24:02

yeah, is a kin to slime me. Is it definitely

1:24:04

going to go through us? Oh, it is 100% gonna

1:24:06

go through. Alright, I'm

1:24:08

nervous. Can you pick another one? Well,

1:24:10

let me frame this for a- no,

1:24:13

I can't. And here's why. I think

1:24:15

that one thing you're not thinking of now is

1:24:17

all these Pokemon that are in this balls are

1:24:19

not walking around in the world or

1:24:22

floating around as this one. Anyway, this is a ghastly, let

1:24:24

me take it out real quick. I'm unclear as to what

1:24:26

we're supposed to keep in mind. I just want you to

1:24:28

kind of like tell me what you

1:24:30

think is going on in this guy's head.

1:24:32

This guy's name is ghastly. Ghastly. And I'm

1:24:34

moving on. It's not ghastly. Not

1:24:36

ghastly. Yeah. Ghastly. Although that's a crazy

1:24:39

thought. It might be a ghost, it

1:24:41

might be a collection of ghasts floating

1:24:43

around. You know, it could just be

1:24:45

Victorian houses, you know. Is this

1:24:48

the ghastly from season 4 of community? Oh,

1:24:51

I don't watch television. I'm too busy out in the

1:24:53

world. Could it be the ghost of someone who died

1:24:55

from a ghastly? I mean, honestly, I don't know. This

1:24:57

one I kind of have trouble communicating with, which is

1:24:59

why I thought it might be useful for you guys

1:25:01

to talk about. Need to ask these questions. Okay, so

1:25:03

let's get ghastly out here. Okay. Ghastly! I choose

1:25:06

you! I guess my better judgment. Yeah!

1:25:09

Ghastly. Whoa,

1:25:12

getting real close, ghastly. Did

1:25:14

you do that creepy AF,

1:25:17

right? Ghastly, wait a second. Ghastly, just please

1:25:19

stay away from all of us. Don't pass

1:25:21

through us. I don't want to be silent.

1:25:23

Oh, she's already through me. Oh, you've been

1:25:25

slimed. God, I feel, does it look weird?

1:25:27

Because I feel like I have slime on

1:25:29

me. You're covered in ectoplasm. Oh, dang it.

1:25:31

And I have an appointment afterwards. I feel

1:25:33

very funky. I know. Am I wrong? It

1:25:35

looks like it's having a real good time

1:25:37

doing this. Ghastly. I feel like

1:25:39

ghastly is enjoying her time out of the

1:25:41

ball. Ghastly. Oh, okay, so you think ghastly's

1:25:44

a girl? Ghastly, please keep away from me.

1:25:46

These are new bonobos jeans. Ghastly.

1:25:48

Yeah, sorry, you just called fire to you just

1:25:50

now. Nothing like a bully likes more than telling

1:25:52

you not to do something. Ghastly.

1:25:55

Please get her back in the

1:25:57

ball. Ghastly, return! Ghastly. Now

1:26:01

I think you can keep ghastly. I felt like

1:26:03

ghastly had a great time. Yeah. Maybe just have

1:26:05

ghastly. Because honestly, I don't know. We don't know

1:26:07

what happens when we die. I mean, I personally

1:26:09

think we go with our Heavenly Father. But please don't

1:26:11

let me talk about it. Because I believe that's

1:26:13

why I don't want to talk about it. Church

1:26:15

and state. Church and state. But we don't know

1:26:17

for sure what happens. And this is a ghost.

1:26:19

This might be preferable to hell. Exactly. You know

1:26:21

what happens to Pokemon? Oh, do

1:26:23

they become ghastly? They literally

1:26:25

cannot die. You

1:26:28

take them to a Pokemon center, and

1:26:30

then they're fine. So what the heck

1:26:32

is ghastly? What? What's this Pokemon center?

1:26:34

Yeah, ghastly's a ghost. This

1:26:37

sounds like an internment camp. A ghost of

1:26:39

what? That's a good question. OK, well, we

1:26:41

don't have time to get into it. We

1:26:43

have to get going. But we just have

1:26:45

one final feature on the show. It's a

1:26:47

little something called plugs. I want to hit

1:26:49

some months. I want to hit some months.

1:26:52

Do whatever

1:26:57

you do. I

1:27:02

want to support you.

1:27:06

I want to support you.

1:27:11

I want to support you.

1:27:16

I want to support you.

1:27:20

Oh, thank you. That was I Want to Support You

1:27:22

by Mr. Pants. I think that

1:27:24

was mustard, actually. But all right, guys,

1:27:26

what are we plugging? John, Beirut is

1:27:28

out this Friday. Beirut out this Friday.

1:27:30

With Rosamund Pike. Rosamund Pike, myself, Shay

1:27:32

Wiggum. A

1:27:35

cast of literally three. It's

1:27:40

a 42-hour movie. Please plan accordingly.

1:27:43

I would suggest eating. I would suggest getting a

1:27:45

good rest. Yeah. And then stay up for that.

1:27:47

Sleep for like five days before. Sleep for at

1:27:49

least one 42-hour day. Hybrid days like these bears.

1:27:51

Then in. Then enjoy it. It's

1:27:53

going to be great. I would also remind

1:27:55

everyone to please get their taxes won.

1:27:59

That's right. Each in our block. Each in our block,

1:28:01

that's right. The very- One week left. One

1:28:05

week left, yeah. Last week, guys. This is

1:28:07

crunch time. It's a federal crime. This is

1:28:09

the time, I mean, this is where you

1:28:11

live. This is my, you

1:28:13

know, overtime. This is where I'm like- This

1:28:15

is exciting, man. I'm lining up

1:28:17

the field goal, I'm putting it through the uprights. If

1:28:20

you don't do it, you'll be convicted of a federal crime. John,

1:28:22

I have some bad news for you. What's that? They

1:28:25

got you on film eating that guy's bagel. I

1:28:30

categorically deny that. It's right

1:28:32

there on the side. I saw, yeah, they released the

1:28:34

footage. I will say. It

1:28:38

was a delicious bagel. Okay, maybe it was worth it.

1:28:41

By the way, it was half a bagel. There's

1:28:44

another half. You eating it like a real monster.

1:28:47

A real bagel monster? I was starving. A monster,

1:28:49

you say? Maybe

1:28:52

John is a Pokémon. A bagamon? I'm

1:28:56

going to go catch a bagel. Al,

1:28:58

what do you have to plug here? Obviously,

1:29:01

if you want to fake your own death, please

1:29:03

do visit German Craigslist, comb every

1:29:05

single ad until you come

1:29:07

to the one- That ends in gazoon height. That's

1:29:10

an emoticon followed by gazoon type.

1:29:12

No emojis. And

1:29:15

also watch out for that movie. I

1:29:17

mean, maybe in 10 years, there'll be wanting to reboot

1:29:19

the emoji movie, and then you can just slip the script

1:29:21

to the emoticon movie in there. Why

1:29:23

would they go backwards? I

1:29:26

don't know. A prequel. First live action. It's

1:29:28

like the Star Wars prequels. Marjorie, you saved

1:29:30

my film. Oh, boy. Marjorie,

1:29:33

what do you plug in? Please come to the gates

1:29:35

of the Arctic. We don't have roads. Need more

1:29:38

than 10,000 people this year. Where do you fly into,

1:29:40

by the way? If you want to visit, where do you fly? Does

1:29:44

someone be a Barakas you do not remember? No,

1:29:46

you fly into the airport

1:29:49

in Juneau, and then you take a series

1:29:51

of sea planes. Oh, gosh. It's very hard

1:29:53

to get- Guys, let's go. Yeah, please come.

1:29:55

Come try my brisket. Dash.

1:30:00

I dash, grab him. I'm now accepting all challenges for

1:30:03

battles at the

1:30:05

closest thing I could find to a stadium here, which is the

1:30:07

Staples Center. Oh, wow. So

1:30:09

I'm going to sneak into the Staples. Should be the Staples

1:30:11

Pentagon, don't you think? Yeah. It should be. Yeah. Coming

1:30:14

right through that only point of a Pentagon, which is clear at

1:30:16

the front. The one point of a

1:30:18

Pentagon right through the front of it. Right. I'll

1:30:21

be battling anyone there. Winner

1:30:23

keeps all the money. OK, great.

1:30:26

So no date on that, apparently. Every

1:30:29

day. Let's close up the old plug

1:30:31

bag. Whoa, what a

1:30:33

bag. It's time to open

1:30:36

it. It's time to

1:30:38

open the bag. Time

1:30:42

to open it. It's

1:30:46

time to open the bag. It's

1:30:48

time to open the bag. It's time

1:30:50

to open up bag. Open up

1:30:52

bag. Open

1:30:55

up bag. Open up bag. Open up

1:30:58

bag. Open

1:31:01

up bag. Ah, so good. Not

1:31:03

annoying at all. All right,

1:31:05

guys. Well, I want to thank you, John. Thank you very

1:31:07

much. Thank you for having me, Scott. Look forward to

1:31:09

you being a bi-weekly guest on the show. Can't wait. As

1:31:12

promised. L.A. Peterson, you

1:31:15

know, hope they don't catch you. Oh, I don't think they

1:31:17

will. Oh, smoke bomb. He's

1:31:19

gone. How does he do that? Is

1:31:21

he in the walls? Oh, I think that smoke

1:31:23

has some cherry and hickory. That

1:31:25

is acrid. Just acrid.

1:31:27

Marjorie, so good to see you. Good luck to you and

1:31:29

Dash. I cannot cosign what

1:31:31

you're up to. OK. All right. We'll see

1:31:34

you next week. Thanks. Bye. Bye,

1:31:36

man. Yeah. Hey. I thought you were

1:31:38

going to get that. Here it comes. Hey,

1:31:46

Green Godly here. So you've got a clogged drain

1:31:48

in your batch room. Water in the sink's overstaying

1:31:50

its welcome. You're spitting today's

1:31:53

toothpaste on top of yesterday's toothpaste. You

1:31:55

hope did it go away? Yeah, clogs

1:31:57

don't just go away. I make them

1:31:59

go away. go away. I'm Green

1:32:01

Gobbler. The only clog dissolver you

1:32:03

need. I'm bleach free,

1:32:05

safe for your pipes, and I work.

1:32:07

Guaranteed, or your money back. Because

1:32:10

I never met a clog that was

1:32:12

gonna unclog itself. Green Gobbler. Let the

1:32:14

Gobbler get it. Now's the

1:32:17

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